Narcissists are like flavours in an Italian ice cream shop; so many flavours that anyone could get confused: Is this really the strawberry melon ice cream? Are you sure it’s not the raspberry grapefruit sorbet? Is this really ice cream at all, I’ve never tasted anything like this? 

So, your tourist guide begins:

Classic narcissist (grandiose/malignant)If you’ll just read Wikipedia/similar, you’ll get that this is the vanilla/strawberry of narcissists. By no means as innocent..  only meaning: this is “the original”, the “King”, that everything else stems from. Ingredients in the Classic Narcissist flavour are: lying, cheating, manipulating, having no conscience, no empathy, no accountability. Oh, and this flavour has no interest for anything but their own image/perfection. And getting that confirmed. They want the mass of consumers to just.. pick them. They simply are the best… Everyone bend your knee, for..royalty. (Since every flavour is made in the same machines, in every other flavour you can taste these classic flavours, too).


Somatic narcissist: This person is a lot about physical appearance and sex. Whether they show it or not, in their mind they’re male or female “studs”, proud of their looks and feed off of any compliments regarding their muscles, slim waist, or performance in bed. (My ex, Hero, was all about this; he was prancing and neighing like a stallion, when you would compliment him on his biceps or his “performance”). This flavour is definitely something new and hot, like “wasabi and pomegranate” or some similar bullshit.

Cerebral narcissist: This person doesn’t really promote their razor sharp cheek bones, or their Adonis-like torso. Instead, they’re in awe of  their brilliant mind. And of course, you should be too. You should worship their knowledge of literature, math, or any other intellectual activity they use their unique mind to master. This flavour I would presume is something sophisticated. Perhaps “ecologically grown pecan with a touch of coconut and lime.” Or maybe this flavour transforms itself out of the ice cream shop and takes you to a fancy dinner. (You’ll pay of course since their brilliant mind can’t keep its mind on earthly things like wallets).


Overt narcissist: If narcissists formed a heavy metal band, I bet this guy would be both the singer and the drummer. He uses all his aggression, any way he can, to make you yield. He may use tools ranking from name calling, yelling, to controlling who you hang out with. All the way up to physical violence, against you. This will break you. This is the darkest flavour, licorice, with a hint of lemon and a full jar of those strong peppers, from a place somewhere in South America, mixed with “magic mushrooms”. You’ll feel delusional and sick. Even through your built-up tolerance, you won’t be able to keep eating this, in the end.

Covert narcissist: With this guy there’s not much flavour at first. He seems rather vanilla. Oh yeah, there’s a small hint of… passion fruit. Oh how nice, you notice some pieces of almond! You thank your lucky star, that you finally found a nice guy. That’s when you feel the bitter aftertaste. This person may not hit you, or get outbursts of rage. But boy, is this flavour poisonous in the end. This person still possesses all the classic narcissistic tools of lying, cheating, and a hundred ways of getting your psyche down to the lowest low that you’ve ever experienced. When your suffering starts, you will notice that the almonds are bitter almonds…which are in fact deadly when overconsumed. ..Easily confused with regular sweet  almonds..


Fragile narcissist: (Closely related to covert) This flavour is sort of pitiful. It’s the cheap version of vanilla, made in large factories. It can appear more sensitive than the others. It looks sad, in its corner, holding a sign up saying that it’s last year’s flavour. Fragile narcissism seems more innocent, since it shows you “lonely”. Do not let yourself be fooled, you’ll notice lots of after tastes of Classic Narcissism. It can be just as deadly as the others, if it doesn’t undergo a long treatment. (You may wanna go to another ice cream shop, since that may take years).

Remember, this is an ice cream shop, where all the flavours are occasionally mixed, by accident. You may have ordered covert/fragile narcissist, but little did you know it suddenly blended with overt/aggressive narcissist. Also remember; the longer you’re exposed to the poison present in all these flavours, the more injury is done to your whole system. Even if you don’t feel it all right now; the long term effects are horrendous.

What flavours did your narcissist have? How long did the chilling effects of the poison last? Will you go back to a shop that you now know only sells poisonous foods? Or are you going to explore all the other healthy options in the world?