I’ve done some things that I am not very proud of, and as always, the guilt and self-blame return to me…
“Well, go on then”, you might be thinking, “tell what is wrong”. Regarding this, I can not say anything more specific. It’s too painful to reveal all of myself like that. Perhaps another time.. Maybe you recognize yourself in this, maybe not… but if you’re anything like me, I’m pretty sure you might also have some dark corners of your life and soul, that you can not reveal fully…or maybe that’s just me, I don’t know…
This has put me in a black hole, that has been sort of hard to get out of the last day or two. But, as I know that sometimes people do read my blog, I will say this much: (so that no one starts worrying)
*I have not committed any crime, *I am ok physically and in no danger whatsoever of any physical harm, and; *I am not in contact with the narcissist now.
Those ought to be the major three obvious concerns that anyone might have.
And hey, when I myself look at those three things on the list above here, I am suddenly feeling a little bit more “ok”. Like: hey there is still time to change, as a person! Maybe I am not the worst person ever! There was a saying in my language, I’ve no clue if it is the same in English, but anyway, here goes; “As long as there is life, there is hope”. I guess that’s true.
I am right now working on how to forgive myself, how to let go of shame, and how to have a life with less personal darkness and more light, next year.
Speaking of darkness vs.light, I’ve been Marathon-watching the TV series “The affair” lately. A trigger warning for watching, is if you have been cheated on..(but I have been cheated on a lot and I did not mind the topic, but it may be different how people react).
“The affair” is about, well, an affair, but also about how relationships evolve, and change. One of the messages in the series is about understanding and/or forgiveness, I believe. Even actions that are seemingly bad/dark, has a background story, some sort of motive. It’s not always the person performing the action, is necessarily “rotten to the core”.
It seems all of the main characters go through some sort of experience with personal darkness. I really liked it! You could give it a try too, if you’re bored or have spare time.
Well, this was a really weird post! It was basically a pep talk to myself, it seems. But hey, if someone liked reading it, then that’s nice.
Anyway, I will pep talk you too a little; if you’ve done something bad or let yourself down in anyway. Look at how serious it really is; maybe your mind is blowing it out of proportion, just a little bit? Did you or anyone else suddenly die, become irreparably physically (or emotionally) injured? Or was anyone wrongfully incarcerated? because of your wrongful actions? If not, there is probably lots of hope to turn the situation around.. to turn your life around, and forgive yourself.