Just a tiny part of the healing process, but very important; creating our new boundaries for the future. If we were emotionally abused by a narcissist/sociopath/psychopath, whatever boundaries we had to begin with, crumbled at the hands of the abuser. They were not only disrespected; they were invaded, trampled to the ground. We were invaded. Our values ridiculed. We have banished the aggressor and are firm in our stand; they will never cross these borders again, whatever white flag they’re waving!
But how do we protect ourselves from other invaders, who wish to plunder and pillage our lands, and scorch the earth as they leave? We redraw our map! Show clearly that these are our borders and no one will cross them without our knowledge and approval. We strengthen the defenses. This is necessary after every war.
There are some boundaries that will be absolute, and that no one can ever cross. (Deal Breakers). This is what we will work on today. Our new rules going into dating again. Don’t you love making lists? I do! Here’s mine:
- I simply will not tolerate you cheating on me, if we’re supposed to be monogamous. I will explain in the beginning how important this is to me. If you still chose to disrespect our relationship this way, you’re out. And no, I don’t care “why” you did it.
- I will not tolerate wasting of my time. Going into dating with you, I will allow a bit of time to see if we are a match. I will have an inner conversation with myself as to how much time I will choose to give you. If you are still “uncertain” about us after this period of time, I will end things with you. I am not looking for “friends with benefits” and will therefore not disrespect myself, by entering into such a relationship.
- Rule of 3 lies; Three lies that I deem to be serious, and you’re out. I can’t have another person in my life who keeps lying to me.
- My own inner compass – to look for accountability and empathy. Of course this is not a “rule” per se, more like a guide for me. Not something I will lecture about on a first date. But if I see signs of lack of accountability and lack of empathy in you, I will take this very seriously, and I will not buy lame excuses. If you display these traits in a situation, without valid cause, I do not think we are a good match.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I’ll return to this list to remind myself of my boundaries, that are there to protect my well-being. What are your new boundaries?