Yes, that is a quote (and pic) from the 1990 movie “Pretty woman”. It’s a damn great quote!

Are you wondering if I finally snapped? Have I just turned into one of those million and one superficial fashion bloggers? (Not that there’s anything wrong with those…I just usually want more… “content”, y’know?)

11a5e64b4db87d5d034b3929e4110b56No, but that quote reminds you that no matter how bad things are, you always have Retail Therapy! Well, not always, and not everyone has even that. So I am going to say today, that I am grateful that I have it, just now. It hasn’t always been that way….

My company has just started taking off and it is going well. (So far. I’m sure disaster is just around the corner, as it usually is. Ha!) I received my first payment from a client and it was pretty darn good, (compared to what I used to make as a part of the “slave” work force of employees… Don’t get me wrong, I have the utmost respect for everyone doing a great job as employees for, basically, pocket change. I used to be them! But I am going to take a moment and be glad that I am not, anymore).

I have been hit by a shopping fever like never before, I mean, it is insane. (By my standards).

You see, I used to be pretty poor, (again, by my standards, in my country), growing up. I wouldn’t say poor as in starving. I live in Western/Northern Europe, and there is a certain minimum living standard here, for most people. But yes, we were lower middle class/working class, I’d say. There were rarely, if ever, any extravagances.

I remember very well how strained our family’s finances would be at times, and as a kid, how you didn’t want to wish for too fancy things at Christmas. After my parents split, it was even worse, as a teenager. You “had to” have all the cool clothes of certain brands and so on, for school, but you knew your family couldn’t afford it….   I was even afraid sometimes to ask my mother for certain necessary things like a bus pass, because I knew she would sigh and frown, etc.

This all led to what I call the “No Brand Syndrome” in me. That is, I never buy anything expensive. When I have to buy technology or clothes, I always look for the cheapest brand, ie the brand that has “no name”, or at least, a name that means the price tag is acceptable…  It doesn’t sound like much of a sacrifice or a hardship, but it has been, actually. I have always tried to keep down the quantity of stuff I buy, too. I tend not to buy a lot at all, in the way of clothes, make-up, and computers/phones, essentially anything that is not “necessary to survive”.

This has changed, with me now getting a little more cash in my pocket, suddenly. “The No Brand Syndrome” was always going to turn into “I Want All I See Syndrome”. I think it is inevitable, in fact. There are so very many years of desires held back, that it can not be stopped. I think it is comparable to a person who is starving and then by some fortunate twist finds themselves in a magical castle with a long buffet table of caviar, eggs, finest salmon, tender steaks, a choice of fried, or oven baked, or boiled potatoes, bacon, cold ham, veal, pot roast, freshly baked bread and salads, a selection of cheeses and desserts, and the finest champagne… what would they do?

They would throw themselves over it all, with an unsatiable appetite. And I definitely understand them. I have not known that hunger, but I have known this hunger, and it is kind of the same, in some ways. The hunger and the desire of never having enough, always left wanting more. In that mix can of course exist elements of also emotionally wanting more than your caregivers can offer you…  But, like many children and adults too, can do, if something is hard to express, process, or even acknowledge… we take the easy way out.

If we can not fix what is really broken, we fix whatever we can.

I don’t see tragedy in that. I see humanity. I see beauty in the mix of resignation and still, that small joie de vivre, in getting yourself something that you’ve always wanted.

It’s like: “Ok, I might not get my Great Love that I wanted. I might not even get a family of my own. Hell, I might not even ever be able to get out of my bubble of loneliness, sadness and grief. But, by God, I will get that lovely, dreamy dress of pure silk, if it kills me”!

I am touched by that. Silly as it sounds, to some.

0spaceI mean, here we are on a little rock in a basically infinite space, and all the rest of space, as far as we know, is completely dead; either cold as the North Pole, or hot as hell. And here we are. Little specks of star dust. Just tryin’ to survive, get by, have as good a life as possible, for the blink of an eye, that we have here on this Earth.

But, yeah. I have these shards inside my chest.

You know, all the thousand and one shards, of the heart that someone inhumane broke, beyond all recognition. Over and over again.

And I can’t deal with that anymore, just now.

So I’ll fix what I can. For now.

I’ll work on my self-esteem in a way some people might find superficial. But I must start somewhere. Get some new clothes, get my hair done, start working out, perhaps fix up my home a bit. Perhaps outer change can sometimes lead to inner change…

Getting rid of the “No Brand Syndrome”, I’m going to become the best-looking brokenhearted person yet!

I don’t know about you. But to me, that is at least Something.

Love/Survived