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This is a Little Story from my Book of Shame. This incident took place quite recently, yet it’s starting to feel far enough away in time, so that I can talk about it without wanting to hide under the sheets. This is the last meeting with the narcissist you all know by now as “Hero”.

— A little while prior to this meeting, Hero had successfully hoovered me. So we had met up, and had a wonderful night together. (Passion, blah blah).

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Since about 5% of my brain still can’t process that a person can fake that sort of tenderness/passion, I thought ok, what the hell, damage is already done. So, I thought I’d have nothing to lose, by testing one more time, if all my theories about him being a narcissist, were true or not. Maybe I’d missed something? Maybe I got it all wrong, maybe he actually does have a caring heart somewhere beneath all that BS, the lies, the gaslighting, etc.

So, after the shared night, I proceeded to say: “Well, since it seems that you will never stop contacting me, I might as well ask; do you want to solve things, or what’s up with you never letting go? He said of course he wanted to fix things. So we settled that we’d see each other soon again. We decided on a time when I would come to his house. I made sure to repeat the time clearly, so there would be no mix-up. (Communicating by phone and e-mail about changing the time, wasn’t doable, since he didn’t have my new (secret/no caller-id) phone number, and I’d blocked his ordinary e-mail account a long time ago). I felt sure he understood what time we’d decided.

I was running a bit late getting there, 20 minutes or so, so I called him. (I had also made sure to e-mail 30 minutes before, so he would see either e-mail/ phone call). Damn, I forgot my gloves at home, too! Nevermind, I was just gonna walk 2 minutes to/from buses.

No answer. I thought, ok, I’ll just call when I arrive. Now, Hero lives in an apartment building, quite high up. The main entrance downstairs is locked. I arrived. I saw his lights were on, high up in the windows. I called, no answer. Waited, called, waited, called. Left messages that could he please open the door? I stood there for about 20 minutes. It was now 40 minutes after he was expecting me.

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I live in a country that has very harsh winters. By harsh I mean you can’t go outside more than a few minutes without real winter clothing. So I’d put on my winter jacket with its furlined hood. But, the gloves were at home!

My fingers were now turning red and stiff from the cold. (My nose too). I was furious! How could he not look out the window, or check his e-mail or phone, even 40 minutes after I was supposed to arrive? He knew I couldn’t get into the main door! He knew it was the fucking North Pole outside!

I was just about to give up and go home, when one of the neighbours came out of the building and held up the main entrance door for me. I hesitated, should I even go in? I decided that yes, I was gonna tell him what a P.O.S. he really is. (I didn’t care if that gave him narcissistic supply or whatever the fuck he calls his substance abuse that consists of consuming other people’say misery!!) Pardon my French, but this was the most angry I’d been in a good long while. Ok, you can’t handle a relationship? At least have the decency to care that I’m a human being who is standing here, freezing my.. everything off! You could just open the window and say that you don’t wanna talk, anything. But not this! This complete sub-human treatment of me, a person you pretended to “love” for years.

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I got into the building, rang his door bell. He opened. I told him exactly what I thought. That it was a new low point, even for him, to not even bother to see if I was coming or not.

He made his defense. A lame one. He “had to” go with his friends to do his hobby. He said he’d written me an e-mail saying he would “be late” (no more “specific” than that. And; The e-mail account he used to send this e-mail from, was his old account, the one he knew was blocked by me, ages ago. All the other times when he used to hoover me, he’d be clever enough to create new e-mail accounts everytime, to bypass my blocking.  But not this time!? He’d sent an e-mail he knew I couldn’t read? Sure. Whatever).

He had no explanation as to why he hadn’t bothered to check his phone or e-mail, to see if I was coming or not, the time we originally had said. Just, casually; “Oh, seems I turned off the sound on my phone, earlier”.

Sabotaging? Wanting to see me upset? Just indifferent? Don’t know, don’t care.

I don’t think I’ve ever hated a person  as much as I hated him, in that moment. He had reduced me to this pathetic, waiting, lonely and cold girl, standing on a street in the dark, desperately trying to call him. And he “shrugged”.

My fingers were still aching from the cold, I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes upon seeing his total lack of caring. He didn’t apologize, just gave me lame excuses.

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I wasn’t gonna let him see tears, too, so I coldly said; “You’ll never change. I regret coming here.” And then I went home. Slammed his door a little extra hard on my way out. I know, probably wrong to give him drama.  But it felt good to leave the anger there and not bring all of it home.

E-mails followed during the evening; “Why did you leave when we could have had the best time together? I did come home, didn’t I”.. “Why do you always have to be so drastic? I have no clue why you left?”

Isn’t it strange that he now so suddenly remembered how to create new e-mail accounts, to get through my blocking, with his e-mails…?

This was a good fiasco. How was it good? It made me finally wake up like someone had splashed cold water in my face! There was no caring, love, empathy, respect or consideration to be found inside this “person”. Absolutely none. He couldn’t even grasp the fact that you don’t leave a person waiting on a cold dark street in the middle of winter, when you have said you’ll look out for them coming, and let them in. 

This is a narcissist. How could I ever doubt. I am finally free.

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Esther Grosjean