I’m trying to figure out what is wrong with this picture. (Nothing wrong with the picture above..*smiles*, I mean this snapshot of my life…)
I’m not sure exactly how many men have showed interest in me on the dating site. I estimate that about 50 men have sent me messages so far, and/or hit the “flirt”/”like”-buttons. Out of these 50 men, I’ve only found 1 or 2 that catch my interest. I find this number, 1-2 out of 50, quite disheartening. My interest level in those 1-2 isn’t even “Wow!”, it’s more like: “OK, I could chat with that person for a little bit”.
I know, I know. I could, of course, change my admittedly passive approach. As it is now, I just go online and let people check me out/contact me. I should probably be more active and look at the little photo icons of people who are online. And make a conscious choice myself, of who looks interesting enough to me, to visit their page and contact them. But I don’t. Instead I lay back like an empress on my silk cushion, and expect to be waited upon… Why?
Is it arrogance? Is it the influence of the old pattern of thought in society, that the man should be the hunter, and the woman the “hunted”? Or is it simply lazyness?
None of the above, I believe. I think this is just where I am at, right now, in my healing process. This is exactly how damaged I’ve become, after the narcissistic relationship. And it is good for me to face that. This is what is wrong with this picture. This is why I am not actively searching for people on the dating site; Because, I have just enough self-confidence to “put myself out there”, but only in this passive way. Like, “Hello again, world”. I simply could not deal with the more active approach right now. I just know that me sending people messages and in some cases not even getting a reply (which I guess is pretty common in this context), would be devastating to the small amount of self-confidence that I’ve managed to rebuild after The relationship from Hell…
And I do miss Hero, a.k.a. Narc, still. I know that’s effed up. And don’t worry, I haven’t lost my mind. 95% of him/his behaviors, I do not miss. But the remaining 5 %, “the broken boy inside”, the one who clung to me and begged me not to abandon him… The broken man who would embrace me and say; “Well, help me, then. I know there is something wrong with me”… Those sort of images still remain. Etched into my heart… like polaroid instant photos, but blurred, by all the tears fallen on them. Part of the grief is still there…
So yeah. Baby steps it is. That’s ok. For now. I have to gently remind myself that it is still huge progress; Going from being a wreck, constantly missing/grieving mr. Narc, to actually opening myself up to the possibility of another man.
But hey, Universe, if you do have someone tender, funny, but serious, in mind for me.. I wouldn’t mind if he just sort of popped up there, on the website. Whenever it’s convenient for you, Universe. Of course. I get that you’ve got a lot of other clients to tend to.
Love 💋 /SurvivedNarc