Do you ever feel like you’re “different”? Out of place? Like, you are so different that it’s almost not even worth explaining how different you are? Cause people would just shake their head, tell you to grow up, get with the program, accept reality…
That’s exactly what it’s like, being a true romantic, in an often very cynical world. Now, don’t get me wrong, I have adapted. Sort of. Otherwise I guess I would be extinct a long time ago, by The Natural Selection.
I accept the general views in my society; that nothing lasts forever, if a relationship ends, you should heal and move on. In order to meet someone you have to go on a dating site. Marriage is not necessary. You shouldn’t really “need” a partner, you should be happy anyway. Love yourself. Be positive. To some degree there is something healthy in those sort of statements. I see that. Goethe’s fictional character Werther, who couldn’t go on living because of unrequited love, is not my ideal, either.
But I still can not escape this feeling of being born in the wrong time, in the wrong place. I just feel like I’m not made for having a series of intimate relationships. Break up, heal and move on. Meet someone new, fall in love, have it fall apart. Rinse and repeat.
I’ve done it, kept going anyway, cause my life circumstances haven’t left me much choice. But is it what I prefer? No way! I would like to meet one person to grow old with, someone I could feel certain with, that whatever happens, we will work it out. Cause that person is my other half that I’m supposed to be with, in this lifetime. I don’t say this out loud anymore, cause it seems so naïve, to dream about one true “soulmate”.
Lots of people think there are several soulmates, others just “settle” for someone that’s “nice enough”. I don’t judge, whatever gets you by. But I would like to have my own belief too, without being ridiculed or viewed as less intelligent. Maybe that’s Utopia. Lots of people believe that their view of the world is the only “right way” to look at it.. Thus, I am a Secret Guerrilla Romantic.
Could it be that I’m completely wrong, like everything around me seems to imply; maybe there’s a name for my affliction? Jane Austen-syndrome? Am I just silly, living in a dream world? I look around me and sure, divorce rates are at an all time high. To support my view (or delusions), I only have one example of a couple I know, who have stayed together for the last 30 years. But they are very special people, a lot into spirituality, meditation, astrology, ancient wisdom, etc.
I don’t know where I’m going with this. The other, cynical part of me, feels I should just erase this whole post, this whole naïve way of thinking, cause what good did it really do me so far…
But there is a resistance within, a voice telling me I can not abandon who I really am, deep inside.
The endings of several serious, long-term relationships and many (many) tries in the dating scene, had already peeled away most of the dreamy and romantic layers of my soul. On top of that, the narcissistic relationship experience then came along and nearly did kill whatever remained of my dreams/beliefs. The dreams of romance, faithfulness, true love, even life-long love.
The relationship with the narcissist somehow encapsulated and seemed to confirm all of my worst fears; There is no such thing as true love. Romance is for children or fools, and cynicism, sex, “casual”, temporary, and surface, is all there is. If you believe in fighting for love, you’ll just get burned, and it’s your own fault.
Let me be clear about what I mean by being a romantic. I don’t mean buying a teddybear for your partner on Valentine’s.. (those teddybears holding a heart in their arms with some cheesy one-liner on a card…those just creep me out!). I’m not that much into flowers, cards, gifts, etc.
I certainly do appreciate romantic, beautiful scenery, poems, images. But what is at the core of my romantic dream is the ability to express love; in words aswell as actions. And to persevere, if you truly love someone, to not just “give up”. To fight for a relationship to last… (not in an “unhealthy” way of course, like the afore-mentioned example of Werther). I sure know I’m that fighter, if it is truly worth it. I’d have no problem staying with one person for 30 years. I don’t need “variety” in my love life, I’m a “one man woman”.
But I strongly suspect I am a dying breed, and am being weeded out as we speak, by The Natural Selection. The Romantic inside me will continue the guerrilla rebellion, though. Somewhere in this world, there is someone like me, who is meant to be with me. That is my truth, which has stayed with me for 30+ years. I’ll be damned if I let the narcissist or anyone else take away my true inner beliefs and my true self.