I’ll provoke “the hell” out of some people with this post. Perhaps. Not so sure about that. “WordPress people” seem to be pretty tolerant about differing views… Anyway, today I got a “revelation”. It’s been a long time coming, truly… But I want to tell you, that in my country, we have a saying:
“The drop that makes the cup overflow (spill)”, in English I suppose the closest thing would be “the straw that broke the camel’s back”. It’s not really accurate, as it sounds like something being provoked, when it’s not. It’s just… a conclusion I’ve come to, in my life this far.
I’ve told you about quite many sorrows and losses, throughout my blog, so I don’t need to repeat that in detail. There’s even more where that came from, that I haven’t told you about… But, I believe, at some point, everyone simply makes their own assessment of the world, and their beliefs. I can say that up until recently, I’ve tried my very best to keep my faith – that is, the faith in a “god”, or a benevolent power, if you will. But the truth is, that in the extreme personal losses and grief of the last five years or so, combined with quite many hardships in childhood…. and, in addition to that, in my work, seeing so many children being abused in horrific ways….
Eventually, I’ve come to the conclusion that, I’m “moving” from being “agnostic/doubting/a seeker”, to being an atheist. If I shock you, reader “of faith”, hey, remember; we here in Europe are quite “noir”/dark, to begin with!
That is not to say I’ll be an atheist forever.
But just that, right now, I do not any longer have faith in any sort of powers from above..
I’m actually grateful to my friend, L. whose post just recently only served to remind me, why I’ve abandoned my faith in “God” in the last few years. Or, should I say rather, God/He/She/it has abandoned me. By the words of my blogging friend L. as in regards to countless prayers: “The answer was always gonna be no”. That sentence was like a light bulb, or a stab in the chest, if you will. It was so true that I had tears in my eyes, reading it. (Hello L, if you are reading this; sending much love to you, human to human! 😉 )
So: Now what? Am I lost? Will I be found up in the hills, performing “Pagan” ceremonies? Will I sink into complete despair, never to be found again? No. I will continue to hope and believe in the power of myself, and in other people.
That somehow, somewhere, there is a better day to be found. Perhaps not right this second, but I believe it’s out there, to be created by me, and by other people I meet.
We are pretty great, surviving everything and anything, aren’t we?