Hell hath no fury like a victim of narcissistic abuse. When you eventually manage to untangle yourself from that sorry excuse for a relationship, you will likely start feeling the Anger. It’s long overdue that Anger gets to take its rightful place on the throne for a while. The usurper, Forgiveness, has overstayed its welcome.
You have suppressed this anger for so long, accepted so much that you shouldn’t have. So much has happened, that you didn’t deserve. This anger is now building up inside you, getting stronger. When you think about all that you have endured, you feel the anger turn into a red, boiling rage. Your blood is burning lava inside the volcano that is you. For too long have you been dormant.
The inevitable outbursts can take many forms. If you’re still in a relationship with your abuser, you may find yourself arguing with them and suddenly spew venom over them like you never have before.
If you are out of the relationship you may find yourself writing angry e-mails to your former abuser. If you are in No Contact, you may be snapping at innocent people for no reason. The anger can also be turned inwards and take the form of depression.
This anger you’re feeling is healthy. It’s there for a reason. It’s showing you that someone is/was mistreating you. The anger has the function of a motor within you, driving you to act, to protect yourself, to get away, to do something to stop the abuse against you!
But why are you angry after the relationship? What’s the point of that? Well, probably cause you could not express and live out that emotion fully, while still in the relationship. You were too busy keeping track of all of your partner’s lies and the over-all miserable situation. You were simply too exhausted.
When you’re out of the relationship, “life force” returns to you, so you finally have enough energy to feel the anger. It can also serve to protect you, by reminding you of how awfully you were treated. This will help minimize the risk that you go back to your partner.
So, what to do with all this anger? It seems impossible to just carry it around. Thoughts of revenge can be common. You find yourself imagining what it would be like exposing the narcissist for what he is, to his family/friends. Or throwing away his stupid favorite shirt that is still in your home. Or any other number of revenge scenarios. Some a bit innocent and other maybe darker, more evil.
I strongly advice against taking revenge. If you are fairly certain that they are a narcissist, sociopath or psychopath, you’d do well to remember all that you’ve read about these personalities. They can become very vindictive. There is also great danger in the fact that regarding empathy, they have very little, or none at all. This means they could have almost no limit to what they in turn can bring down upon you in their retaliation against your “small act of revenge”.
You will likely not go “too far” in your revenge. Meaning you wouldn’t ruin their whole life. But the risk is that they will stop at nothing to run you into the ground. So, have thoughts of revenge sometimes, by all means. But for the sake of your own safety and well-being, don’t act on these thoughts.
Still, your anger is not useless. Transform it into a positive force, an energy to get you going. Activate yourself physically. Exercise is a great way to get some of the anger out, particularly activities where you can use a lot of strength and force. Try lifting weights, a boxing class at a gym, or martial arts.
When you are at home, hit a pillow as hard as you can, if you feel the rage welling up inside. Say aloud to yourself why you are angry. Then use the residual energy to make a list of constructive things you can do to move forward and feel better. The anger is your motor, to help transport you far away from abuse, remember?
So, is your former abuser supposed to just get away with everything? How is that fair? Well, of course it isn’t. But we must trust life, trust the universe. The law of cause and effect.
I hold a firm belief that no one can escape themselves, or the consequences of their actions. Well maybe some people can. For a while. Not in the long run though. No way, José. It may be 10 years from now. They will have lost their charm and everyone has abandoned them, they’re all alone and can’t even look at themselves in the mirror.
It may even be in another life time, who knows? Maybe there are several life times. In their next life, they may be born an empath, and spend their life being abused by an endless row of narcissists. How is that for irony! That one makes me smile every time I think about it.
So, relax, focus on No Contact. The anger is there to help, use it, just don’t let it turn you into something you are not. The universe will take care of your former abuser and teach them their life lesson when the time is right.
Let us just rejoice for now, about the fact that we can feel: happiness, sadness, fear, strength, courage, longing, excitement, love, hate, nostalgia, calmness, anger. The narcissist doesn’t get to experience the richness of our emotional lives. That is a sad thought. It almost makes me feel pity for the narcissist.
Suddenly I have no more thoughts of revenge at all. I leave the narcissist in the competent hands of Karma. She’ll know how to handle him, as soon as she is done with her current “customers”.
*Image 1 and 3 fromGreenIbr at Deviantart.Com