*(Trigger) warning*: Some “mild” nudity/sexual depiction in video + talk about sex in this post.
“Infect me with your love, and fill me with your poison
Take me, t-t-take me
Wanna be your victim, ready for abduction
Boy, you’re an alien, your touch so foreign
It’s supernatural, extraterrestrial….”
(Katy Perry: E.T./from video)
So, what’s the deal with sex with a narcissist? So far, you’ve read my personal texts about the passion, if you’ve followed my blog. Today, we dive a little deeper into this topic, cause it’s a very important one! It helps us understand some characteristics about narcissism, and also how they get targets addicted to them to the degree that a target can seem “brainwashed”, to an outside viewer. Let’s take a look at the “What”, “Why”, “How”, etc.
What Do They Do…and How?
The video I posted here gives great clues to what it can be and feel like, in a sexual relationship with a narcissist. In fact, I can say that I recognize myself + the narcissist in all of that video. (Well, alright, the narcissist didn’t have physical vampire fangs, only “emotional ones”!)
The narcissist creates a sex life between you and them, that’s likely to be made up of the following components:
*Highly satisfying, physically (in fact, don’t be surprised if you exclaim: This is the best sex I’ve ever had!). A narcissist has perfected his tecniques for years, and is often a great, almost “otherworldly”, lover.
*A sense of a very special, unique passion. You may hear statements like: “You’re the best I’ve ever had”. “I don’t know what it is you do to me”.
*A sense of being “addicted” and needing more of those wonderful “highs” you had during your encounters. You find yourself having a very hard time resisting a date/meeting with this person, even if you possibly have already noticed some “red flags” about the person. It is like your common sense doesn’t seem to be working as well as it used to…
*The “great sex” often goes hand in hand with your partner being very “charming” and “charismatic”.
*There may also be a lot of physical tenderness; They take you into their arms, hold you gently afterwards, “spoon” you (yes I hate that word, too!), stroke your hair, etc.
As with all other techniques of the narcissist; to get their narcissistic supply, and to get control over you. The supply simply means your reactions to them, this case adoration/attention/admiration. This is the fuel narcissists need, to survive.
Your every expression of pleasure will satisfy the narcissist. But not because they’re happy for your sake, no. Because it tells them how amazing they are, that they can get these reactions from another person. (This is positive fuel, for them. There’s also negative fuel, but we won’t go into that, here).
The control aspect is easy to understand: If they get you addicted to this “passion”, this amazing sexual connection, it will be easier for them to control you. To get them the fuel they need from you, when they need it.
The pattern: Hot And Cold
If you’re in a long-term relationship with a narcissist, and break up a few times, and so on, you may come to see patterns more clearly. For example: When I lived at Hero’s place for a while, he wasn’t really that into sex between us. And I don’t mean the usual “cooling down” that happens when you see each other more frequently, in a relationship. No, I mean barely any interest at all, from his side.
There are several reasons for this, and I’ll delve deeper into it in next part, (next week probably). Suffice it to say here, that one of the reasons for this was obvious: He already had control of me, as much control as he was ever gonna get, cause I lived at his place. When the supply “source” is already secured, there’s no more need to do any work, now is there? Nope. Correct.
But, the second I started “threatening” to walk out, or in fact did walk out, due to all the unacceptable behaviors from him, in other aspects of the relationship….
Yep! You guessed it. There was that wonderful seduction again… The great sex, the whispered words from him: “There’s nothing like this, what you and I have, it’s so special, I don’t know what it is you do to me…” All to keep the control, and to not lose his major “source” of the last few years.
What if it is indeed a genuine, unique passion? How can I tell that apart from sex with a narcissist?
*A narcissist will, with a bit of time spent with them, show other “red flags”, too. These are too many to go into in detail here, but look out for things such as “love bombing”, inconsistency in communication patterns, your gut feeling that something’s “off”, unusually many “crazy exes” in their past, great charisma and charm, “too good to be true”, etc.
*A person who is not a narcissist, will likely try to maintain healthy balance in your relationship, even in the beginning, and even if you have a great passion together. I don’t know if you remember the serial love story I wrote about “Mr. X”? (A non-narcissistic ex of mine). Anyway, he’s a perfect example:
Even though “mr. X” and I were crazy about each other, it was always healthy. He neither “love bombed” me with too much communication, nor did he suddenly disappear for days without communicating. He was stable and consistent, but not “too much” in his communication. I was never “overwhelmed”, and never “anxious”. In other words; healthy, “real” passion.
So, none of it was real? The passion?
Well…no. Not from the narcissist’s side. They didn’t “feel” love, like you did, during all those fantastic nights together. Sure, they may have received some physical pleasure from things you did to each other, but that’s about it. The sad and harsh truth is, we as targets, could have been anyone. As long as it’s someone who provides good fuel.
The passion you felt though, was real, to you. And no one can take that from you! Cause it’s what you felt inside. That doesn’t need to be diminished or tainted by the fact that the narcissist was a fraud. Your feelings were still real, and precious.
If you’re in a relationship with someone, and feel an “amazing sexual connection”, it *could* be a red flag for narcissism. Of course not by itself, but if you’ve also spotted other “red flags”, it might be time to take a step back and slow things down a bit, to assess what you’re dealing with….
(Note: This post is about narcissists with “somatic narcissism”, meaning they use sex, and/or their physical appearance to “catch” their targets. There are also cerebral narcissists, they don’t rely much, or at all, on these sexual manipulation techniques, but instead use other ways to control their targets).