Seriously, I feel like there are currently three people within me, fighting for control over me. (Thanks, blogger “No I’m Not Ok” for that image, of three people within). Rant/anger warning for this post.
Another message Edit: two more messages today, from TOWNSNBS, TheOneWhoseNameShallNotBeSpoken. Sigh. Blocked, of course. So at least I didn’t have to read the BS. Anyway, I’ll tell you about these three persons within me.
Person no. 1 is disgusted and exhausted. So I’ll call this person D&E. You see, D&E is so exhausted from having to keep on dealing with all these feelings, that always overflow me, when TOWNSNBS messages again. D & E Just. Wants. This. To. Fucking. STOP. But at the same time, D&E is, well, exhausted, so can’t manage to do more than basically just blog about it.
Person no. 2 is a bit delusional and gets the urge to reply when TOWNSNBS texts. Person no. 2 is called LoveFool. You see, LoveFool remembers all that love and passion, the magical nights together with TOWNSNBS.
How he used to brush my hair, hold me, say I was so pretty and that he missed me so, massage my shoulders while we watched a movie. How he made my whole body catch fire with his burning touch…
LoveFool compares that to these awfully cold and lonely nights since. And to LoveFool, it seems like madness NOT to call up TOWNSNBS. Just a fix. Just this once. Take this pain away, just take it away! I’ll do anything to make it go away, LoveFool begs.
Person no. 3 is filled with anger and hatred. Person no. 3 is therefore DD, DarkDevil. DD is furious at the narcissist: How does he have the nerve, to reach out to me again? After everything? Can’t he just be a decent human being, for once in his life, and just leave me the hell alone…
DD is calling out for revenge, crying out to Karma to strike the narcissist down (emotionally), have him feel pain, grief, loss, make him human! Make him suffer and pay for all he’s done, already…..
So, why don’t I just call the police? Get a restraining order? Why don’t I do something and start being proactive, to change this? The number one reason is actually that the revenge of a narcissist, has no boundaries.
If a narcissist feels that you wrong them, or perceive you as a threat that could tear down their perfect self image, they will strike at you in any way they can. Nothing is off-limits then. I’ve never experienced a narcissist’s revenge, and I very much prefer to keep it that way.
Also, since the narcissist lives off of creating chaos and drama, it is their life blood, it would keep the narcissist even more attached. By trying to take action to keep him away, I would make him even more attracted.
Imagine bleeding from your leg in waters with lots of sharks. When you start swimming, that blood gets spread out over a larger area, which will only attract a shark all the more. Yes, the narcissist would smell blood like that, a mile away, and rejoice, if I took (further) action to escape him.
He’d feel the surge of power in his veins; “just look at how powerful and significant I am, that she has to call the police”! He’d also have a field day, manipulating the police officers, and planning his revenge for later… So, no. I won’t go there.
Oh, you might be wondering which of the three persons is “winning”? It’s still D&E Disgusted & Exhausted, for the time being. That doesn’t sound very uplifting, I know. It is not much progress, not as much as I would have hoped for, by now. But believe me, D&E is still way, way better than DarkDevil, and a thousand times better than LoveFool!
Alright, next few posts shall be inspiring or fun, instead. I’m sick of this Darkness now, even if it is an old friend, by now.