Alright, I might be a tad bit unfair to heroin addicts now. If so, I deeply apologize if anyone suffering from heroin addiction reads this. I apologize, yet I have no other metaphor than “heroin addiction”, to describe the insane, magnetic pull of these “hoovers”, that the narcissist does. Sometimes the urge to answer is so strong, that I simply can not control it.
Like someone addicted to heroin would react, I imagine: You will do “anything” to get that high again… Oh, to reply once, to just see him again once, feel that amazing high of his touch, be in his arms and forget there is anything else in the world outside those passionate, tender moments. (Yes, I’m aware that this goes against all my knowledge and the rational, logical part of myself…).
What is very strange, is that each hoover attempt can affect me very differently. For instance, for the first three, I can go without being affected at all. I can even pat myself on the back, saying to myself I’m so strong, etc. Then comes the fourth hoover and BAM! Lo and behold, suddenly I’m a sobbing mess… I can not explain this any better than: it must reflect the sick and twisted duality of the narcissistic relationship itself:
One moment you love the narcissist, they’re all you ever wanted, your ultimate fantasy. You have great times together, more than great, outstanding, fantastic, amazing! You are Leo Di Caprio in Titanic yelling that you’re “king of the world”! At the same time, you are the slightly-fragile-yet-strong Kate Winslet, in Leo’s arms.
You have everything you ever wanted and you’re the happiest person in the world….. until…. Yes. Until the narcissist does what he does, and shatters your dream-world, by any one of his favorite destructive behaviors.
Titanic always sinks, no matter what you do. There is no alternative ending to this movie. You can be sure your dream will die a violent death, crashing against the cold, solid, never yielding iceberg, that is the narcissist. But I digress.
Back to the hoovers. So, in an effort to get some control and overview of this chaotic, disastrous thing that is called “my life after the iceberg“, I will record the hoovers. Kind of like when you have a total chaos situation at work, and your boss is a demon raining down fire at you… what do you do? Yep. You write a “to do list”.
This is along the same lines of thinking. If we can write something down, it is less abstract. We feel more in control. (No matter how much/how little we actually are in control). So I will post this record of the hoovers, about once a week or so. I think it will also help create a sense of hope within me. Because hopefully, I will be able to see that the hoovers actually become more infrequent, over time. (Yay!).
If I see them becoming more infrequent, that should give me more strength in resisting the odd hoover. I can be like “Oh, right, another little hoover, oh well, the last one was 2 weeks ago, so if I just resist this one, I should be okay for another 2 weeks”! Seeing patterns. That sounds great.
Another positive effect is that I will also see how much progress I am making. (How many weeks/hoovers I have resisted). Further motivating me to stay No Contact. (Double yay!)
So, here’s my current list: (There were a few days at first, where there were no hoovers, I’ll name these Day 0-4)
Day 0-4: 0 hoovers.
Week 1: 6 hoovers
Week 2: 2 hoovers
Week 3: 1 hoover, so far. (Yes, a new blocked text in my list again, yesterday! ((The unimaginable bastard. Can’t he Just.Stop.))….. )
These posts will be very short from now on. In today’s post I just had to explain a bit, what these posts are for. I will likely include some type of feeling with the posts. How I managed to not reply, what I felt in those moments, etc.
Who knows, perhaps just because I made a post like this, the universe might hit the narc over the head, and tell him to stop his hoovering altogether? Now, wouldn’t that be something! The hope for a miracle, never dies…
P.S. I am swamped with work this week, will not be as active here in Blogland as I usually am. Will hopefully make it up to y’all on my 4 weeks vacation, which starts Friday night!