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The moment of truth arrived. You will love it, I think. Especially considering how ironic it all seems. And how stupid it makes me feel. Don’t worry! Not in a “god-I’m-so-stupid-I want-to-die sort of way..   No, merely a “Sigh-Why-Couldn’t-I-Figure-That-Out-Earlier sort of way. 

Do you remember me complaining previously: There are no men on the dating sites? (Boo hoo). Well. There has been a couple of semi-interesting ones, the last couple of days! Finally!

The first one seemed to be yet another joke on me, from the ever so comic and amusing Universe… This man is the first on the dating site in 2 – 3 months that I could see myself actually going on a date with. He seemed nice, was actually quite attractive, had something of very cute and benign mischief, in his glittering eyes. Granted, he was not “perfect”. If I had my “perfect” dream partner, they would not have children from a previous relationship. And this man had a daughter already. But, the reason I have not been wanting men with children, is mainly because then it seems more likely they will not want any more children. And that would not be good for me at all. I have to be pragmatic about that, at my age. I simply can not “afford” to waste time dating a man who doesn’t want children/ more children.

But. This man said he was from a large family, and clearly stated that he wanted at least two more children. Perfect, right! We chatted a bit and it went smoothly.

But. He lives on the other side of the country. So basically, I can’t see that ever working. There was the universe’s joke on me. First interesting man, and he lives so far away. What was the joke, you may ask? I’ll tell. Do you remember in one of my most recent posts, that I joked “Do I have to move abroad, to find an interesting man“? And then this man comes along, who is interesting, but might just aswell live abroad, cause he lives so far away…

Man no. 2, then. Yes, there was one more semi-interesting man! He lives in the outskirts of my city. (Phew!) He has two children. I do not know if he wants more children, but he said something like “Oh, how sweet, nice!”, as a reply to me saying that I would like to have a family of my own some day… so..   Anyway. I do not believe this is my dream partner, not in any way. But, he seems nice enough, and is rather attractive, too. And, if you remember my last dating post, I said as much, that I don’t “demand” from the universe that it throws my dream partner into my lap, right this second. I wrote that it would be enough right now with a mr. “Good Enough”. Cause the truth is, I need to practice dating for a bit. I need to be comfortable around a man again, tweak my balance between trust and caution… And above all, I just need to be close to someone again, after what feels like a long time alone… I need to feel some spark, some intimacy and physical closeness to someone. I am not afraid to admit that. We are after all physical and social creatures…

Here is where the irony and me feeling a bit stupid, comes in. So, the Universe served up this man. A very reasonable candidate to be “Mr. Right, Now”. But I am the one who hesitates. He has asked to meet me and I freeze and panic! I haven’t replied to him yet, but I will have to. I am afraid it will be a no. Or, perhaps I will meet him, but I will arrange for it to not happen for 1 or 2 more weeks, so that I have time to prepare. I know that sounds silly, but any new person that becomes “real” to me, is such a big thing. The narcissistic relationship left my self-confidence all but shredded. So a date in reality is a big thing for me. I need to be prepared, like, to a degree that other people would find silly.

Thanks, Universe. Not in a sarcastic way, this time. The first one was a joke on me, and it was a good one. With a bitter aftertaste. The second one here, you showed me that I am perhaps not as ready as I thought I was, as I so boldly declared myself to be. I thank you for showing me that. I should have known, though! I do feel a bit silly for not understanding this better, myself. In The moment of truth, when you showed me this possibility, you also showed me that it is I who start backing out, becoming frightened. It is not “only” the shortage of men. It is something in me, too. This is good knowledge to have, moving forward.

I will get back to you on any potential “developments”, Dear readers.

Love/SurvivedNarc

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Me and the universe – friends again – for now

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