There’s always a glitch, isn’t there? Nothing works a hundred per cent. That’s life. For those of you who didn’t read about my latest fortifications of my defenses, I can say in short, that I got 2 apps installed on my phone: “Extreme Call Blocker”, and “Clean Inbox – smsBlocker”. (I talked a bit about it in the posts A Small Revenge… & Laughing While…)
Now, they’ve been great, in lots of ways. No messages from narcissist, disturbing my peace. Nice and quiet. But, I discovered a couple of days ago, while exploring the text message blocking app a bit more, that there was a “Blocked Messages List”. Even if the messages themselves had been “erased”, you could still see “statistics”, that said: “Number of messages blocked: ….”. Now, the first day or so, it said 0 (zero). But after 1-2 days, I checked again, and then it said: one message blocked. Another day or so went by, and it said: three messages blocked. Today, it said: five messages blocked. (In total, that is). So, since last weekend, the narcissist must have tried to text me five times in total. Two of those messages today/tonight. (I live in Europe, so it’s night here, now). The messages couldn’t be from anyone else, I never receive “spam” and no other person is blocked from my phone…
So, how do I feel about still being able to see that the narcissist has tried to reach me? Well, to be honest, at first I was a bit shocked and thought: “This is not good!” It triggered the old fear within me; “Will I be tempted to reach out to him, because of this?” etc.
But no, strangely enough, it has had the opposite effect. It calms me, to have the control, the knowledge, the “overview”. The simple fact of knowing that he’s reached out, doesn’t make me want to contact him. This helps me, too, in my insights; So, it was always reading his words, that got to me, I know that now. The (seemingly “genuine”, but hollow) words, ie: “Missing you”, “Please, can you just answer?”, & the killer: “I just want to talk, make this right”…
Boy, must he be desperate for a “fix” of attention (narcissistic supply). In one week, 6 attempts in total, to reach me! (including Ninja Hoover). Perhaps not going too well with all his online flirts… maybe they were “flakes”, like him.. Maybe that’s not as fun anymore, being on the receiving end of “flaky” people..? Maybe he now “misses” the old, worn-out teddybear toy, on the shelf? (That’s Me)…. I think all of these thoughts from a “detached” perspective; like a scientist studying his test subject. I know this sounds mean, cruel even. It’s not meant to be. It’s just that when someone has hurt you a few hundred times, I think this sort of detachment eventually becomes “natural” and inevitable….
This is the first time for as long back as I can remember, that I have withstood this many attempts at hoovering, from him. 6 tries in a week. Before, when I read the words of his messages, I usually caved after about 3 tries.
This “glitch” in the blocking app, has in fact helped me. Maybe it’s even supposed to be there, I don’t know. But regardless, this has now shown me, that I can be indifferent, that I can protect myself. Granted, “with a little help from my friends”, the apps… but still! A victory… And not only have the apps helped. You, readers, friends, have been invaluable to me, with your supportive feedback. Kudos to you!
Now, I just have to be prepared… After this many hoovering attempts, by my count, there should be a letter in my mailbox at home, come next week… Now, he knows. He knows I’m pulling away, stronger than ever. No way in hell will he want to allow that, is my guess. So, in all likelihood, the narcissist will now up the ante, again. (Like in ..it Was the Worst of Times.., if you remember). I have to gather all my strength, cause this could be a rough one. Good blogging friend, Laurel, suggested I must not open the letter, if it does arrive. I know, I know.
But will i have the strength? Will my old weakness get the better of me? I don’t know.. I can only try. And thanks to the “glitch” I’ve talked about today, I now know “approximately” when the letter should arrive… I just hope all I’ve learned, can help me. Technology and friends here helped me already. This last part, the final test, I must pass on my own…
I will do it. I will NOT regress in my healing. I will NOT let him hurt me again. I invoke all the good forces in the universe; help me avoid receiving the letter, or help me gather strength to simply throw it away without reading… I’ve never managed that before, but I must, this time… I simply must.