I tread with care down Memory Lane of this city, my very own emotional Hiroshima. There is so much toxic ground here, still. I don’t know that this land shall ever recover and host living organisms again.
This is by far one of the most, (if not the most), painful memories, from the narcissistic relationship.
This is the time I discovered “actual” cheating, meaning physical, intimate relations, that had been going on behind my unknowing, naive back. When I say actual cheating, it is because for some people, “online cheating” is not “real” cheating. (For me though, I still feel it’s wrong, if you wouldn’t be comfortable showing your partner what you’re up to).
In a way, it is good to remind myself of this day, it serves as a cautionary tale for myself; never trust the narc again!
You see, if you suspect your partner/ex of being a narcissist, it’s also very likely you’ve discovered/suspected they were cheating on you. Since they have this sick need for attention/admiration, it’s just in their nature, I suppose. One source isn’t enough. They’re sort of like bees, just flying around from flower to flower, sucking them all dry of their nectar. It’s nothing personal, just part of the package of narc abuse.
I remember exactly where I was standing, when I found out. I mean, even now, years later, I could point out the exact spot I was standing, how many yards from the TV and the sofa in Hero’s apartment. Yes I snooped again! I’m starting to look paranoid, and maybe I was! Not too strange, after the events mentioned in previous posts.. I assure you, I didn’t have a snooping habit, in previous relationships.
What I found was that he’d been with a woman, recently, and she’d texted him cause she wanted to see him again. He’d responded in a vague, but positive way. The thing that really shook me to the core, almost more than anything, was this: When he had been caught cheating online previously, one of his defenses was that ‘he would never, ever cheat “for real”, that was a strong boundary that he had’. A lie to protect another lie.
His defense? He had been a bit drunk, not “being able to say no” when she came on strong. I felt so grossed out just hearing that! Inside my head I was screaming at his lack of boundaries and self-control. Also doubting if that was even true, since the lies and deceptions started piling up, by now. Buy one lie, get one for free, only at Narc-Mart!
I did tell him I demanded to text her and ask some questions, cause I wanted to know if it was a one time thing like he claimed, or if it was an ongoing affair. He didn’t have much choice. She replied that it was a one-time thing and she hadn’t known about me. She apologized.
My reaction towards The Con Man? Well. The hellfire I rained down on him was out of this world. I yelled, called him this and that, cried, I sank down on the floor, in disbelief. How was it that he could do these things to me, without conscience?! He had only vague answers. This is when I first started googling like a madwoman.
I googled lack of empathy, lack of conscience. I was scared when finding that his behaviors could indicate narcissism, an incurable personality disorder. I still could not believe it was that bad. Maybe he just suffered from really low self esteem. He actually apologized, promising to change.
By now, I had been quite well trained, conditioned, by the narcissist. I was addicted to him. I was one of them “Pavlov’s dogs”, conditioned by the ring of the bell.
Before this relationship, I had never accepted cheating. That was my absolute deal breaker. But somehow, this actor said all his lines, and as if I was in hypnosis, there didn’t seem to be any choice but to fight for him. Try to forgive. I can still remember the strange sensation of living in two worlds; one where Hero had done this awful deed, and one where he was still my (physically) tender Hero, incapable of such vile things. I had to choose between these worlds, to keep my sanity.
So I stayed.
And the toxins in that ground, poisoned my entire soul.