…“You have nine missed calls from (Hero’s number)”, the last one was at (some time around 6 PM today)”. WTF??
Frankly, I’ve been exhausted after being contacted by Hero (narc ex) again. I woke up around midnight here, after sleeping 4 hours straight. I turned on my work cel phone, and was surprised to see one of those automated texts (from the phone carrier), about all these missed calls from Hero.
I’d turned off my work phone in the afternoon yesterday (Friday). So, if this cel phone company’s message service is correct, Hero has tried to call me nine times in 24 hours? It does seem that way, doesn’t it…
Why would he try to call me so many times? Now, that text yesterday to my private phone was weird enough, after 3 weeks of silence, but this? This is truly and royally fucking with my head! Let me clarify: Hero never calls me. Ever. I can count the times on my two hands that he has ever called me. He only uses texts, or letters.
There is no reason for him to call me this many times in 24 hours, except… really scary reasons, like: 1) He’s dying somewhere. 2) He’s truly desperate to get in touch, for whatever reason(?), or: 3) He’s being really weird, and is simply listening to my recorded voice, on my voice mail?? (I mean, he must have understood at some point after the first 3-4 calls, that I wouldn’t pick up, right?)…. He hasn’t left any message on VM.
I am just… tired. This truly is a bullet, right though my heart. What the fuck does he want, this time? I’ve included in this post some things that I find inspire me, at a time like this. A couple of images, and also a couple of songs. Below the songs I’ve written short excerpts of the lyrics that represent the essence of my feelings right now….
I’m surprised at my own strength, to be honest. I’m completely and utterly drained, but still. I haven’t called back. Haven’t texted. (I even had the presence of mind to text my brother right after my last post, to ask him if he could look if he had some old I-phone I can use, to get the blocking apps for my private number. My brother said he’d check).
How am I able to withstand this? When I am so wiped out from it, emotionally… I have no idea. I just…resist. But, I’m SO tired. Like… the kind of tired that I’ve never felt before, like…it’s even seeped down into your bones, you know?
Perhaps I’m in some kind of shock. I feel some tears burning somewhere, far behind my eyelids. They will probably come rolling later on. Wow. He must really mean to crush me, this time. He ain’t taking no prisoners. But. I will get through this. I will get through this, too.
A couple of truly amazing “pop-gone-hard-rock” songs that I draw strength from when I am really sad, but the sadness rather originates from anger, and I need to cling to that anger instead:
I especially like this part of the lyrics: “Try to find out, what makes you tick, as I lie down, sore and sick, do you like that? Do you like that?…. There’s a fine line, between love and hate….”
- In this one I especially like this part of the lyrics, cause I like to imagine Hero feeling regrets (no worries, I know he probably doesn’t, but I like to imagine that he would be feeling this way, if he had any normal feelings): “Lessons learned, and bridges burned to the ground, and it’s too late now to put out the fire. Tables turned, I’m the one who’s burning now… Well I’m doing alright ’til I close my eyes, and then I see your face, and it’s no surprise; just like that, I’m crawling back to you, just like you said I would…..”.