“There is no point in trying to get you to change your mind, if you set your mind to something”. That is what my mother always told me, when I was growing up. She meant I defied anyone who tried to put me down, or put me in my place, or even decide things for me. I would never take that – from anyone, not even her. I would defy her on numerous occasions. I’m sure it drove her absolutely mad. I must have been the most stubborn child anyone had ever seen, in my little corner of the world, at any rate.
Sometimes I am just so surprised by this diamond-hard part somewhere within – you know, the one that makes you stand your ground? And which also makes you not give up, no matter how hard things become. The very thing inside you that in times of crisis, keeps you getting up in the morning, going to work, paying bills, and so on, even though if you dared to take a look around you…. you’d see your life and heart shattered into shards so small they’re barely visible to your eyes.
I wonder about that. I truly wonder what it is that makes us not give up, even in the most difficult of circumstances. I do not believe that I am that “special”. I am not thinking about only myself – but of people who lose their whole family in an accident, and are left completely alone in the world. Or people who are wrongfully imprisoned for a lifetime. Or people who are abused in different ways and refuse to lay down and die afterwards, but keep struggling, fighting, to see a better day ahead. Even if it takes years.
And then there are those who can not go on, who can not find that light anymore. My heart cries everytime I think of people like that. It always ends with me thinking: “If only someone could have saved them, been their temporary light and hope”. As hard as things have become, I have never come to the conclusion that I must give up. As I said, I do not believe that makes me special in any way – it just means that I had more of that thing inside of me; whatever it is that makes people go on. Or it means that I had an easier time finding that light again, for some reason. Others were not so lucky. For them, too much darkness descended over that light, like an eternal fog. Why, I’ll never know. That is for the universe to deal with – that it broke some people completely. I can not figure out the meaning or purpose of that, but I sure hope the universe has good reasons for it. Perhaps we really do live a hundred lifetimes, and it will take us many lifetimes to learn of this “purpose”… who knows. Until then, until I learn the purpose, I will still think it unfair.
Even if it is not of my own making, or even choice – even if it’s just plain old dumb luck – or part of some cosmic plan for Karma…. I am still in awe of that “diamond” inside me – the one that is unbreakable. If I get brought to the lowest point ever, that diamond starts glowing inside, forces me to think: “No, you are NOT giving up. You are going to keep fighting, you are going to see better days”. And suddenly I feel defiant. Like someone poured a secret old and mysterious potion of strength into my cup and it suddenly flows through my veins, giving new strength to my heart and limbs. I feel I want to live, I want to survive. Not only that – I want to be happy again. In some moments I’m thinking maybe part of that diamond is there because of, and in fact made of, defiance. That stubborn little girl lives on somewhere in there.
I will live and rebuild myself – out of spite? That thought makes me smile. Maybe my mother was right.