The other day I told you about The Birth of A Dragon, in a poem of mine. Fire engulfed everything, eventually: me, him, and all of our love. Or, should I say my love. There was never any love from his side. Only a wish to kill my spirit, completely. Recently, I have found myself thinking that: he has done it, he has succeeded. There’s been some more events, which have made me feel in some moments, that I’ve hit the infamous “rock bottom”. I won’t go into that now, but I just wanted to offer a bit of context for this post.
The good thing is, from rock bottom, you have only one way to go, really, upwards… So, that is what I will attempt, again. Climbing, struggling, short of breath, but never giving up. Another good thing is, my new phone with blocking apps will arrive any day now. They have charged my bank account for the delivery, so it should arrive any day this coming week. It can seem odd, that such a little thing can provide relief, yet for me, I think it will help immensely.
I promised to tell you one day, about all that was lost within me, after the narcissist. Some things that perhaps can be rebuilt, others which I’ve no idea if I can ever recover. I fear some things may be lost forever.
This list is borrowed from another blogger (PhoenixRising). I read this a long time ago, but was never able to forget it. It hit me right in the heart and filled my eyes with tears. That blogger apparently also struggled, years after a narcissist, to recover these aspects, traits and feelings which were lost. It’s as if I could have written this myself!
I think listed like this, it really shows how broken a person can truly become, after being with a narcissist for any extended period of time. After years with a narcissist, they have had so much time to subtly ruin and destroy so many parts of you… The impact of the psychological abuse that happens over time, is often underestimated. That is yet another reason why I keep on with the blogging about narcissism. I think a lot of people greatly underestimate the very real damage that could be done to their psyches and souls, if they stay with a narcissist/suspected narcissist. It’s just not worth the risk.
What I Lost
Faith in Life
Sense of Direction
Hope for the Future
Belief in Love
Belief in my worthiness
Belief in my dreams
Faith in my Intuition
Faith in myself
Ability to Trust Intimately
Sense of Worth
Sense of Personal Power
Belief that I was special
Belief in my Sexuality
Faith in following my heart
Peace of Mind.
Belief in soul mates
The magical feeling that my life had come full circle
Belief in sexual partnership/sexual union between two people as being meaningful
Sense of self
Feelings of magic and wonder in the world
Sense of having my feet solidly on the ground
Faith in myself to make the right decisions
Wow. This turned out to be a heavy and dark post, again… Sorry about this. I will hope for lighter and more joyful posts coming soon again. (I did post some pretty nice photos earlier this morning though, so feel free to look at those, here: Archipelago Photos Part 2 if you haven’t already. They’re full of beauty and serenity, not darkness, well in my eyes at least). 🙂
I do feel better, lighter, now that I’ve cleansed all these sad thoughts for today. Take care of yourselves out there! Thanks for reading and for all your wonderful comments. Love/Survived