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So, LoveFool reared her ugly and delusional face again today. (Previous Post here). She manifested not by actually showing her face, but instead as a razor sharp pain. #NoT.JokiNg! An awful saw blade slicing my heart up into little pieces this morning. Simply because: summer has come, it’s the weekend, and a tropical hurricane of memories attacked, when I saw the clear blue skies outside my window. 

Ahh… The memories. You see, a weekend like this, we would always take his boat out and have wonderful days by the coast….

– lazy, blue, sunny, balmy days, that would stretch out into eternity, yet never be long enough. It was bliss. Cause of course it’s not all hell, with a narcissist. Then none of us would ever stay more than a week with them. That’s their secret. When it’s good with them, it’s the most amazing days of your life…

I remember how my eyes used to sparkle, almost competing with the ocean itself.
I just…melted into him, somehow. I was simply the happiest person ever, during those days, cause I loved that stupid man more than anything in this world…

The stupidest little thing can make me cry, thinking back. How I always put sun screen0man on him, cause he forgot (or didn’t care enough about himself?)… and so he always got burned, otherwise…

I would apply the sun screen to the back of his neck, and his naturally sun bleached hair would somehow always be a bit too long there…. like a boy who doesn’t care to go to the hairdresser in the summer…

His skin smelled like the ocean… he smelled like home.

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We used to jump into the car, going down to the boat. Excited like children, we’d listen to music in the car, have a smoke, open the windows to feel the wind in our hair. We would stop at the grocery store, on the way down to the harbor.

We picked out the most delicious “summery” foods we could find, in the store’s deli section. Grilled chicken, roast beef, different salads, italian pasta soaked in garlic and tomato sauce….

The saw blade slicing up my heart this morning, was the thought that this is probably why he reached out, twice, a couple days ago. I couldn’t read the texts, cause he’s blocked, but I’d say with 95% certainty he wanted to ask me to come out on the boat this weekend. “Like in the old days“, I’m sure he wrote. (Bastard).

I can’t explain why, but that brings tears to my eyes. Now I know what he is. But I loved him so, at the time. And I miss the person I thought he was, the fake persona he showed me. The man who loved me…

All of the above is LoveFool talking, of course. You figured that out already. I said to LoveFool that, Alright; I’ll write out her sad memories, her heartbreak, her love, for the world to see, and so that she gets rid of these stupid notions.

I am D&E, (Disgusted & Exhausted) remember? I know Narc doesn’t love me. He is a narc! He doesn’t love anyone. If he wasn’t a narcissist, and if he had a saw blade slicing up his heart, too…. then, wouldn’t he have been here, by now?

Wouldn’t he do anything, to get such a beautiful “love” back? Yes, I believe so. I believe a loving and honest person of integrity, who would have treated me like dirt so many times, would want to go to therapy. Of their own free will.

Cause such a person would be completely horrified by all the ways they had mistreated me…   But nope; narc is nowhere in sight, is he? I know where he is. Out on the boat, with someone else. We’re all expendable, to narcs…

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So, why did I punch LoveFool in the face? Well, naturally, I didn’t, physically, cause LoveFool is a part of myself. But I mentally slapped her, the way you see people slapping people in movies, to make them “snap out of it”! Cause: If she’d had her way, I’d be running back to narc…. and then, falling into the abyss. And I know the darkness down there, it’s like being on the inside of a black hole in space.

Cry all you want, LoveFool…   I’m going outside to enjoy the sun!

(all images:Pinterest)

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