Alright, so I knew something was fishy! I knew there wouldn’t just be steaming hot conversations about S-E-X. I knew other things would creep into the conversations after a while.
And I was right.
(I love being right, don’t you?)
So, a few hints, vague references to the potential of a relationship, had snuck into our conversations online…. (not from my side, mind you!).
Keep in mind that this all started out as sexy conversations and nothing more.
You know how they say that “men are all about sex, and nothing more” ? I have doubted that ever since I started dating, in my youth.
I think I have seen many times in men a longing for love: that woman (or man, if they are gay, of course!), someone who will love them and make them feel alive and cherished. Special to someone.. needed. (Why wouldn’t men want that, too).
Alright, so back to the convos and my suspicions… These are examples of statements which had been snuck in, suddenly (by him).
“… well, if we would live together…”
“… The distance between us? Oh, that can always be solved, if we want to..”
“…So typical: the funniest and most beautiful woman just had to live across the country…”
So, after a few of this kind of comments, I decided I had to “test” my theory a little. (Is he in this for sex only, really, or is he actually starting to “like” me….)
Today being Valentine’s Day and all, I jokingly wrote a message that he should stay away today, so I wouldn’t scare him off with some sort of romance in my messages.
He took the bait.
“Well, you can say anything you like to me, cause you already know I have a pretty big crush on you…”
And somehow, in all its simplicity, that was the single most uplifting thing a man has said to me in…. I don’t know how many years.
Me? Somebody’s “crush”?
In the midst of my “butterflies, unicorns and rainbows” feelings, the usual fears crept in.
I think it is the saddest thing in the world, that the narcissist managed to “program” me into always expecting the worst, from a man.
There is absolutely nothing saying that Mr. Wrong will use me, hurt me, break my heart over and over, devalue me, discard me, and so on.
Yet, I am so very afraid of that, so much I almost want to cut the contact right now, before our potential “relationship” has even started…..
How screwed up is that?
For now, I will just enjoy this little thing, whatever it is. I refuse to let the narcissist continue to have such a power over me, as to make me not even try exploring the potential of a new man.
Then, the narcissist would really have succeeded in his goals; that I would remain forever broken, forever bound to the role of eternal misery he cast me into.
I love feeling there is still defiance within me.
It’s a beautiful day on my Caribbean holiday. I have a crush on a gorgeous younger man. He claims he has a crush on me. It is all just SO exciting!
Damn. It is good to be alive.