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Seeing myself and everything clearly, I promise!

…but give me a chance to explain. I know I am going to sound like a narcissist caught cheating with someone, naked in a bed, exclaiming: “This is not what it looks like!”. The difference from that and from me, is, well, with me, it’s true. This looks like something, but it is something else entirely. I will explain. 

I felt so bad after the last interaction with Hero, it sort of felt like a rash all over, from ending things like that, crying and basically hanging up on him. No dignity. That is not me, that is not worthy. It is not how I like the story to end. Being a sort of “writer” may play into this? It has to be the perfect ending, where I come out as a winner. Or, if as a loser, at least one who got to end things in their own preferred way. So I called Hero up, later yesterday. He didn’t pick up. I thought it was going to be the same old “ignore-not-pick-up”, but it wasn’t. Later, I got a message from Hero. It simply said: “I am at work, can you come tomorrow?”. He does work in a line of work where it is sometimes hard to pick up the phone at once. So this time, it wasn’t ignoring me, since he got back to me a bit later.

After much consideration, I have decided to go see him, later tonight. Call it madness, and I would agree. But, trust me when I say that I have examined the situation from every possible angle. And found that I am safe, to go see him. I’ll explain why. But first I’ll explain why I am seeing him at all. I feel that after all this time has passed, and after all the time I spent in the relationship, I need closure. I haven’t been able to give it to myself, even after trying for a very long time. And I don’t expect to get it in the way that you might think. Not in the way that he will give me any closure, but that I will get/take it, from saying certain things to him. Leave them there, with him, if you will. I imagine it shall feel like I am bringing a very heavy bag over there, dumping it on his floor, and saying: “This is yours now, to deal with. I won’t hang on to this anymore“.

Another reason is, that I want to see how he explains himself, in person. I want to watch him squirm, if you will, like a little maggot on a fish hook, trying to explain why he has been contacting me, when he shouldn’t have. This sounds cruel of me, perhaps it is. But I know, and he knows, he won’t have any “real” justification, for contacting me. And so I need to see his face, when I tell him that he is a cruel person. If there is anything that gets to him, it’s that. He hates to be perceived as such. You see, he has an obsession, with his nice guy image.

What is the ultimate goal for me, in doing this, then? Just to see him squirm? Of course not. Then I wouldn’t bother. I’ve never been one for revenge. No, no. The ultimate goal (except closure), is to get him to truly leave me alone, forever. If I don’t do something, it will Simply.Never.Stop. So, before I decided to go see him, I figured out some questions to myself, that I have answered, to make me see if I am safe to go there, or not. (By “safe”, I mean emotionally safe: to not feel like it would bring me even more harm. Hero would never physically hurt me, just FYI). The questions to myself were:

  1. Am I in danger of falling in love with him again? Ultimately, is that a risk that could lead to me finding myself lured back into a relationship? – While some part of me will always love him, our passion, and his broken inner child…I will not “fall in love”, now. I have no illusions about who he is. And would never agree to a relationship with a narcissist/suspected narcissist who is not in therapy and completely transparent to me about their therapy, ie lets me have contact with the therapist, etc. That is a rule I made a long time ago, and I am firm in sticking to that. 
  2. Won’t I even fall back in love if something physical happens? No, I feel confident that at this point, that won’t do anything to affect my emotions. The last few times I saw him, our physical contact didn’t affect my feelings.
  3. How will I feel, if he can’t “give” me closure by anything he says? Like mentioned above, I will get the closure I need, by dumping stuff at his feet, not expecting to “get” something from him. 
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Nope, not even the “True Blood” sort of passion, that I told you about earlier, can get me, this time! 

There were a few more questions, but those were the major ones. Now, I had to plan what to say to him, too. To make him understand how there will be very unpleasant consequences for him in the future, if he keeps tormenting me the way he has done the last 1.5 years, keeping on contacting me occasionally.

This is what I will tell him:

  1. It seems that you have trouble letting me go. Therefore, I will now explain what you can and can not expect from me, in the future. I will agree to be your friend, the day that you contact me to tell me that you reached “rock bottom”; realized your issues and started therapy. Before that day, there will be no more contact between us. Ever
  2. Your behavior, before, and certainly in the last 1.5 years, is simply unacceptable and cruel. You don’t do that to people. No excuses can justify that, and I will never accept any part of the blame for how you treated me. It was unfair and abusive to toy with me like you did. Period. 
  3. If you ignore what I’ve said in point no. 1, I will have to take action against you. Now I’d prefer not to go down that road, and I never have, so far. That is because I have had feelings for you, and I have not been wanting to be unkind towards you. That will all change, today. As I leave here, I will put only my own well-being, first. As you now know, the only way I will have contact with you ever again, is as friends, if you are in therapy. If you DO contact me, outside this boundary I’m now setting up: one, or both, of these consequences will follow for you: 1) I will contact your mother and/or other family member, and tell them all about you, and ask them to ask you not to contact me anymore. And 2) If that doesn’t help, and you keep contacting me against my wish, I will contact the police and report you for harassment/stalking. 

That’s it. You know what feels good? I feel like I am taking back power, for the first time, in a long time. I actually feel stronger than I have felt in years. I feel sort of like a circus animal, a trained elephant, who makes her little silly jumps she was taught, and has been making every night since forever. And then one day, she is suddenly sick and tired of being a slave at the circus, and wants to be free, she wants to run free on the savannah. And she knows she will do whatever it takes, to get there. So, she tears down the whole interior of the circus tent, and when the circus manager tries to get in her way when she is going to leave, she starts backing away from him. Relieved, he thinks that she has come to her senses.

But then she starts to charge forward. She is going to break free, whether he chooses to stand in the way, or not! Faced with this change: From an obedient, predictable, trained circus animal, to a fierce beast, he has no choice but to get out of the way – and let her go. That’s how I feel. I am going into this from a position of strength, compared to before, when I was always in a position of weakness, being conditioned to respond in a certain way. No more of that.

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Edit: Since it’s Easter and all, it may take me longer than usual to get back with an update and answering if someone comments. This does NOT mean I am in trouble. 🙂
Edit 2: I am SO grateful for all the support I have gotten from you, my “bloggies”! It means more to me than I can say. So: THANK you! And have a “good Good Friday”.  😉

(images, 1:zeigarnik.tumblr.com,2:askarsgard.com, 3:piccsy.com)