The weirdest blog post in a while… But I just need to write down these random thoughts as a journal entry. It will be a bit long, since I haven’t really written anything in a week or so.
A Scandal: Yes. It wouldn’t make the tabloids. Well, it would, if I were a celebrity…
Alright, I’ll just tell it like it happened. No muss, no fuss(?). This was on the recent trip. I’d had some wine, so was a bit
tipsy drunk, and met this man in a bar. I asked for a cigarette (Yes, I smoke a few times a year). He gave me one and invited me to have a drink. He’d had a few already. They had tables outside, so we sat down there and talked. I’ll just call him “K. from UK”. He wasn’t ugly and he wasn’t good-looking. He wasn’t the most brilliant man or the funniest. He was just sort of…there, making conversation. Which seemed good enough for me, at the time.
He’d had his heart broken, so have I. We talked about that a bit. I (very) briefly mentioned the narcissist ex…. K. sounded appalled upon hearing about it, he couldn’t believe his ears. (And I only told him 1% of the story). For some reason, his being appalled, made him somewhat more attractive in my eyes. (Remember that I’m absolutely starved at this point, when it comes to flirting/sex/love….).
Anyway, long story short, we went to his hotel room. It was clear what he wanted to do. I just wasn’t feeling that into it. So we ended up just making out for a bit. K. had obviously had too much to drink, cause he sort of passed out after a little while. So I made my way back to the place where I was staying. End of story. No numbers exchanged. Just a random thing. In my mind quite scandalous. But that may be because I’m not usually hooking up with men, or even going on dates. So following an unknown man to his hotel room, even without sex, was a scandal, for being me… (Yes, roll your eyes or judge me now, depending on your own moral values, haha).
(No, it wasn’t like this, but this is what I need… any time you got a minute to spare, Universe, you can throw some of this my way…)
Minus side of the scandal: Oh lord, this really shows me how lonely I’ve been, that I seem to need closeness to this degree!! I read a fellow blogger the other day, who talked about this dilemma; wanting sex so badly when being single, that your own judgement/ability to make good decisions, starts slipping a bit…(hello Madeline, if you’re reading this 😉 ). For me, I think it is the sex part too, but just as much (if not more), just the need to cuddle with someone. That someone wraps you in their arms and says that everything is going to be alright….
Plus side of the scandal: Yay! I obviously no longer feel so extremely tied to the narcissist ex, that I can’t do anything at all, with another man. For the last year and a half, when I’ve been in sporadic contact with Narc, I’ve been feeling very guilty when in contact with other men. Like I have to stay “faithful”, even though Narc and I aren’t in a relationship, (and even though he is certainly playing the field!) That has been all kinds of fucked up! So I’m glad I’m starting to move away from that unhealthy (one-sided) “faithfulness”.
A tomb: Oddly enough, I didn’t remember what it felt like: coming home from a trip, when being single. Especially after you’ve been on a trip with someone else, who you socialize with for the better part of the days… It’s really quiet here at home! In some ways, like a tomb. Silent, empty, lonely…. Sounds like a tomb, doesn’t it? That made all sorts of weird associations pop up in my head: Am I just waiting? Waiting for old age, and eventually, death? Will it be like this forever, me alone, in this apartment? (There is a poem in there somewhere, I know it!).
I’m glad to say that this feeling hasn’t covered me completely, like a blanket. No, it’s more like…. a flying creature, this thought. A sad bird, or a butterfly, fluttering its wings, flying in and out of my head. It gets easier when I do little things: some work on my computer, read/write blogs, cuddle with my cat, try to think about the future and what I should do to change my current situation… Oh, re-watching Game of Thrones all the way from the first episode doesn’t hurt, either! I’m glad I’m able to do all these little things to pull myself out of the “tomb”…
A pen-pal: Remember the guy from the other side of the country? (From the dating site). Perhaps not. Anyway, there was this guy, who “wanted a large family”, but he lived on the other side of the country, which made it hard for us to even meet. Well, for some unknown reason, we have kept on writing each other little messages. For about a month. He seems “nice”. Kinda cute. Even has a hot body (ha ha! See what I mean, about the need for you-know-what!) He’s hinted that he wants me to come visit him… Uuurgh. I can’t even go there in my thoughts, imagining how extremely complicated my life would become, if I actually went to see him, AND fell for him…. So, he is stuck being a pen-pal, for now.
Take care out there! Love/ SurvivedNarc 💜