So, I descended into madness last week. Something just snapped, inside my head/heart. And this text may be all over the place, as I was then. There’s no other way to deal with madness than to let it run amok among your words. A stream of consciousness writing, if you will, but no friendly little stream/creek, more Niagara falls- out of control…
It all started with TOWNSNBS (TheOneWhoseNameShallNotBeSpoken). I could see in my blocked list he just wouldn’t stop texting. I couldn’t read them, since he’s blocked. My mind walked slippery trails; what if it was an emergency? (Nothing says emergency like 5 unanswered texts in a couple days). What if he really felt remorse? It seemed so urgent. Knowing he works in a very dangerous profession, I got worried.
Then a landslide tumbled down and buried my mind, walking those slippery trails.
And the landslide tossed me like a rag doll down into the roaring river which apparently ends with Niagara falls. Yes, I was swept away; mad as a f*cking hatter! So I dialled. He answered. (Wtf?! He never does!). TOWNSNBS and me, talking again. What the hell was I thinking? Oh, right, I wasn’t, cause I was crazy. I forgot.
We talked about his road trip the next day. He was going out of town, for work. Those swirls and currents drowned common sense and I suddenly agreed to join him on the trip.
Even as the madness had conquered me completely, a weak voice of reason spoke up, like a cautious, polite, elderly little lady. The voice said: Make sure he knows what’s what! So, I said:
“If I go with you, we’re gonna talk, seriously. About us. About all you’ve done, and how you could make amends, if that’s even possible. And I don’t know if you’re able/willing to do that?”…. “Um, yes. Sure, absolutely. I can do that“, said
He picked me up the next day and off we went. Suddenly something stirred in my stomach, a nervous mouse looking for a way out; sensing danger, smelling fire and smoke. We had not gone far when that mouse made me ask, if he was really prepared to talk. If he had any idea how he was going to repair all the damages, or make me trust him, at all?
He looked like he’d been caught red-handed, stealing from the cookie jar. I repeated my question, rephrased. He went quiet, mumbled something like “I just think it’s better to do things.. by hanging out, having a good time together“.
I felt like a character in a “violent” cartoon. (Tom and Jerry?) Where someone gets a frying pan held up in front of their face, while running. “Boing”! Knocked out.
I asked him to stop the car. He didn’t want to. I demanded it again, with a force I’ve rarely heard in my own voice. (Perhaps the Niagara crazy, bubbling up). He stopped and I got out on a sidewalk. We’d only been driving for a short while, but it would still take me an hour to walk home. I’d rather do that, than sit and listen to this BS about simply “starting over” and pretend like none of the old nightmares ever happened.
Abuse – Erased Only happy memories existed…
When I slammed the car door shut, I can’t even remember what I said. We couldn’t have a conversation, since he was going to be late. (Of course that meeting took priority over your one chance of fixing this, you douche bag!, I wanted to scream, but didn’t). I started walking. The sun scorching overhead.
Madness gripped me again, my mind lost its footing! I just felt so much hatred and rage within, that this sorry excuse for a human being had wasted my time yet again, had lured me out to see him, with no wish to make amends, again.
I called him up and he replied, oddly enough. He was all whining about how we could’ve had a great day driving and blah blah.
I bit my lip so hard it almost started bleeding, cause I didn’t want to scream (and make him hang up). I wanted him to hear exactly what I thought about his “Erase and rewind”-BS!
I used words exactly like something I read in an excellent Melanie T. Evans-article. On how to see if someone can be accountable, or if they are in fact, a narcissist. I followed her every advice. And I didn’t yell. (That’s the only thing about this day I’m proud of). I said:
“You have to repair damages.. There’s no ‘erase and rewind’….
…You tortured me for so long… Still, I made an exception today, being willing to listen to you, had you anything serious to say. If you think I’d just: pretend like nothing happened, start “dating you, no strings attached”, you’re sorely mistaken…
…If you’d grabbed my hand when I extended it… (that hand was my extended heart, you fool)…. you would still have had to offer something like writing contracts; (Thanks Melanie T. Evans!) where you’d agree, among other things, you’d go to therapy, immediately”.
He didn’t even have any arguments. (Hollow person).. Best he could do was: “I understand you… But…You’re making things so complicated. It gets too hard, when you talk about therapy, contracts…“
Really? “You don’t think I wanted easy? You think I wanted to be lied to, cheated on, tossed away, played with like Lego, and mind f*cked, all these years? You’re right: It’s me“.
Obviously, I couldn’t stay insane anymore. It’s quite tiring. The rest of the walk home, I spent some time hating myself for believing even for a second, that this cardboard cutout “person”, could ever be accountable, or serious.
Of course he’d want me to play along with his little Barbie and Ken fantasy, while he would keep up his twisted mind games, cheating, and whatever else his sick mind craves.
As I got home, I felt sanity returning. I re-blocked him everywhere. I held my hand over my heart; it wasn’t shattered. It was mostly anger within, that had been lit with a furious fire. But it was burning low now… I did get out of that car, when discovering his lie (that he wanted to “talk about us, seriously”).
Sure, I’d made a mistake, letting a part of me speak, which wants to see good in people. The part that always doubted he was a narcissist. The eternal: “Perhaps he’s just ‘a little damaged’, like me, like so many, after being knocked around by life too much”. But no. Now I felt it deeper than ever; it got engraved in my brain: He IS a narcissist. He will never change. Never be accountable. He’ll always lie.
Oddly enough, then came a feeling I haven’t felt often towards him: Disgust. A strong, “organic” feeling of: “I don’t ever want to see or talk to him again”. And that’s stayed with me ever since. I’m appalled by him; and it’s the greatest feeling in the world.
To feel no longing whatsoever. I’ve wanted so badly, to reach this point. And now I’m here! Because of a road trip that almost happened, I reached my destination; Killing off the last remnants of love for him. Perhaps this was meant to happen. For once, maybe I took one step backwards and landed a hundred steps forward…