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I told you he meant war. And unfortunately, it seems I was right. I’m now seeing him lining up his forces.. archers, foot soldiers, so far…. I sit in a mighty stronghold with massive stone walls, so I think myself safe… But I still tremble at the thoughts of what he will do when I won’t yield after his latest attacks. I fear the cavalry and the siege engines he will bring forth, when nothing else is working, in bringing me to my knees…

(This is an extra update, will still publish the promised poem too, in a little while. But I needed to write this post now, to get all this out, lest my heart be torn to shreds…)

I think he means to break me down completely, this time. He will probably not stop until he sees me on the floor, in tears, in front of him. What would make him stop, I wonder? Where are his limits, as to how much he will hurt me, until he is content, until he finally says to himself: “Enough is enough. I will not hurt this person any more. I am afraid her psyche will break down completely”. I guess he has no limit.... the torture must simply continue forever, in his mind…

There is an illusion built-in with this torture: That if I just hold on, there will be true love, as the final reward for me. He has dangled that in front of my face so many times during these years, that it eventually became silently implied in every touch, every contact. I lost count of the times I’ve seen him look down at the floor, seemingly tortured…and said these words to me: “But I want us to be together…it’s you that I see myself with, in the end. There is only ever you and me together in the end, in my mind”….

And if I ask him, why then, does he continue to reach out, only to use me for sex and an ego stroke, knowing that he rips my wounds right open, (stitches and all), and that he’s cutting all the ropes that are holding my sanity together…..  he will just shrug and say some old, tired cliché. That he “doesn’t know” why he has to contact me, he just “misses” me. And then he will vanish again…. The despair I’ve felt at those times, when he has vanished again, I do not wish upon any person in this world…

Whatever is so special with me, compared to all the other girls he is currently dating, I’ll never know. Perhaps simply the fact that I stuck around through all the torture. I am apparently quite resilient, and will be broken, but not completely broken down, when it comes to torture. I know another victim of his became suicidal, and yet another one became sort of like a crying heap on the ground, who kept writing him letters, begging for him to come back and so on…..no pride, no self-respect, nothing. She just became this….  wraith, this…shell. I feel so sorry for her now, knowing what I know.

I guess I just became the exact “right” level of broken, so that it could still be amusing, to him. So, I understand how indispensable I must be to him. Of course I understand… Just keep on, Hero, by all means, with your torturous messages. Keep attacking my heart, until you obliterate it and there is nothing left… How selfish of me, to want to keep a little bit of my heart and soul for myself, to be able to feel some joy and love again, some day….

Yes, Hero has sent 2 more messages. One on Thursday, which wasn’t delivered until late last night. And a follow-up message, sent last night. Thursday: “How does it feel for you now? After it’s been a whole month? For me, this is really really hard.  🙁   “. And yesterday: “Are you there?”. (Why does he keep track of the fact that it’s been exactly a month? He doesn’t care one iota about me, but he knows down to the day, how many days and weeks we have been out of touch?! So weird).

I talked to my mother just now, might borrow her phone for a month or so, until I can afford to buy a new private phone. He will still have my work phone number, but hopefully just for another month, until I’ll likely switch offices, then I’ll have a new work phone, too…

To other people, I guess these messages would seem easy to ignore and shrug off as nothing. To me, after four years of torture already, these messages are arrows piercing my heart….

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