(Warning: Naked male torso coming up, complete with “movie blood”- spatter and all. Someone might take offense, so don’t look if you are sensitive to the above description. Also, very mild references to the topic of sex).
So… I am torn today! I am both proud of myself, AND annoyed with myself, at the same time! How can that be, you might ask. I’ll tell you, a little update on The Nerd and why I was a “douche” to him. (Yes, I am surprised too, that a woman can be a “douche bag”, but apparently I can…)
Oh, the pic, you were only in it for the pic in the headline? Well then, naughty you, here it is:
Yes, I said no to a date with The Nerd. The main reason wasn’t my lack of self-confidence and my general brokenness. Nope. I am actually beginning to be so starved for some kind of connection, that I do belive if it was only that, I would have said “Screw that” and gone ahead with the date plan.
But, it kept bothering me that I hadn’t felt even one little atom in my body being drawn towards The Nerd, in terms of attraction. So I concluded that right now, it would be a waste of time. His and mine. So what does all that have to do with Eric Northman in the pic, from True Blood? (Actor Alexander Skarsgard, a Swede like me, yay!)
Well…. I need more “blood”. (Not actual blood!). But I need for someone I date to have just a little bit of that… “Je Ne Sais Quoi”, wow, how the French are so spot-on with that expression!
That something, that you don’t even know what it is….
But, you do know…
It’s that mischief in the person’s eyes. A smile that is half-devil, half-angel. An insatiable, starving wolf, just underneath their civilized manners.
Someone who gives you an electrical jolt, each time you touch them.
Someone who could make you drop everything and move to a foreign country.
Someone who makes love to you and holds you, in such feverish and passionate ways, that you don’t care about anything else, and lose track of time and space.
Someone who makes you feel that you don’t care if the world blows up tomorrow, as long as you are in their arms…
I am aware that I just described someone who sounds a lot like my narcissist ex…. (Without all his harmful traits).
I am also aware The Nerd isn’t, and will never be, any of the above. To me.
There is one other person who has been all of the above, to me. And much more. Yes, “Mr. X”. (You might recognize him from the past here on the blog, in my The “Mr. X”-Files series (A Serial Love Story). If you wanna go back n’ catch up on that, you’ll find the start of that story: http://survivednarc.com/2016/02/02/the-mr-x-files-pt-1-the-meet/ ))
Mr. X had goofy humor, we had an incredible passion between us, AND he had a lot of the thoughtfulness, the caring nature, and the empathy, that the narcissist completely lacked…
So. I am greedy. I know. I want it all. But, I know it’s out there. I’ve seen it…
I won’t go for someone unless I feel at least a little bit of that “Zsa zsa zsu”, that is, at least some kind of attraction, initially.
I need… “blood”. Life blood, life force, passion, a red-blooded man who will at the same time be kind and faithful….
Perhaps I am too greedy. I don’t know. Maybe I should just settle for someone “nice”.
But, this online encounter with The Nerd, just proves once again, that I can’t do it. I can not help how I was created. I give a lot, in the way of passion, love, and caring. And I want all of that in return, too.
It’s just always been a thing with me. Both with mr. X and with the Narc, I knew. I knew the minute I lay eyes on them, that I would love them to death. I have tried, with many other relationships, where there is more of a mutual “liking”, and “friendship” vibe going on. But I just can’t do it. If I don’t feel it at once, I’ll never feel it. That’s just me.
I have discovered throughout many relationships or dating situations, that it is something about me that will probably never change. So I’ll accept it, instead.
I wasn’t a douche to The Nerd. Not really. I was as honest as I could be without being a douche; told him I had really bad relationship baggage and that I didn’t feel quite ready for dating just yet. I also said I could see us going to see a play in a theatre at some point, but then as friends. I said I was sorry and that he seemed like a good guy.
I didn’t say: “I need more… ‘blood’… I’m sorry”.