I’m filled with gratitude when I think of all this blog has given me. The opportunity to do what I love – write! Write about my feelings as a way to try and heal very deep wounds that were inflicted on me. Writing is my bandage, my salve, my own healing shamanism! But the blog is so much more than that. It’s given me the opportunity to meet some truly wonderful people, other bloggers, who have given me such invaluable support throughout these six months.
My first post ever was Road to Recovery. And what a strange, winding road it has been!
Today I have to document where I’m at in the process of healing. After all, that was the main reason I started this blog. To heal from a narcissistic relationship. I will say I haven’t come nearly as far as I had hoped. There is still tons of… “baggage”. Me documenting this summary, may be a bit of a long read, sorry about that. But, I must do this, as I want to compare this in 6 months from now!
I guess the length of the healing process is different for everyone and also depends on other circumstances in one’s life. I can see that for me personally, some factors have added tremendously to the difficulties in healing. Had these factors been different/nonexistent, it would have made my healing about 1000% easier: – if I hadn’t lost my best friend to cancer a couple years ago, and – if I ‘d been a lot younger, and not already had quite so many heartaches + deaths of loved ones (within a relatively short time span)….
– had I been younger, and therefore not facing the now incredibly high risk of running out of time to have children of my own… which is a pain I believe is hard to imagine, for people who haven’t been through it….
(Rant within post: It still haunts me, that the narcissist promised me for three years that we were going to have children eventually, but that that was all a lie. Plus one year extra wasted on his mind games, after that. All those years wasted because of his lie/lies, I now know, they may very well have been my last fertile years….! I still can never fathom how he can possess that level of cruelty, or ever forgive him for that lie. That’s no short-term heartache, that’s the remaining 30-40 years of my life he influenced, with that lie! That will be another post/posts).
So, yes, if a lot of these factors had been different, my healing could likely have been “faster”. But, things are as they are. As for where I’m at in the healing process, it’s still uncertain… But I’ll try to describe it as well as I can.
I have learned one very hard truth. It’s that some good things within me are lost, perhaps forever, after the narcissistic relationship. It remains to be seen how much of these things I can recover with time. Suddenly, this blog turned sad, which wasn’t supposed to happen! But I guess I needed to write about it so, there it is. But, this is a blogiversary after all! So I’ll get back to that sad topic another time. Now I’ll focus on the positive here, and describe my progress! (I guess 6 months ago, 100% of this blog post would have been sad, now it’s like 50/50 between sad/bad vs. healing/good stuff. So that’s quite good, if I put it into that perspective!)
The number one thing of progress is: I no longer hold any “toxic hope” (so common for targets of narcissists). Toxic hope = false hope that the narcissist will change and stop their abusive ways/mind games. I’ve gradually reached the insight: this will never stop with the narcissist. It’s also sunk in to the core of my being, that because of this, I must stay away.
Up until around New Years’, I think I still nursed fragments of toxic hope. In the last 3 months though, my resolve to free myself has become very firm. Cement-firm! It’s also become somewhat easier to uphold “No Contact”. And I now believe with all my heart that No Contact is the only way we, targets of narcissists, can ever hope to heal. A continued, ongoing contact with a narcissist will lead to more pain for us. Everything I’ve mentioned in this paragraph, I see as great signs of healing and progress. Something healthy inside wants to protect my heart and soul. I’m glad I’m letting that rule me, ensuring I stay away from the narc.
Another sign of healing, is my small attempts at dating ( dating site). It hasn’t been successful, but I have hope for the future. Yet another small sign of healing, is that my blog has taken on a life of its own, without me making any conscious decisions. One day I suddenly started to post about other things than narcissism. Now I write other stories, poems, photo blogs, etc. For me, this means I’m no longer quite as “obsessed” with the narc/narcissism, as I was in the beginning. I’ve started to see some beauty in life again, and want to share that. So much about the narcissistic relationship was so ugly. Perhaps that’s why I’m searching for beauty so often now, in words and images. I need it. My mind can wander, and not stay constantly stuck with thoughts of the narc. That is a relief.
There will still be a need for me to post about the narc ex, narcissism, and the lingering grief. But I guess I’ll mix it up even more with other writing and images.
I hope to continue seeing you next to me, all my fellow “bloggies”, old friends aswell as new, on this Road to Recovery!
Love / SurvivedNarc 💋