If you were involved with a narcissist, maybe you’ve spent an unusal amount of time chasing the ever elusive closure from them, after you went your separate ways. You likely feel a burning need within for this “closure”: Why did they hurt you so much? Did they ever love you at all?
In normal, healthy relationships, you can usually get answers. Maybe not in the moment of breaking up, if feelings run high. But when things have settled, you can usually talk through; why didn’t we work out as a couple? Should we remain friends, or is it too soon to think about that? There’s usually some sort of understanding and mutual respect. Sure, there are exceptions to this aswell. There can be some endings to relationships that aren’t too pretty, and where you never want to speak to the person again. But in those cases, you probably know why. You don’t feel the need for answers gnawing at your brain and heart every day…
In a narcissistic relationship, you want closure too. You wanna have a healthy conversation about what went down. (Well, ok, you want them to kneel and beg for forgiveness for all the shit they put you through, but ok, we’ll go with “healthy” for argument’s sake).
This is never going to happen. Not ever. But why?
Cause that’s not in the interest of the narcissist. They want to keep you forever hooked, wondering, ruminating, obsessing, hurt, longing. This gives the narcissist the most delicious source of supply. What a dream for them; someone who is so in love with them that moving on is impossible! Wow, how fabulous the narc truly must be, then! (he/she thinks to themself).
Now, you may have a “pseudo-discussion”, masked as “closure”. The narc may even express remorse. But somehow, after, they’ll still hoover you. They may be vague in terms of if they really want you back. They may claim to want to be friends, but not acting like that, at all. They may promise all kinds of changes, which never materialize. They may promise to leave you alone, and then hoover again. Whatever they say, you’ll soon notice, it’s like the conversation you had never happened. Personally, during these last years, I must have had about 100-150 of these “pseudo closures”. Meaning, the narcissist would either promise to change, or to leave me alone. And a week later, poof, he acted like we never talked about that, and did whatever he wanted, anyway.
Other reasons why you can never have closure: narcissists are, as you may know, shall we say “severely challenged” when it comes to conscience, and empathy. It’s said by most connaisseurs of narcissists, that they in fact do not possess neither of these basic human qualities. Without those, why would they ever care about giving you “closure”? When it’s much more beneficial for them to keep you on a hook. Like a defenseless fish wriggling on their hook, gasping for air, fighting for its life, while they sit there and watch.
Special Warning: Be especially aware of what’s going on inside you. Ask yourself the tough questions: Do you really want “closure”, one conversation, and leave it at that? Or are you secretly hoping that the narcissist will “wake up”, “change”, ” heal your relationship”? If so, I would say you’re in grave danger, if you’re with a narcissist. Just ask yourself: Is this how a normal, healthy relationship works? Does a normal relationship entail you having to hunt down a person cause they’re giving you the silent treatment? Or that the person is pretending not to remember the last conversation you had, (which was serious)?
Just be honest with yourself. Is your secret wish that they make a mends so you can take them back? If this is the situation, you need to get real with yourself. Ask yourself: Why do I want a person in my life who treats me with disrespect? Why is it I don’t think I deserve better than that?
Closure with a narcissist, is like searching for The Holy Grail: You just “feel” it has to be right around the corner! You’re so close to getting it, to finally being free! But, you can waste your whole life searching for a fantasy…. or you can live your life, instead. And find true love. The one you don’t have to chase, and won’t make you into a nervous wreck.
Just think about it: How many times have you tried “getting closure” with a narcissist? 1? 5? 25? 100? How long is it gonna go on this quest, for this Holy Grail of yours, while the days, weeks, months, ultimately, years of your life, are wasted, on a hopeless mission?
I’m not judging, I just want to raise awareness. After the narc relationship was over, I waited one year, to get closure from the narcissist. It must’ve been about 100 different tries. That is one year of my life I’ll never get back. He sounded oh so convincing at every contact. “Yes, of course he was gonna leave me alone now, he knew how much he had hurt me”. (5 days later a hoover again, which brought me right back to the pain, unable to move forward). “Yes, of course he was gonna do everything required to rebuild our relationship”. (And then I couldn’t reach him at all for 7 days, or so..)
Please, do not waste your time, and life, on the narcissist’s games. None of us know for a fact, if we get more lives than the one we have, right now.
The truth is: With a decent person, if you give them one/ a couple of times, to explain themselves, apologize genuinely.. that’s usually enough. And if they don’t, we usually leave, if there are too many issues in the relationship. It’s only with narcissists/similar abusers, that we “can’t leave until we get closure”, cause we are so enmeshed in their dysfunction, that we don’t see clearly that we already have all the evidence we need.
We’ll never get true closure from narcissists. We must give it to ourselves. We know what happened. We know how they hurt us, without regrets, without conscience. That’s all we need to know. Now, we’re too busy, to look for a Holy Grail. Cause we’ve got some healing to do!