I love this image cause it’s simple, yet it gives me a push; do something! It’s clear that I need to change something. I’m stuck and have been for a while. And while I do understand that grief has to take time, at some point, enough is enough. Sure, I can take that grief pops up once in a while, but not that it keeps covering all of me like a cold, wet blanket.
The title of the post is somewhat misleading. Cause I’m not in therapy, for several reasons, a big reason is money.
Anyway, since I’m extremely tired of being stuck in this; mourning a person who was a fantasy, (the narc) I’ve decided to be more active in finding ways to move forward from that.
The first part of this is to simply list the reasons that led me up to this point. It’s not anywhere near a Freudian analysis, just a small self analysis. (Ironically, I work in a profession very similar to a therapist’s; so I guide people every day, in how they can improve their lives. But I still couldn’t avoid getting myself into the worst life situation I could imagine. The cobbler’s children have no shoes!).
I hope even a simple analysis will allow me to see clearly, in writing, what my “issues” were, before meeting the narc, and hopefully that can help me in avoiding meeting another narc. And a help to move forward. Here it goes;
- I do have a dysfunctional family background. I wouldn’t say I had the worst childhood in the world, but it still affected me negatively. There was no violence in any form. But there was definitely too much alcohol in our home. My parents often had really bad verbal fights, for many years, before splitting up when I was 10.
And they do have some emotional difficulties of their own; my father never talks about feelings, my mother can be very caring sometimes and other times suddenly behave like a total narcissist (total lack of empathy etc). All this has made me into an empath of the highest degree, which is good in my professional life, but not always so good in my personal relationships.
- I’ve always been ruled by emotions, by my heart. I remember watching “True Blood” and main character Sookie, speaking to her dead grandmother at her grave; “I’m so lost. I followed my heart, but it led me down a dead end road. I miss you so much. I’ve never felt so alone. I spent my whole life feeling alone”. I thought; that’s me!
- Before I met the narcissist, I had ended a previous relationship about 1,5 year earlier. I was in my early 30’s, but getting quite “desperate” in terms of finding a partner, to start a family. Needless to say, after 4 years wasted on the narc, and now turning 36 soon, this stress is now tremendous. It would be my life’s biggest sorrow not to have children of my own. This is a tough one, but I need to handle it. I know that me becoming childless for good, however hard it might be to face, is still better than the alternative; being in another soul-crushing, abusive relationship.
- I am extremely stubborn to begin with, and seeing my parents split up, I believe I always want to fight long and hard, if I love someone/something. I want to know that I’ve done “All I can”, before giving up.
- Also, I do struggle a lot with loneliness. Being 35, single and childless, plus moving around a few times, has left me all but friendless. I do have a couple of friends still, but they are quite busy with their own lives, so I rarely get to see them.
- All of this that I’ve talked about above, melted together and made me totally codependent vs. the narcissist, something I haven’t experienced in any other relationship, not even tendencies towards it. I’ve never before had trouble leaving a relationship, if I found it really wasn’t working out. (In fact, I‘ve been the one to leave two relationships; while still loving those partners, but finding that it wasn’t working out). I’ve always been “strong”, had boundaries, never let anyone treat me badly, etc. (Of course the narcissist’s infinite toolbox of manipulations played a huge part too, but here I’m only discussing my own vulnerabilities in the situation). But my background, age, loneliness, longing for a family of my own, the love I felt for the person I thought the narc was, “underneath it all”, = I stayed on for way too long!
So where do I go from here? It seems clear to me that I need to change something; for my future to change. For me to be able to resist all of the narcissist’s mind games and hoovering, designed to keep me trapped in an everlasting cat and mouse game. For me to be able to move forward and find some sort of happiness and peace.
I don’t have very many great ideas, but if it’s something I’ve learned from my professional life, it’s that only working aimlessly towards some vague goal is never gonna work. Therefore, I think my first step towards another kind of future, is to make a plan. A plan for my healing. (That might be my next post).
Perhaps you recognized something in yourself in what I’ve written. Or not at all. Just maybe, it could inspire you to look at your own wounds, confront them, and make some sort of plan for the future you want. If you are happy and don’t need that, I hope at least it was a good Sunday read, to get a sneak peek into another person’s somewhat screwed up world.😉