Recommended music: Alice’s experiences
In his arms, feeling so warm and secure. Hero really did love me, after all. This was the proof. All my thoughts drifted away, it seemed I was at sea, mild breeze, clear skies, a warm and forgiving sun shining down upon both of us..
Suddenly, the surface beneath me seemed to open up, revealing a dark abyss underneath me.
It seemed to possess an intense gravity, impossible to resist. I was drawn down, no matter how hard I tried clinging to the arms that had just embraced me so tightly.
Going down that dark hole, I noticed the walls around me were plastered with pictures; There was the photo of the Blonde on Hero’s boat, that he’d claimed was a friend’s girlfriend who “just wanted to be photographed solo on the boat”. There was another photo from Hero’s phone, of the girl with black hair, the one that was posing in underwear on a sofa that looked just like the one in Hero’s home. The stream of images continued, in a Neverending parade, down this tunnel of The Rabbit Hole.
I knew if I just ignored them, I could have an incredible time in Wonderland. A beautiful and passionate love, that was not concerned with any worldly issues.
The problem was that my mind would not tolerate this. Even though we were having a good time together, laughing or hugging, my Wonderland would be intercepted by Reality, chilling my bones in the form of sudden flashbacks of all these other photos and messages from women. My mind was informing me that; These two realities can not exist at the same time. He can not actually love you, while constantly pursuing other “targets”.
Try as I might, I never did manage to completely let go of Reality. My own mind did serve as my body guard, making occasional remarks and broadcasting these excruciating images onto my retinas, so that no matter how much time I spent in Wonderland, I’d never forget what was going on in the Real World, simultaneously.
It could be happening to you, that while you are in denial in your narcissistic relationship, your own mind will try to protect you, by sending you images and messages of things you have seen and know to be true. Abusive events, like silent treatments, lying, or cheating, for example.
This is your mind trying to wake you up from the illusion of Wonderland. This is the rebellious and inquisitive streak that Alice herself shows when she is in Wonderland; How can she have anymore tea, if she hasn’t gotten any tea at all? She even defies the Queen, at the end of the story, even proposing that the court is actually made up of playing cards from a deck of cards. Maybe not the author’s intention, but still, this is an exact description of a narcissistic relationship.
Alice will always defy the Queen in the end. No rational human being could ever accept living their whole life in a complete illusion. Even if you insist on doing this, your mind will find a way to inform you. Think of it as a situation where you’re being sued. Do you really think the court would be okay with “Oh well, she didn’t answer our first letter”? I think not.
Let’s say for argument’s sake that you did manage to escape your mind’s recurring efforts to enlighten you. Then you could live happily ever after with your narcissist, right? Now, if you’ve learned anything by now of narcissists you know the answer is NO. No matter what you do, a narcissist will always devalue and discard you. Sure, he might come back and “woo” you, in order for you to return to Wonderland. But, just like Alice, awoken from the dream, you know now, that none of it was real! The Cheshire Cat, The white Rabbit, even the Queen. It was all fun and games, until it became scary and threatening. But it was never real.
I see some people who still wanna cling to the illusion, they want to stay in Wonderland and “make it work”. To all those people I can say; I understand, I sympathise. I’ve been there. But all those times your mind is trying to tell you you’re being mistreated? Don’t sweep it under the rug. Do you really wanna stay in Wonderland and let that crazy ass Queen have your head off?
This is called Cognitive Dissonance; it represents the gap between what you know is the reality, and the False illusion you’re living, with the narcissist.
Wake up! Listen to what your mind is telling you!