This. Just like the image says: This, is why I have been humiliating myself. Again, I should say. Oh, fret not, there will be a lot of darkness in this post, yes, but I imagine there will be a small ray of sunlight, in the end of this blog post story. Yin and Yang, you know?
So, what is the manner in which I have been humiliating myself, you might wonder? Well, I guess you could say that the narcissist has been doing most of the “active” humiliation. The part about me humiliating myself, is mostly this: I know what kind of person this is, right? I know what I am dealing with, have known for quite some time…. So my part of the blame in all this, is walking into the dragon’s dungeon not blindfolded, but with open eyes…. Then, who is to blame for me getting my skin scorched again? Me, or the dragon? Both, I guess. The difference I can see is that I put a lot of self-blame on myself in retrospect, whilst the “dragon”/(narcissist) has no shame, no regrets, no feelings of guilt or anguish whatsoever, as he watches me stumble out of his cave, with third degree burns all over my skin…
To summarize what happened lately: I was back in contact with the narc, as you know. When I felt that he wasn’t serious about anything, I stopped contact and told him why. I went an entire week without contact. And then, on a Saturday, there it was.
Like a landmine, it had been thrown into my mailbox on my front door, and I carefully picked it up from the doormat, as though I was scared it would explode in my face… It was a short letter, just asking if we should do that excursion to the countryside we had been talking about…
My brain shut down, and I called him up and we decided we would do the excursion the next day.
It was a glorious day, we went for a drive in the countryside and visited many nice places. We talked and laughed like in the old days. We listened to music in the car and Mr. Narc mentioned that he wished I could take a vacation week, so I could join him on a longer road trip to an amazing place he wanted to visit.
It almost felt like before, when we were a couple, in the good moments. (“The golden period”, as many narc victims experience). It was understood between the lines that I would come home with him and spend the night, in the evening.
We arrived at his place, a bit tired but in good spirits. He sat down at his computer and started typing in a web address, to look for movies we could watch. As he did so, the computer itself made suggestions in the “address field” about recently visited pages.
My skin turned cold, as I saw the computer’s address field automatically suggest the name of a famous dating site…. He didn’t seem to notice and went on to search for the movie site.
Eventually, he told me that I could look for movies instead, cause I was being a bit picky, in his eyes. I sat down and started writing the name of the movie website. AGAIN, the computer suggested the address to the dating website… (Divine intervention, anyone? Universe helping out?!). By now, Narc had gone out into the kitchen to get some drinks. For a moment, my stomach got that old familiar feeling, you know the one, where it is like something is sucking out all the content of your stomach, and there is nothing but a hole in there, and a snake is snaking his way around in there!
Should I? I shouldn’t, right? I should just have a pleasant evening and forget I ever saw this….
I could NOT resist, obviously. I had to know what was going on. As a victim of narcissistic abuse, you never get the truth, from the narcissist himself. So, your hunger for truth, is like a person’s hunger for food, after living in starvation for years… It’s like you just can not help yourself, given the chance. Like the starving person will steal bread, I stole a piece of truth, right then and there.
I did expect the Narc to have had contact with other women. I just didn’t expect it would be so…. many. And, so… recently.
The night before we met up for the excursion, the narc had written to one woman. She asked him what he was doing, and he replied:
“Waiting for you. 🙂 “
That was the same day he had gone and dropped “the landmine” (letter) in my mailbox!!!
I was surprised at this, for many reasons. One reason was, and I don’t want to sound harsh or superficial, but this woman really wasn’t good looking. At all. That is also typical of the narcissist. They do not care. Not because they are not superficial, cause they are… But because narcissistic supply, ie intention in all forms, is the only thing they are after. From anyone.
I only checked a couple of the other messages with women, they were all rather recent in time, seems like he had been busy. With one of the women, he had written that it had been nice to talk to her, and that he really wanted to see her, the sooner the better. It was the same with all of them. Like they were just…. cardboard cut-outs, or clones, to him. Toys. Things, to be used…
I suddenly felt like I had no love at all left in my heart for him. I saw him in all his ugliness, how small he really is, as a person. The letter to me was just because he was bored, in one particular moment. That’s all. He didn’t care his letter would stir up hope within my heart, hope that he felt something for me after all. He didn’t care his talk about a longer trip together, would stir up even more hope… He knew he was trolling other women online, he knew he was out to get any other woman’s attention to date her, get some attention from her, and then throw her away, or keep her on the backburner, whatever.
He just Does.Not.Care.
I left his apartment at once, mentioning briefly what I had seen on the computer, but not giving him any chance to explain. (What would there be to explain anyway).
24 hours passed, no attempt from him to contact me, to apologize, nothing.
In sheer, razorblade sharp agony, I called him up, asked if he didn’t regret anything about this, writing me a letter, seeing me, giving me hope, all while he knew he already had dozens of other women lined up….
You can guess what his answer was. Complete coldness. It was my fault for snooping, bla bla bla. He took NO responsibility whatsoever, couldn’t even bring himself to say he was sorry. On the contrary: He was the one who was hurt, cause I had left abruptly, etc. You get the picture. With the narc, they can NOT see anyone else’s hurt. They are the victim, always.
I hung up and felt like shit. To have someone hurt you in the worst ways possible, and not even getting an apology, or any acknowledgement that a person hurt you, is horrible. It is the loneliest feeling in the world.
What about yin and yang? With darkness, there must be light, right?
Yes, the upside to this story is, that after this incident, I have felt a hatred for the narcissist, a hatred deeper than I have ever felt. That is actually a good thing! I believe it will help me. Help me to stay away, for good, this time. And I can not help but thinking that I was helped by the universe, in some way, with the things showing so clearly on the computer… It was like a clue, screaming to me: Get out!! Do not stay here!! He has not changed!
And honestly, I do not grieve right now. When I think of the narcissist, I pity him. I do not like him, as a person, anymore. The little shard of love that might have remained, is now shrunk to the size of an atom, if even that.
Even considering the excruciating pain I felt at the moment of seeing all those women on his computer screen, I still feel lucky.
I got a warning from the universe, I belive. That way means only pain and suffering.
So, at the end of the day, I’m grateful. I’m not saying I am healed, far from it. Not saying I won’t grieve or have hard times anymore. But I am grateful to have been shown the truth. The empty shell that that man is.
I am turning to the blog again, to help hold me accountable and on the right path.
If you are with a narcissist, what is the only path you can take?
Yup. No Contact. NC.
No Contact restarted again: Am now on Day 5.
I believe in myself this time. I got this.
Love to you all! /SurvivedNarc