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Something changed in me, after the narcissistic relationship. Before, I was always quite calm.ย It’s well known, that after you’ve been involved with a narcissist or similar toxic personality, there’s an increased risk that you’ll experience heightened levels of anxiety. Or call it hypervigilance/paranoia, even. I choose to call it anxiety. This is caused by you being “conditioned” by the narcissist, to always “expect the worst”. How could you not, after being exposed to such drama, humiliation, and fear-inducing techniques, such as manufactured abandonment, etc…

Right now, I have a specific anxiety. You know from the last posts, that I installed 2 apps to stop narc from contacting me.. Well, that’s all good and dandy. I truly love my “Extreme Call Blocker”. Well, as much as you can love a technical thingie… ๐Ÿ™‚

It has a little icon;ย 2982.png, a blue shield, that sits in the corner of my cel phone screen. Every time I see it, I feel a little more protected, than before. Like the narcissist can not harm me. But, when anxiety hits, I know my apps won’t stop him. I know he could easily swing by and put letters in my mailbox at home. He doesn’t live that far away. And he has always done so, for the past 14 months, when I haven’t answered text messages/e-mail in a while….

It’s like he’s saying between the lines: “I own you. I’ll always come back for you. In the periods in between, I’ll do whatever I want”. Of course, he would deny this vehemently, and claim that he’s “always trying to fix things between us”. This blows a fuse or two, in my brain, because that statement is the opposite of reality. It’s such a heavy gaslighting statement that it makes me doubt my own world. How can this person send sad letters (like he’s always done before), and then treat me like shit and not get in touch in several weeks? Well, you all know how that story goes… it’s because he is a narcissist, that he can do that… Another person with healthy relationship patterns would never put someone through that sort of behavior…. (If you’re new to my blog, you can read an old blog post, that shows this behavior in extreme: ย it was the worst of times)

But why do I suffer anxiety? I seem to be doing so well, installing these apps, really trying to protect myself from harm? But still, the anxiety is there, because 1) I have not had enough time away from him, to be certain I am strong enough to face letters from him in my mailbox. Some part of me still doubts my strength to resist the manipulations… Maybe I would call him, rage at him, or worse, agree to meet to “talk things through”. Like a thousand times before…

No matter in which way I would respond, it would set me back tremendously,ย and feel like it would erase what little healing I have accomplished so far. (This is partly why I am writing this post; Hopefully I’ll go back and read this post, if another letter should appear). ย And 2) I really hateย that I can not feel at peace in my own home. I know this may sound exaggerated. Cause I’ve never been in danger of physical harm. This particular narc is all about making himself feel great, while making me feel like shit…

So…Still, even though no risk of physical harm, I feel my boundaries are trampled down, and my wishes not respected, whenever he has swinged by (in the past) and left a letter. I wanna scream: “I asked to be left alone, what part of that didn’t you understand? I need distance from you! Can you respect my wishes even once?” Also, these days I get to do my work from home, some days. And I don’t want to have to put on make-up etc, just to go down to the grocery store, in case he happens to swing by with a letter. (That has happened a couple of times in the past, and it made me feel like shit). I know it sounds superficial, but it isn’t. I don’t want him to see me looking tired/pale, not looking my best, etc. Not because I care to be attractive to him, but because he’ll interpret that as “defeat” for me, “win”, for him. (“Look, how tired she looks; must be from missing me…” would be his ego-maniac interpretation). So, that’s why I don’t want him to see me as my laid back “at home-self”…

So yeah. Hopefully he will act differently this time than all the other times, and not show up. But the anxiety is still there.. So, I continue to look over my shoulder, for now.