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What the *beep* is going on? How can you be 36 years old and have a crush like you had when you were a school girl? This is perfectly ridiculous! Where the hell is my critical thinking, where is the cynic in me? Where is that person that was so hurt within me, and preached “caution, caution, girl!” Believe me, I am trying to reason with myself, telling my heart to be still. I truly am! 

I can not help it! I have butterflies in my stomach and bubbling champagne in my veins where my blood used to be! Yet, I feel as calm as a pond in the deep forests, when I’m talking to him! How can this be?

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Yes, we talked on the phone again today, Male Nurse and I. For some reason, time disappeared and I suddenly noticed that we had talked for one and a half hour! (Just as I’m writing this, I remember the narcissist ex, who never bothered to call me, to just, you know, talk about stuff. The contrast is rather painful.. But, nevermind that).

Do you remember that I have previously talked about colors of the soul? Well, this man did show me all the warm colors on his canvas, today. It was like a sunset; shades of warm golden, peach, pink, orange. With just one tiny hint of blood red, too! Don’t get me wrong, he did not love bomb me; not at all. He only said one single thing, that revealed how interested in me he really is. (I will get back to that).

We simply talked about life in general, food, where he grew up, where I grew up, our jobs, interests, etc. But he is just so… warm, the way he talks about life, about the work with his patients, etc. We both mentioned our past relationships, and it seemed we had both gone through some pain, and been hesitant to get serious with someone again. We didn’t really get into that too much, just touched on the subject briefly. You know, like you do when you don’t really know someone… I thought that was nice, that neither of us revealed all of ourselves, instantly. There seem to be boundaries, and a little bit of caution, from both of us.

We flirted, playfully. Or, um, I think that was mostly me, to be honest. He was actually very careful not to push anything. Gave a couple of simple, natural compliments about my personality, then started to talk about other things again.

I told him it felt very strange to suddenly meet someone, by chance, and how odd it was that it could feel so natural, to talk to that person. He agreed that he saw this whole thing as very strange, too. Then it seemed like he said something he perhaps hadn’t meant to say. It was the sweetest thing I have heard in a long time. He said: “Well, this is the greatest thing that has happened, in quite some time. Possibly ever.”

I know, you could say that was “love bombing”, but it just didn’t feel like that, you know? It felt like something that sort of just “slipped out”, like something he was thinking, and not meant to say out loud…

The red flags are simply this: This is too good to be true! He is too nice, too warm, too gentle, too real, too “everything”. There is no such person, I believe. (Is this my damaged self talking, after the narcissistic “actor” ex)? Since I myself have listed “too good to be true” on one of my “warning signs of narcissism”-posts, I will take my own advice and try to activate my critical thinking, when I actually meet him again… I promise.

Maybe this is all in my head. Oh well. Then I got to have a crush for a little while, at least. That’s not nothing, in my book, after how the last five years of my life have been… (The narcissistic relationship hell, losing mr. X, losing my best friend who passed away…)

Male Nurse will now be called mr. Serendipity. He can keep that name, until after the date, when I’ll consider if he can keep it further. He earned it for now, for making me believe I could fall in love with someone again. 

Even if it turns out that this was all in my head, it was… beautiful.

 

 

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(pics:1FaithHopeLove/Bloglovin, 2: DarlingMagazine)