(Profound Sadness – Warning. And a little bit longer read, for your spare time). This wound has been with me for about 7 years. Some would shrug and not validate it as a legitimate wound, shake their head and say: That’s all in your head.
And maybe it is partly in my head. It hurts just the same. And a big part of it is happening in reality, has been, for 7 years. And 3 recent events has blended together, to open this wound up, bleeding worse than ever. The events are: * Me cutting off contact for good with narcissist ex, * My mother’s boyfriend’s current state between life and death, and: * Me recently turning 36 years old. The wound is simply:
* The fear of never having children of my own. I touched on this in other blogs, but now I need to spill it all, otherwise this will consume me. Right now, the thought of never having children, and a family of my own, is just… unbearable.
The reasons why recent events have caused my wound to bleed badly now, may be obvious, but I’ll spell it out for therapeutic reasons: * Letting go completely of the hope of a relationship with the narc. Well, logically I realized there was no way to make that relationship work. Emotionally, my love was real, so there were plenty of periods where I dreamed we’d have a baby (he promised me that several times, fake promises). So a large part of the pain of ending all contact with him, was realizing now we would never have a baby. And The healing process after that relationship is just so long, I can’t see the end of it. It feels like I am merely in the beginning, and that I’d need minimum 1 -2 years more, to become healed enough, to be able to have a serious relationship.
* Also, my mother’s boyfriend in a state between life and death has made me acutely aware again, of how short life is, and that I really need to decide on some course of action with The Baby Question. Which stresses me to no end.
* All this, combined with my biological age… it’s a nightmare! Statistically, I should have started having children yesterday, or better yet, two years ago, to have a good chance of conceiving…. And now I sit here, without so much as a prospect of a partner in sight, and a completely broken heart and soul… (Yes, you can sound the panic alarm button now, please).
This wound has become like one of those chronic diseases, which will lay dormant for a while, and now and again rear its ugly head to make you hurt all over. And now it’s back, and it ain’t taking no prisoners. There is no known medicine or cure against this condition. Well, except to start a family… but that’s impossible right now.
My experience is that most other people (with children) can not relate to this “grief” of something that, in their eyes “has not even happened yet”, but in my eyes has been happening for 7 years and is the most likely scenario to continue to happen, given my circumstances. But they (other people) already got theirs, so they can’t really imagine what life would be like without children, therefore can’t really support you, either. It’s sort of like…maybe I couldn’t understand a person who is blind/deaf? Maybe I can not “fully” empathize with that, cause my mind just can’t imagine, what it would feel like?
All I get is a cheerful “You’ll meet someone soon!” (Oh god, I hate that phrase! Please make that phrase illegal!) Well, some people are more understanding than others, but they’re a minority, sadly.
Others grow quiet and can’t talk about the topic at all. When new aquaintances, women, ask me if I have children, and I say “No”, it’s a conversation killer like you wouldn’t believe. It’s like I cease to exist for them, or something. Like, they don’t know what to talk to me about, cause I must be either weird, or a cold career bitch, to not have had children, at my age. (I just want to scream at them that I did have two long relationships which just didn’t work out, and that they just got darn lucky in the relationship/child lottery, is all!) It’s such a lonely place to be, not only cause of this lack of understanding. Also because 95% of my old friends are gone, some because they/I moved, countless others because they started a family and vanished into that “sphere”.
I absolutely hate to dwell on this subject, to bathe in the pool of self pity, to drown in the dam of despair that this wound brings me to, as the wound gets ripped right up, like in recent days. Believe me, I just want a solution, peace of mind, I rack my brain trying to figure out how to deal with this. But it brings me such excruciating pain, just thinking about the next 40 years without children or grandchildren, so it is a high threshold just to start sorting through solutions etc.
To console myself, I’ve only found one “plan”, 1) I’ll start dating soon again, and 2) have a “back up plan”= have children on my own, at 38 years of age (in 2 years’ time) without a partner (with the help of a private clinic).
Now, this is where I get lost again in my mind, I sort of fall down into one of those hatches in the floor, the kind you see characters in funny movies/cartoons fall down into. Falling down that hatch leads right back to the dam of despair again.
The issues with the “plan”:
* I get really stressed by having to “heal quickly” for meeting the rejections that dating entails. So this will make dating delay “too long”, in regards to my plan.
* I don’t really want to have a child “by myself”. I don’t judge others doing that. But what I really want is a family, with someone I love.
(I know families split up all the time, so I might become a single mother anyway. But I would at least like a chance at having a family with someone, from the beginning). This way of thinking, wanting to have a family with someone, makes it really hard to go through with the plan of having a child on my own, at a clinic…
So, I always end up where I started. I have no plan. No real plan, at any rate. Just a sort of “console-myself-in-the-moment-but-would-never-work-out-plan. And I tell you, those kind of plans are totally worthless, once you poke at them, see them crumbling, a house of cards. I know people say time heals all wounds. I am not so sure. I think I might be able to get over this narcissistic relationship BS, in a year or two. But, not even getting a chance to build a family of my own… I just can’t see myself getting over that, anytime in the next few decades. So, I don’t have a plan. I just have A Wound That Never Heals.