(Note to you, Dear reader: You may want to “click through”, to get to my actual blog site, to be able to comment, since I’m now on “self-hosted” WP blog)… Over to today’s blog:
I had begun to think the madness had stopped. Behold the fool…
Sure, I still had a small knot in my stomach, but dismissed it as paranoia. After all, who would believe that anyone, anyone in this world, would keep contacting a person who, for a whole week, hasn’t replied to the last six text messages?
You all know by now, that such a person exists, who would try again, the following week. Yes. Our favorite stalker, 
a.k.a Hero a.k.a narcissist ex. I guess that only in his narcissistic mind can it make sense to keep contacting me, even if I don’t respond. (It has now been 1.5 years after our formal break-up, at that). What’s he even thinking? Perhaps: “She’ll cave. Eventually”.
The reason I was beginning to think the narcissistic “hoover” attempts had stopped, was that there was a short respite; there were no contact attempts, these last two days. Then, suddenly, there it was again, in my phone’s “blocked list”: “One new blocked text”…
I know I was tough and strong the last time I talked about this. But now, this is wearing me out. I try as much as I can to pep talk myself, to think: “Just ignore it. He can go to hell”. Etc. But, it is getting to me. The sum of these contact attempts, now seven, in 8-9 days… it makes me nervous. Fear returns. The fear of an “escalation” of his contact attempts…
Frankly, I am terrified of him escalating his attempts to contact me. I don’t know 100% that I can withstand it, should he for example show up outside my house, acting Prince Charming, looking at me with the sad eyes…(His sad face is really sad; like he’s carrying the universe on his shoulders! It’s the combination of: a puppy, a crying baby, the saddest movie you’ve ever seen, and your biggest heartbreak ever. Roll all those into one, and you can imagine how sad his face can look… I told him several times, he should pursue an acting career…)
And I know what would happen, should I listen even for a second to his speech. I would become the seafarers in the Odyssey: One second of listening to the bewitching song of the Sirens, and I would be forever lost… I wish I could do like Homer in the Odyssey; tie myself to a mast, so I don’t succumb to the lovely-but-deadly Sirens and their magic song.
I seriously doubt I could survive one more round of cheating, lying, broken promises, gaslighting, blame games, silent treatments, and so on.
This fear is paralyzing.
This fear is cold, like the hand of Death squeezing my heart.
This fear weighs me down, makes all my limbs heavier.
I have to breathe.
I tell myself over and over, that it’s over.
“He can not hurt you anymore”, I whisper to that little panicked bird inside.
The bird with two broken wings, whose heart is racing at a hundred miles per hour.
“He can not hurt you anymore“.
.
https://se.pinterest.com/pin/387661480406238296/
https://se.pinterest.com/pin/548876273312122760/
I don’t think you need me telling you to pay attention to that little bird, because you and I both know you realize that.
<3
Thanks, friend! I do realize it, absolutely. I feel like right now, this is weighing very heavy on me. I only focus on getting through every day right now, without responding to this person, cause I know what awaits me, if I should talk to him again… I would be drawn right back into all that darkness and psychological subtle abuse by game playing and lies.. and I just cant do that again!
So staying away is my mantra. Thanks. 🌸⚘
And there ARE alternatives of people to speak with and want the best for you
<—like this wonderful person and all of the other bloggers
Absolutely! I am so very grateful for you, and every single other blogger who stops by with some kind words! It is incredibly heartwarming and it makes me get renewed hope. Thanks for existing, both to you and all others who come here! 💜⚘
wow that is sooo annoying and hard. I am so sorry. You are doing good. Keep it up.
Thank you, ComingOut… I appreciate your kind words. It is a struggle for me, but I have managed to not reply to this seventh hoover attempt.. so I should be ok for more coming in.. I just hope he stays away as I am much weaker if I see him in person..
I will keep up my defenses as much as I can. Thank you! ⚘🌸
Cut it out kid…
Don’t give into his passive/aggressive behavior. Sure he’s sad but you’re afraid so:
Illegitimi non carborundum
This is a mock-Latin phrase that loosely translates to:
“Don’t let the bastards grind you down”
~~dru~~
No, no worries, not giving in… texts are fine, it is only if he should show up in person that could get me worried. Agree with the saying you wrote! Thanks Dru! 💜
Ok, I had a difficult time trying to post this from my phone, but here it is, a little late but here.
Survived, you CAN do it. You can. I know it’s scary. It’s the only reason I called him back Saturday was fear heveouldc show up. But.,, it wasn’t as hard to withstand him on the phone as I thought it would be. I’m sure if he showed up now I’d be ok.
You are strong. You’ve gotten by this long. You remember vividly the pain. Say, yes I love you. But no, you can’t come into my life. You can.
You know it’s more of the same. You convinced me, lol.
I had that knot in my stomach over the weekend. The fear made me call him. I stood my ground. You can too!!!!
He’s stopped for the time being. As had hero. Use the time to make yourself stronger. Remember that he only wants to suck you in and make sure your heads wrapped around him.
You can. You really can. Xo
(I’m cheering you on….)
Thanks, my friend!! I think this might be the record. 7 hoovers spread out over a week or so… back in the old days, I would have caved after 3-4 in 3 days.. so yes it is progress.. still fearing the fact that he could show up. He has done so several times in the past and only lives 15 minutes away, so it’s not entirely unlikely. Luckily enough, Friday to Sunday is the “Midsummer’s Holiday” here, so I will be away with my mom. So hopefully I will get even more time without having to see him, that I can use, to get stronger hopefully.
Thanks for all the kind words, I really appreciate it. I just wish to flash forward to 3 months from now when I have been complete No Contact, for a longer period of time. I just can not fully heal while he is continuing with this BS.
Hugs!! 💜🌷
I just want to say I totally understand that fear. It was my exact fear Saturday. I knew I had to say no, I knew it, and face to face would have been hard, and probably ugly. So glad that I managed to be strong enough on the phone that I don’t think he considered it unannounced. It was a terrible fear, and I don’t envy you for having it. Stay strong…xo
Yes I hear ya absolutely, and am grateful. It is just that it will be 2 years of this hoovering BS after the summer.. so I am just worn out and can’t deal with it anymore.. I know I sometimes answered and that was idiotic. But I have still always maintained my wish towards him, that he should never contact me unless he is serious and means to go to therapy and heal himself… and I am just SO tired of him never, ever respecting my wishes. He knows very well that all he does when he reaches out, is mess with my head and hinder my healing… and for what.. just cause he needs ego validation for 1 day.. sigh. I am just so sick of him now. I would report him to the police, truly, I would, by now, if I didn’t know he is a narc. They can be extremely vengeful so I dont wanna know what kind of trouble he would stir up if I reported him for stalking.
But I am just truly at a point where I need him to stop so I can move on… am just so tired after almost 2 years of same BS hoovers. But I have to stay strong, and just ignore, and hope he stops soon. He probably gets another steady GF soon (until he f*cks her up too). Perhaps a few months of quiet. I just need that… just a few months of complete silence from him..havent had that in more than 1.5 years since our break up. God, I hate him. I really do. I had compassion for so long. I don’t, anymore. I just want him to go away…. 😢💔
It will be good to go for a mini get away Fri-Sun anyway.. thanks for the support. Hugs!!
I know. That’s why I emailed him a month ago and said you need to stop whatever the fuck you are going here. Because I know it’s not because he wants me or even cares in the least about me, it just he needs to know my head is wrapped around him. As does your narc. And it’s hard, really hard. Big hugs….
Yeah.. I have asked him to stop like… a few hundred times now.. he has often promised to. Never lasts. It is all on me to escape and resist. It just gets so tiring after such a long time I guess. But I will keep on with No Contact. Am just tired, is all.. but we got no choice but to keep on. xo 💜💜💜
Get some rest this weekend my good dear friend. Glad you’ll be away from him xo.
Yes I will do that, thanks! xoxo 💜
Try to go one day at a time, put one foot in front of the other. 🙂 Try to keep yourself occupied with things you like so that you don’t think about him very much. Hard work, I know. I’ve been there. But you’re kicking a real bad habit and there will be times when (as you know) you will want to cave in. Don’t forget about how much worse it was to be with him.
Take care. 🙂
Thanks, Lynette! You are a voice of reason, as always. 🙂 I am lucky in that I have a lot of work to catch up on. Am also going away to the countryside for a long weekend Fri – Sun, so I will try to relax there, (I know he doesnt know where I am there). Luckily, I do have vivid memories of how horrible it was a lot of the time with him, how down and out I truly was, then. I am pretty proud of that I have become so good at resisting these smaller hoovers/texts.. now, I only fear the bigger hoovers, letters/him showing up in person. That would be my final test.. We have a national Holiday tomorrow/this weekend, and we all know how narcissists can sometimes use those to play on our “sentimental” side etc. But, I am telling myself that I can handle whatever he might throw at me.
Thank you for being so calm and rational. It really helps to hear voices of reason here! 😊🌷🌸⚘
Crossing my Chimp fingers hoping you find the strength to resist his sad face. He doesn’t have yur best intentions in mind. Only his selfish wants. Be well.
I haven’t called him back and am quite pleased about that. I hope he stays away, it is easier for me.. thank you 🙂
I know. I hope so 🙁
Just remember that you are in control of your choices. The fear likes to eat away at your certainty, but it is a big fat liar. You got this, my friend. Sending you my love.
Yes.. fear and 4 years of conditioning working against me. Often It is extremely hard to resist and also hard to explain.. it is like nothing else I have ever encountered… but yes, am keeping up the fight, still. Just exhausted. My only hope is that he cant be alone and must get a steady girlfriend soon, for a few months at least, so I get some peace finally, to heal properly. I really want to leave the past behind, but it is kinda hard when it comes knocking all the time… 😉
Yeah.. having quite a rough time of it right now, but all we can do is keep on, right. I sort of feel like that guy from the myth, you know the one that pushes a boulder up a hill every day, and it rolls down again, and the guy just keeps pushing the same boulder uphill the next day… ha ha 😉
Thanks for being there with kind words though, it means a lot and makes it feel more hopeful. Hope you are well. Hugs!! 💙💜🌸⚘
This guy should be arrested for harassment. It’s sickening how he tortures you. I hate to think you have to change but is it possible to change your phone number?
Thanks DWM! I cant change my number right now, but it wouldn’t matter anyway, he would just send letters.. The letters are much worse for me to deal with emotionally, so I think it is still ‘ better’ this way. I dont have to read what he says in the texts, since he is blocked,.. but I still get some sense of “where his head is at”. For example, this week he has “only” sent 2 texts, and last week it was 6. So now perhaps he is winding things down for a while.. hopefully. But yes I agree with your choice of words, it is sickening and feels like torture.
Since he is a narcissist though, he will need to get his need for admiration, emotional reactions, etc, filled somewhere else. So hopefully he will fade away more and more when he cant get a reaction from me… thank you so much, friend, and take care. 😊💜
I truly hope so… he needs to disappear! Besitos! Xoxo
Thanks! 🌷⚘🌸💜 xo 😊