Ok, this may be my most odd blog title so far, (well the previous one was also sort of “nuts”, quoting Robin from 1960’s Batman….uuhm, riiight…). But what the heck! I can’t care about superficial stuff, I have joy and healing to talk about!
And as we all know, whether we’ve been abused by a narcissist, or carried the burden of another significant loss – we have to cherish those little moments. The ones where we find peace, an island of calm, in a great storm that is surrounding us. We are safe and warm on this island, we have shelter. And… we have food!
I always used to enjoy cooking. I’ll admit, sometimes my food was in the category “barely edible”. But mostly, it was acceptable. With practise it eventually evolved until I sometimes even felt proud of some dishes. Another ex, (before Narc) even used to say my food was “the best in the world”! I know it wasn’t, but to see him
eat devour it with such hunger, while praising my cooking, made my heart swell a little with pride. I was actually quite good at something, and someone I loved, loved it! That’s a great feeling, isn’t it? (Perhaps I’ll tell you the story about that ex sometime, it’s quite a good love story…I’ll call him mr. X, for future reference).
Anyway, the other day I was tired of this grieving, don’t you just get exhausted some time, and need a break? I do. I have a full time job, I cannot have a “full time grief”, too! So I decided to reclaim my cooking. Reclaim…? Yes, you see the reason I all but stopped it, for the last year, was because it reminded me so much of Narc. How I used to cook for him, as a way to show love. And after all he’d done to me, I just lost joy and could barely cook anymore. (I am alive thanks to takeout!) But the other day, I suddenly got angry at the thought that I shouldn’t cook good food for myself, because of him! He’s already taken so much from me. I’m taking this one back.
So, I cooked something simple, quite haphazardly. It’s not even a “real dish”… But I took salmon fillets, seasoned with black pepper, salt, some honey and curry and let it rest in that mix for a while. Meanwhile, I chopped up some carrots and parsnips. Slapped on a little bit of walnut oil, honey, salt, ground chili pepper. I have no idea about measurements – and that’s the beauty of it! I was back in my old game, just going along with my own sense of how much of every ingredient is “just enough”. Into the oven it all went in a flash, I was hungry!
Since I’d been working like a dog, getting some reports finished for work, I’d skipped lunch… so this was “linner”, (lunch + dinner). It needed something more. I found a small bag of gnocchi made of potatoes. I boiled them, too.
Not to toot my own horn, but it was delicious! In fact, the best meal I’ve had in at least a month. I thought the veggies would be dry, but they melted in the mouth!. Ok, I’m validating myself here, but that’s the point! I don’t need a man to validate everything for me. My own taste buds work just fine… (But hey, if a man reads this, you’re welcome to say it looks yummy, I don’t mind!)
So, this was a bit of an odd post, about me reclaiming a small piece of my old self. It’s so important that we try, even if we feel resistance. If it feels absolutely impossible doing an activity, maybe we should try something new? If you were in a narcissistic/otherwise desctructive relationship, what parts of yourself did you lose? Or, if you’re in grief, what have you stopped doing? What part can you reclaim? What new activity can you do, that’s healing for you, offers joy and self-confidence?
This simple, seemingly insignificant nugget of everyday life, actually inspired me.. as crazy as it sounds. So I’ll probably post some more organized posts about healing, soon. Take care, bon appetit! 💋
No Contact With Narcissist: Day 21
💜 Word of the Day: Reclaiming 💜