Ok, so a while back I posted this video, a 2 min love story, remember? The reason I did was because my own love story with a narcissist, had so many similarities with this story. In fact, it was uncanny. It was like watching a two minute recap of my four years with the narcissist. So today, I am going to deconstruct/analyze, my love for a narcissist. I’ll do it a bit differently: by talking about the meaning of some quotes from this video. If you haven’t watched it yet, you may want to do that, so it’s easier to follow the “analysis”. These are my personal experiences, but if you’ve also loved a narcissist, maybe, just maybe, you will recognize some of the feelings I write about here.
“There’s more to you than your worst self”. This is the hope that I held onto for the longest time. You see, as I’ve said before, it’s not “all bad, all the time”. No one would stay with a narcissist, if it were. The narcissist in my case, Hero, did show me a lot of pleasant sides of him, many times. Physically, he could be very tender, for example. He always gave me little glimpses of the good side in him. Hope is one of the strongest emotions for human beings, I believe. The hope always remained for me, that he would let his “good side” win, in the end. But, I’d say, if you are with a narcissist, this is not a good kind of hope, that you have. I like to call it “toxic hope”, cause it keeps us stuck, in an abusive relationship.
“I hate your fucking guts”. Pretty self-explanatory, perhaps. But, this is the feeling I had many, many times, with the narcissist. This was the constant feeling, underneath all my love. You see, whenever I thought things were starting to go smoothly, and I was beginning to believe that we had a real chance of making things work, then BAM! I would discover another lie, or the narcissist would disappear, or withdraw emotionally, or do any of the other 100 things, that hurt me to my core. In those moments, I knew that I saw the “real” him. And in those moments, there is no better way to describe my feelings, than this quote here.
“But I wouldn’t be here with you now, I swear it, if I didn’t know in my heart, you could change”. Again, toxic hope. Only, I didn’t know that, at the time. All the promises he made were so convincing. The regret in his face, when he had hurt me, looked more genuine than any display of feelings I’ve seen from anyone. He could have sold ice to eskimoes. Hell, he could have won an Oscar! I told him as much, in the end. This is not something I am just saying to make a comparison, I truly believe he could’ve had a great career as an actor, if he had wanted to pursue that. I was completely convinced, that he could overcome those dark sides of himself. And I understood from all that he conveyed, that it would be impossible for him to manage that, without my love. I felt it, truly, in all my soul, when he talked to me. That I was the only one who had ever really seen him, understood him, reached his heart, behind all his walls. I’ve never known something to be so true, in my entire life. Yet, it wasn’t true. It was all an act…. which is why I still struggle with my sense of reality, at times. If someone can act being in love, for four years, then what is there that is genuine and true, in this world?
“I’ve seen you change”. Oh, yes. Every time Hero managed to lure me back into the fold. Things were gonna be different this time around. And he would act like he had changed, too. For a while…. Also, since I, as a human being, have limits as to what I will put another person through, I felt many times as I went back to Hero, that “this time he must have changed”. You see, in my mind, after a person has hurt another human being so crushingly, after they’ve almost obliterated another human being, our good and innocent human nature must think: “Oh, he could never do that to me, again. No one could ever be that cruel. After all, there are limits to what a person will do to another”. Nothing could be more wrong! There are people that have absolutely no limits. The narcissist has not changed. They never change.
“As vicious and untrustworthy as you can be, there’s a goodness in you that breaks my heart”. Now, this is true aswell, for me. Hero could show such soft sides, he could practically beg me to stay. He could say “Please help me, tell me what I should do”. He could come off as so completely innocent, almost angelic, to one’s eyes. I believe, that narcissists are not evil through and through. I believe that there is a very small (tiny) part within them, that has something good in it. Something broken, but originally good and genuine. This is what I like to refer to as “The broken child”. This is their true self.
I only saw Hero’s true self a handful of times, throughout the course of four years. But those times, gave me even more (toxic) hope; there was something to fight for! There was a good, innocent boy, within this man who made me suffer. It wasn’t really his fault he had become this broken… The problem is, even if this is a true part of the narcissist, it has been so suppressed, so stunted, so denied, through all the narcissist’s life, so there is virtually no chance, of this true self/broken child, to win over the false self/the evil/the hollowness, of the adult narcissist. I believe it could be done, but it would entail so much emotional work from the narcissist. I do not believe this could be achieved without many years of therapy, for the narcissist. Even then, I am skeptical. The narcissist has built his whole life to avoid genuine emotions, therefore it is not likely he would want to face them for years, in painful but healthy therapy…
Last, but not least, you can see in this video, that there is an intense passion between these two. For me, that was an enormous draw, aswell. It’s rare for me, to have such a passion with someone. For the longest time, I thought this passion was special and unique, for him and me. I don’t believe that, anymore. Now, I believe that is simply the skill of the narcissist, to show a burning passion for a victim, as a way to draw them in, and/or to keep them around, even when all other things are falling apart in the relationship. I now know: that passion was not special for him, only for me. The truth is, I could be (and was, occasionally) replaced at any time, with any of all the other women he kept on the backburner. It is a harsh truth, but important, in understanding the complete picture. And crucial for moving on and healing.
Conclusion: All of the good things, which I loved, was an act. By an incredible actor, for sure, but nevertheless, an actor. The 1 – 2 % that was “real” about the narcissist, will never, ever win over his darkness, that takes up 98% of his soul…