Warning: profanity and long rant. I’ve had some exchanges with Hero (narcissist ex), the last couple of days. How the hell did that happen? Am I a total hypocrite, preaching No Contact, and then dipping in Narc contact, myself? Perhaps I am. I still recommend No Contact with narcissists in your life. I never claimed to be perfect myself though. To make a long story short about the background of these exchanges: A while back, I was stupid enough to contact Hero. I don’t know what I was thinking. (I wasn’t). Trauma bonds/the freaking brainwashing for years, yes! But ultimately, I made the choice to be so “weak” as to make contact. The reason? Well, same old. I got this unrelenting feeling of missing him, of wanting to “go see”, if it was really “that bad”. (A wink to Megan, I know at least you will understand “go see”, if anyone will…). Perhaps I imagined all the past subtle abuse, perhaps he really did care about me, perhaps I did have unreasonable demands. Perhaps..perhaps…. ‹insert delusion of your choice here›.
When I contacted Hero, he didn’t reply. Of course. He only gets in touch, well, when he needs something from me. At all other times, I’m just… inconvenient. That’s how it’s always been. He doesn’t need to tell me, it just shows in his actions. I had used a phone where your number is hidden. I left voicemail saying I’d try again at a later (specified) time; he didn’t pick up then, either.
Anyway. I thought: alright, I’m going to forget I ever humiliated myself by contacting him again. I’m moving on. I’ve come so far. (Oh, the delusions we tell ourselves, aren’t they the most wonderful creations of fantasy?)
Fast forward to a couple days ago. Suddenly I get a message on my work phone, and somehow I’ve completely forgotten that he has this number. His message is a simple, stupid “Are you there?”. I reply, and a long (even more stupid) conversation follows, all through texting. It went on a whole evening. If you’re ever curious as to why that is, I’ll say briefly: it’s to do with the crazymaking circular conversations. Narcissists are experts at pulling you into that maze, without you ever realizing it happening (another reason for No Contact!).
It was absolutely impossible for me to get my point across. Hero was riling me up, by making statements such as, when asked why he contacted me: “Well, you contacted me, before”. Such a crock! If so, he’d have contacted me back then, not now! When asked what he wanted, he replied: “Well, I miss some stuff about us”. I said I had previously explained, that every time he contacts me without talking seriously about us and all the past hurt… it hurts me even more! To that, he simply replied: “I never want to hurt you, I just want you to be happy”. (Then why the fuck are you contacting me, looking for an ego boost and nothing else??)
The more cold I got in my texts, the more the tried to get under my skin by mentioning old times. How he missed “so much” about us and yada, yada. I simply had to reply that I had no feelings left for him at all. That he had killed every last emotion I ever had for him. (Not true, but I wanted to HURT him! Damn it, he has hurt me several hundred times, can’t he ever hurt, just ONCE?)
So, after that, can you guess what ensued? Oh, yeah! The pity ploy!
“You don’t have to write mean things like that. I don’t do that. I only ever write nice things to you”. Me: “Oh yeah? What about how you treated me, the last four years?” Hero: “Well.. (yada yada, excuses, excuses, I was afraid/you were acting out so much and so on”). The bottom line was that all the abuse and him toying with me, was my fault….. Me: “Excuse me, but do you have any concept at all about what you put me through? Can you comprehend that it’s a bloody miracle I am alive today, after all that shit? Can you really blame me, for almost having a breakdown after four years of torture? ” (Note: I say that, knowing that one of his ex girlfriends tried to kill herself, and another ex of his wrote long letters that I accidentally saw; letters full of despair about how he had treated her, so that she had become depressed). ….. Him: “I know I’m not an easy person to be around either. I’m sorry about that!”.
(What the fuck? You just said it was my fault, now you make some sort of U-turn?) Naturally, he didn’t follow up with saying anything about what he would do to make himself “easy to be around”. He did say he wished I was there with him though….
I finally ended the crazymaking text conversation from hell, by saying that I truly never wished any more contact and asked him to please leave me alone.
I lied, yes I lied, despite never lying, I did so, to escape all this shit; I wrote that a colleague of mine is going to take over my phone now, cause I am getting a new one.
I was done. I was SO done. I mean, like, if you would have gone for a hike around the Equator to the same point again, and felt like never walking again. That is how DONE I was. Angry as hell that he managed to pull me into the circular conversations again. But, all good.—-
— After a day, he texted my work phone again! “It’s such a shame you’re not here right now”.
That’s when I lost it! What the hell is wrong with this person? Why can’t he ever the fuck just accept any kind of boundaries? Why can he not ever care about me enough, to just back off, when I ask for it? Why must he always, always, come back? Will I ever be free of this torture? I can’t begin to tell you how extremely lonely and vulnerable I felt in the moment of getting this second attempt at contact from him.
I saw the text in the morning, still reeling from the madness of the circular conversation from a day earlier. And yes, I lost it! All the old feelings of love bubbled up, but now mixed with such intense hatred and despair, that it was almost scary, the force of it. I wanted to scream at him, shake him, slap him, make him become a human being with a conscience, with caring, with empathy!
I feel like he is a person who would run a wounded animal over and not even get out to look how it is, he would simply just hit reverse and run it over again!
So, after he made this new attempt by text, I “lost it”, and called him. I demanded to know what the hell his “reasons” were, for contacting me this time. He had no legitimate reason, except “missing me”. I asked what the hell he was thinking, after I explicitly told him to not contact me? I asked if he had anything serious to say, since he had persisted in contacting me, despite my explicit wish?
“You know I am so bad in these situations, I can not answer these types of questions… I’m at work.. ”
I lost it again. I didn’t scream, but I raised my voice, and it broke, cause I couldn’t stop myself from beginning to cry. I told him how meaningless all this was, how much I hated that he would deliberately hurt me in this way, even when he had other women he could contact, instead of torturing me. How unfathomable it was to me, how, after four years of torture, he would still not hesitate to torture me further, only to get an ego stroke that would last him a day, or so!
I simply couldn’t talk to him anymore, so I asked him: DO YOU understand that you’re NOT to contact me, ever again? He was silent, so I had to repeat. Then he said yes, in a quiet way. And I hung up. And cried. Like I hadn’t done in months. I don’t even know why. He is still the same guy, no surprise?
I think it’s the cruelty of it all, that he knows how much it will hurt me to re-open my wounds, when he contacts me simply to toy with me, get some “attention”. But he does it anyway. That never ceases to hurt me, ever. How a person can be so deliberately cruel! I can never understand that, in a million years. Even if he is a narcissist, he has a damn obligation to be a human being. But he can’t! He just can’t.
I know to an outsider who hasn’t known narcissistic abuse, I would seem insane, in this story. How can she break down like that, from some text messages? It’s not the text messages per se. It’s the cruelty. If this was physical abuse: That he is willing to pick the scabs off the previous wounds he inflicted on me with guns and knives. That’s how it feels. And it’s the worst feeling ever. To know that there’s NO empathy in him, for me, whatsoever. That he’ll do anything, to get his “fix”. Anything at all.