I’m a ridiculous person. I borrowed that word, ridiculous, from someone else, cause that’s the only word that fits, right now. (Thanks, CreativeRational, for the inspiration on that one!).
I have had a stomach ache (more like really persistent butterflies…) for about the last 24 hours. I haven’t slept well at all. I’m not hungry… It’s all due to the upcoming date tonight.
I have talked twice more to mr. Serendipity on the phone, since my last post about him. The conversation is smooth, fun, flirty, every time. He has hinted in a very gentle way, that he may be falling for me. I do love how careful he is. He behaves as if he’s watching a beautiful deer in a forest; like he knows I could be scared off any second, simply by too sudden movement, on his part. But, I also sense there is a wolf inside him, a creature of passion and lust, which makes all of this very dangerous indeed…
I’m in way over my head here. I haven’t had a proper date since last spring, when I tried to date a guy… (but the narcissist got wind of it, swept in with long love letters filled with fake promises). Maybe I am not healed enough? I still have difficulty trusting a man, I still feel the conditioning inside; to always expect the worst, from a man. It runs deep, since that is what I lived with for four years… Yet, in some strange way, I want to trust mr. Serendipity… I have told him I have had some really bad experiences, but that those have nothing to do with him. But, that I may react in strange ways, suddenly withdraw, etc. He only said he was grateful I told him, that he understands, and I do not have to worry when I am with him. But, but, but… you know. The old wounds point me to think about all the lies of the narcissist… what if these are all lies, too…
The thought of cancelling the whole thing, the date that is, has even come up in my head a couple of times… I know, I know. Panic mode. I shouldn’t listen to that. That is just my brain trying to protect me against a perceived threat, or harm. A perceived harm; not in fact real harm. I think my brain is on autopilot, to avoid new experiences of pain… but then, it also hinders me to experience joy, and possibly… love.
What bothers me, is, I can not for the life of me remember this person’s physical appearance. I only know he is a lot taller than me, which is nice. But his face is a blur. That happens every time I like someone. Then I can’t remember their face until after I’ve seen them again… And I felt sort of bad asking him to send a photo, so I didn’t do that. So I do not really know what he looks like… what if I am not attracted to him physically…. What if he is not attracted to me… That would be sort of tragic, since “We are great on the phone!”. Ha ha ha. 🙂 That makes me remember a line from Sex and the city, where Carrie and mr. Berger say that they are “great in restaurants”, but don’t really have sparks in bed…
Sigh. I get so tired of myself and all this neurotic bullshit I’m doing right now. Even if I know that it’s residual fear from the narcissistic relationship… Still! I am better than this! Braver than this! I used to practice martial arts, for crying out loud. I have travelled the world alone, been robbed in Central Park in New York, made it out alive from everything, so far… So, I couldn’t handle one new date? Pfff. That’s BS. You hear that, brain? You’re not going to hinder me, today.
So, now you see what it can be like, to date someone new, after a narcissistic relationship. It is not all unicorns and rainbows. There is a paralyzing fear, too. But, like with everything else that is holding us back, we must fight it. Don’t let that fear win. Let hope and light win, and try. The best you can do is try.
I have a new outfit that makes me feel shiny, new, and beautiful. And we’re going to a restaurant I really love. And no matter what happens, I am going to have a great evening. If we end up as friends, that is alright with me. I am enough, anyway.
If I feel myself starting to fall in love, I will not hold on to that cliff edge. I will let myself fall. I will land on my feet, like I always have.