We were smoking cigarettes, like we’ve always done, you and I. A rebellious, playful cigarette once in a while. Dangerous and even lethal, but not immediately. Just like you.
You had suddenly come visiting my family. My uncle and my brother were there. You were going to buy something from my uncle. He seemed charmed by you, of course, and you laughed manly laughs while talking about something technical I didn’t understand. But my brother frowned and said it would be best if I kept you out of his sight….My brother knew some of the stories I’d told about you.
I was determined not to get close to you, still. You had been visiting for a couple of hours and several times you tried to steal secret touches. I managed to avoid them, mostly. I knew touching would melt away my resistance. And that I would pay a heavy price of regret for it later.
We had stepped outside, walking around in the square outside. At one point up in the apartment, when everyone else were in other rooms, you’d managed to sneak up behind me, and hold me. My limbs were immediately weakened. You went on to bury your face in my hair, to breathe me in. As though you had missed me so much, you had to inhale as much of me as you could. That thought was unbearable.
As we walked around in the square, suddenly, a gang standing in a corner of the square, started following us around. I got a bit scared and instinctively grabbed your hand. You pulled me closer, so that we were walking in step, with your arm around my shoulders. As if you told the curious or dangerous gang, that they’d have to deal with you, before getting to me. You being so tall, and your lean, yet strong and masculine shape, made me feel safer. We entered the apartment building again, where they couldn’t get to us. But now, we had nowhere to go, cause of my brother upstairs.
With that look of mischief and those beautiful wrinkles around your eyes, those that only come out when you smile your biggest smile, you grabbed me by the hand and started walking up the stairs. The house was several floors, but I didn’t understand what you were up to. We quickly reached the attic.
With a hesitation that made my feet unsteady, I entered the attic. It was semi-dark. Faint light poured in here and there. We could see each other, but barely. The attic was of the old type, with interior of wooden planks. It consisted of two large rooms, where people had put their old things in piles along the walls. We laughed at first: being up there, like naughty children.
I could smell you…. That scent which melts away the rest of the world and leaves only you and me left in it. That scent of man, forest, summer breeze, salty seas, innocence and lust, all wrapped into one. Your scent mixed with the smell of old wood in the attic. Your smile faded, as you looked at me, worried, searched my eyes. I lowered my gaze; my resistance was all but wiped out.
You stepped closer, slowly, as though you were approaching a deer you didn’t want to frighten. I stood still, my body frozen. You leaned in to kiss me and there was nothing I could do. It was pointless. I had tried thousands of times to resist, but failed. In this moment it hit me; I’ll never be able to resist you, when I see you in person.
You caressed me all over and I leaned back against a table which stood by the wall….
We sank down onto the floor, like hungry wolves starving for months; we devoured each other. Your skin was burning hot. All I knew was, I had never felt such relief as when you held onto me in that moment, so desperately; a drowning man. You almost couldn’t get the words out, when you whispered: “I’ve missed you so”! After that it was all tasting; skin and lips, soft touches and then rougher, I think I clawed your back, at one point…. Explosions of stars in the dark, whispers of love.
Darkness and your skin erased all my grief. Nothing existed or mattered, outside.
Afterwards we stood and arranged our clothes. You pulled me into your arms again, and I was once more surprised at how tall you are. I can stand in your embrace, and my head will fit exactly just beneath your chin, with no need to adjust, at all. We have both laughed about that so many times, that the fit is so very exact, like two pieces of a puzzle.
Standing like that, you pressed your lips against my hair. I sighed, took a step back and looked at you, old fears written across my face. You had that little wrinkle between your eyes, the one you get when you’re troubled. Your eyes looked like they were about to be filled with tears, although we both know, they can not. Then you said you hadn’t been able to reach me, and you’d tried so many ways to do so. I opened my mouth to say something, when suddenly some people came into the attic to collect their things….
(Like people do..? Collect things in one’s attic, at random….)
You exchanged pleasantries, and they smiled and understood what had been going on.
I worried that our moment would be gone, so I took your hand and held onto it, while you spoke to the couple. You let your fingers slide over mine, and then you squeezed my hand back gently but with a firm grip. Like you weren’t going to let it go again….
– I always wake up 1 or 2 minutes before the time I’ve set my alarm to wake me. I think it’s a thing my brain does, because it finds it uncomfortable to wake up to noise. It was the same, this time. So I drifted out of sleep, felt you fading away, until I was fully awake. Then my alarm clock made its horrible noise. “No!” I whispered to myself, clinging to that dream with all I had, while it was slipping, slipping away, as my eyes filled with tears….
More than anything in this world, I wanted that dream to be real.
Save yourselves. I fear I’m a lost cause.–