OK. I’m about to make a confession that will make some of you raise your eyebrows. And I’m ashamed… so ashamed in fact, that I couldn’t talk about this on the blog. But: The truth shall set you free! So here I am. Cleaning out my closet.
Ok, here goes: Around New Year’s I had a total electric shortage, in the brain. When everything goes black, nothing works, you’re left in the dark, and have to feel your way forward with trembling hands. You’re beginning to feel scared, although you tell yourself it’s silly being afraid of the dark..
Anyway, there I was, feeling a loneliness more intense than ever. Not to justify, but to explain: I have no children, “almost” no close friends, cause my best friend died, and the rest are “busy” with their families, out of touch. Although I understand, still hurts….. It’s just; sometimes I get: “I’m lonely too“. And then I find out the person has children they see on regular basis, plus a bunch of close friends… It just puts perspective, I think, to loneliness. If you’re lucky enough to have children around. Or close friends that actually still care, and are not wrapped up 200% in family life. That’s my bitterness right there, I’m owning it. Said it to my own mother, when she complained about being alone in periods of life. I said frankly: Well, you did get to spend 20 years not being alone, cause of us children, and now you even have children who check in, who do you reckon I’ll have, when I’m 65? She turned quiet, cause she knows, she’s never been lonely, not the way I have. She’s not come home to an empty apartment, decade, after decade, after decade, without ever hearing laughter of children in her home…
Don’t mean to put anyone’s loneliness down! But if you haven’t “missed” the whole miracle of having children, and spending time when they grew up, I don’t think you can truly understand what it means, looking at 20- 40-50 years of that kind of loneliness ahead, without a family of your own. Just saying…it is really rough, even thinking about it, I can’t go the whole nine yards on it… it’s way too painful.
So anyway, my loneliness was overwhelming, to say the least, facing 36 y.o., childless, single, and another year.
So: I thought about all I’d lost: The four years I’d wasted on the narc, therefore my ever decreasing chance of ever getting pregnant, saw my hope of a family turning to ashes… So, I met up with the narc, thinking, it can’t hurt to have one more look; maybe he’s prepared to fix himself, and “us”. Who knows… So, we met. It was “nice”. The chemistry was there, as always, fire works. And he flattered me, I was the best at everything, the most tender, the most blah blah.. How special I am. But nothing more, he didn’t show actual will to change, repair… Nope. He just carried on with his. “Yeah.. I wish I knew how to fix this…”-routine.. which is “getting old”. (Considering I’ve told him about 300 times how he can actually fix this..).
So when I realized he was his old self and didn’t have motivation to repair… I thought: Oh, well. (Déjà Vu much in a narc relationship?) So, to feel good about myself, I sent one last e-mail, poured out my emotions. Not in a bashing way. Just… acknowledging how I feel… That I’m sad he’s not capable of real love. I wished him luck with his “life style”, said I couldn’t comprehend how he threw away the love of the woman he claimed was “the only one he ever cared about, the only one he could ever see himself having a family with“… But, I concluded; he needs therapy, and I hope he’ll get it some day. I also said this will be the last time ever, of our communication. That I mean it this time, and I’m fully committed to taking care of my physical/emotional health, and finding genuine love. Anyone “normal” would have sensed how heartfelt it was… After that, he’s hoovered me twice, e-mails from new accounts I hadn’t yet blocked. He informed me in those e-mails that he’d previously sent “quite many ” e-mails from other accounts (that I’ve blocked).
Ok, that was the confession. Now the celebration part. (Yay! Balloons, fireworks!). I’m celebrating, it’s 17 days since I was last in contact with Narc. And the 2 hoovers that have reached me, I’ve not responded. I feel there’s a true shift, within. There’s this rebellion in my soul, I’ve never felt before! I don’t know if you read my poem from the other day? (You can find it: Here ) That was some strength rising, saying: “NO MORE!” Almost like there was another voice, from far away, that was guiding me. As I walked the snow covered areas outside, the words of that poem just came to me. Like, flowing within, without knowing where they came from! I know that’s hard to believe, but that’s how it happened. When I was very young, trying to write poetry, I had to think it all up. But these days, if I do write poetry, it all comes flowing, involuntarily. It’s not often, perhaps every 2-3 weeks, but still.. it’s quite amazing, for a person that hasn’t written poetry in 18 years..
Anyway, the reason I’m glad I’m on 17 days of NC again, is that it’s sort of my “record”. If I go one or more days further now, I’ll be further along in No Contact than ever. (Well, at least as far back as I can remember right now.. ).
I want to encourage everyone to stay strong! I feel the urge from deep within, to keep supporting/informing people, about narcissism. I come to think of one thing here, that the origins of my first name, means something like: “Defender of human beings. Maybe that’s why I feel so strongly about this. If you haven’t already, check out this amazing article on how your brain actually gets damaged from narc abuse; Here)
So there, I layed bare my shame, well parts of it.. there’s more… But I can’t share all at once, maybe later. But I open up, to support others. If we can’t put a spotlight on our darkness, how are we ever gonna approach the light? And I don’t believe my darkness comes from a place of evil… Quite the opposite, I find all my darkness stems from the longing to be loved, and make it last. So, there’s some light still…