Since Christmas is soon here, in today’s lesson I want to talk about what Christmas is like with a narcissistic partner/ex, in your life. So that you can be prepared.
If you’re still in a relationship with the (suspected) narcissist:
Watch closely how they behave during Christmas. It’s likely they will try to ruin it for you. This can be done in different ways, but the main goal for them, is for you to become disappointed.
One example of how Hero used to ruin Christmas; One year, we’d just gotten back together (after a million break-ups). He explained he wanted to spend the evening of Christmas Day with me. I was happy. He painted a picture of us having a cosy Christmas of our own, presents and food.
When Christmas came, he said he had to go see his family that day, instead. Oh, and they were gonna have a party, so he’d “have to” drink alcohol. Therefore he couldn’t drive later, to pick me up. But, he would still swing by my place before, real quick, to give me a Christmas gift..
Do you hear how this sounds? How did it go from a romantic Christmas date with gifts and food, to this? Oh yeah, it was something about he suddenly “had to work” Christmas Eve, so he couldn’t go see his family on that day (which was his original plan). So, our date on Christmas Day simply had to be cancelled, so he’d have time to see his family.
With a normal person, you’d think they might have chosen; not to drink alcohol, to be able to pick me up. Or not working Christmas Eve. To keep their promise. (When pressuring him, I found out he wasn’t “ordered” in to work, he chose to, he wanted extra cash). Hero simply didn’t care about our date, or his promise. This hurt me deeply. How could he not care, even during Christmas?
Standing you up, creating drama, disappointment, starting an argument, etc. They will use anything, to ruin your Christmas.
What about gifts? Maybe they “make up for” shitty behavior through lavish gifts? Nope, narcissists are usually really bad gift givers. For instance, I didn’t expect expensive gifts. But I did expect some effort. You can get someone an expensive gift, to show how important they are. That is one way. But if you don’t have a lot of money, you could get an inexpensive gift, that still shows you know the person well. You know, a personal touch.
Hero gave me electrical candles, one Christmas. They looked like something you would find forgotten in a box in your basement. And cost about 5 dollars. Another year, he got me a book (paper back of course, 10 dollars). I was actually a bit excited still, when I felt there was a book inside the parcel. “Maybe he has gotten me some really good book, that’s thoughtful of him!”
I opened. It was the worst kind of chick lit, that I absolutely hate! (The shallow, empty kind, I mentioned before on the blog; I don’t like really “bad” chick flicks, for example). It was like he did not know a single thing about me.
Apparently he didn’t remember that I’d studied classic literature at college and that I hated stuff that was too shallow…
I am not sure the bad gifts are intended to hurt you. I think it’s simply that the narcissist doesn’t have that level of caring, to understand what another person would want/need. (I gave Hero the most expensive gifts I could afford, often related to his hobbies. I stopped, when the contrast between our gifts became too stark).
The only exception I’ve found; They can give nice gifts, but only if you just started dating and they want to impress you, or if they’re hoovering.
But, if I’m out of the relationship, I’m “safe”, right?
If they can not ruin your Christmas in person, they’re likely to try by hoovering. A Christmas card/letter, full of regrets, asking if you’d please reply/forgive, “in the spirit of Christmas”. They “really feel bad” that you aren’t talking anymore. Etc.
They’re picking at the scab of your wound, which has started to heal. Even if you manage not to reply, this still probably hurts you. If you do reply, I think you know what happens..They don’t reply back, disappear.. or reply in a way that means more BS, drama or disappointment.
Why do they want to ruin this wonderful time?
My personal theory: they can’t stand seeing others happy, since they themselves can not feel true joy and connectedness to others. So they must ruin it, to make themselves feel better.
I truly fear the narcissist possibly hoovering me this Christmas. Will I be able to resist replying? And I know it will hurt, even if I succeed in keeping No Contact. But, I am not gonna let it ruin Christmas for me! I will enjoy the company of my mom, dad and brother, and good food!
To All of You (in advance); A Very Merry (Narc Free) Christmas! ❤//Survived