(A beautiful song, which has always brought me comfort!)
I have a Dangerous Drawer, that I almost never open. I have only opened it a few times the last ~year or so. What is inside that drawer, that I fear so much?
What’s inside is a symbol. A symbol of all the hopes and dreams I had with Hero, the ex narcissist. It is a symbol for our future and “all that should have been”.
It’s been like being stabbed in the heart, every time I have opened that drawer in the past year or so. During the past 1.5 years, you see, Hero has never stopped dangling that dream in front of me. In a lot of subtle, and some not so subtle, ways, he has shown me that he intends to keep me around. And that maybe, just maybe, if I only wait long enough,or behave in certain ways, I may just yet have a chance of getting all that was in our dream. What is in the drawer, is a small, silvery dagger. I think it has been buried within my heart for all this time. It is just the opening of the drawer, that makes me feel its presence again, how the sharp metal suddenly extricates itself from my heart, only to get plunged inside it again, deeper still.
It is not a real dagger. It is a ring. The simple ring made of silver, which was supposed to be my engagement ring, had he not backed out of our engagement last minute (after we’d had the rings made and engraved with our names in them)… So, I’ve never really worn it, it’s been in that drawer, gathering dust, like so many other memories, in my mind.
Why have I kept it all this time? A reasonable explanation is, I do not often throw away rings, (who does?) so I do not really know where to dispose of it. I wouldn’t want to throw it into the garbage. I have no idea why, it just feels… wrong, somehow, to do that with a ring. So, one reason, not knowing what to do with it. That is an “on the surface” – explanation though, which doesn’t really hold up, on further examination. Perhaps during all this time, there has been a small glimmer of hope… that he would change? That he would see my true worth? That he would stop all the mind games and… become real? But, I know now, that such a scenario just isn’t possible.
So, I have made a decision. I will get rid of this little symbol of love and dreams, which is to me these days only a symbol of all the pain I’ve been through. I have an upcoming trip to a location by the sea. I think I will take the ring there, and throw it out into the sea, far out. It will sink to the bottom and get buried in mud and dirt, just like all my hopes were… I like that idea. It seems….appropriate. Fitting. And just maybe, thousands of years from now, if somebody excavates that area, they will learn our names inside the ring, and wonder about our story. And perhaps they will imagine a happy love story. But, when they think about it a second time, they will realize that the area used to be the bottom of the sea. And they will probably be sad for a moment, that thousands of years ago, someone had a heart so filled with grief, that they threw this symbol of love and dreams, into the ocean.
This is how we grieve. We, who have hoped, fought, stayed, believed, despaired, and loved… given our all, to a person who turned out to be an image, a mirage. Piece by piece, we let go, of all that could have been. We let go of the glittering illusion, and see reality in all its somber shades.
I have to let go of the dream. I have to kill the dream. In reality, it was probably killed a long time ago. It is just my heart which has kept it alive, in an unnatural way, sustained it with blood red drops of hope, from within. A new, weak breath has also been blown into the dream, everytime he has returned. But it must stop. Keeping this alive, could eventually kill all that is me. So, I choose to kill the dream, instead.