Yes, that’s me, the “woman shot down”. (Not for the same reasons as in this amazing song!).
Oh, behold my stupidity turn into sadness, then into pride and fierceness. All in one day!
Here’s how the shooting went down… (Only ever “shoot” people in conversations, never in real life, please!)
Me: (Excited to be landing at my hometown airport in the morning, and to be texting Mr. Wrong). “I am alive! That is, I’ve landed. Good morning to you! 😘. (I know. I’m nauseous too. But infatuated fools will use those emojis….HE started it!!).
4 hours pass. (Seriously, 4 hours? Before this, we have sent each other countless, and I mean countless messages, each day, for about a week straight). Alright, trying to calm myself down with logic. He’s just busy, right? But as soon as he gets a break he will of course write his normal cute/hot messages, and we will decide on a time for our long-anticipated Skype conversation for later today….
Him: “Hey 😊, (no kissing emoji there, anymore!), good that everything went well”.
(My thoughts: Uhm… ? Where is the suggestion for a time to Skype…? Annoyed, I decided not to reply. After all, there was no invitation from him to continue the conversation in any way. It must have been the shortest text I ever receieved from him).
Me: (Late evening, now extremely annoyed that he hasn’t texted again to suggest a time for the Skyping HE suggested in the first place). “Hey again. You kind of “disappeared” a little today, I feel. I thought you wanted to Skype today. But perhaps you aren’t that interested anymore. That’s cool. Anyway, take care.☺“.
Him: “Not at home tonight, and thought you were gonna rest after your trip. And you haven’t written anything, so. ☺.”
Me: Well, no, I didn’t reply anything back, cause there was “nothing to reply to”, in your first text. (No question nor a suggestion about a Skype time, as we had discussed before. So therefore, it felt better for me to just wait and see). But have a fun evening and maybe we’ll talk some other day. ☺”. *
(Note to reader: *Meant a “Frozen Face Emoji”, if there existed one!!!)
Him: “Oh, you interpreted it like that. 😟 Yes, we can probably get in touch more tomorrow”.
Me: Haha, yeah, there weren’t many ways to interpret your first message, heh. But it’s cool. We’ll talk when we’ll talk. (equivalent to “See you when I see you”, in my language). Have a good evening wherever you are. ☺. *
(Note to reader: *That was a “F*ck you Emoji”, if there existed one!!!)
Ok, analysis: I might look like a super-jealous, insecure, passive-aggressive bitch, in this whole convo, and he might look like an innocent, clueless, nice person. But only if you read the text plainly. Context is everything here: He has been the one initiating from the start, he has suggested Skyping, seeing each other IRL, etc. He has said he began to have feelings for me during our rather intense text sexomance. During the days we have both written “I’m at home/the beach/work”, etc. And suddenly this?? “I’m not at home“, which is basically saying “…and I’m not gonna tell you where I am, this late Friday evening, when we were supposed to Skype.” (!)
The whole nonchalant, curt way of his communication today, also coincides with me actually being in the same country as him, again. (I suddenly don’t seem so interesting….when it gets “real”?) Also, his: “I thought you were gonna rest after your trip”, borders manipulative behavior. I haven’t uttered one iota about resting. Nope, the plan was to Skype with him…
Felt frustration, and then a bit sad, thinking: “What The actual F*ck?! Is this going to be the case with every man I ever encounter? Why? Why lead me on for a full week like this? Do I have ‘Ego Booster for Males’ imprinted on my forehead?” He actually in one of our previous conversations talked about “being SO glad to finally meet someone special online, and that he should have looked in my town a LOT sooner”.
Talk really is cheap.
It’s not that I thought he was gonna be the love of my life.
I just thought he seemed so different, so genuinely interested in actually trying to meet and see what there was to build on… and so consistent/transparent in communication. (Until suddenly he wasn’t). And so smittened with me. A whole week of messaging almost non-stop, I mean that’s not like chatting to someone briefly on a lunch break…
There was something there. It wasn’t in my head. Either he was a good actor, or there was something there and he just switched and became an a-hole who hides behind “fear of intimacy”.
I don’t know. All I know is he really shot me down today. And boy, there was no countdown, no walking away from each other, like in a duel. He simply shot me out of the blue, for no apparent reason.
Best case scenario, he’s young/immature, and really doesn’t “get” how important it is to be consistent and reliable…. Worst case scenario (Brrr!), he could be a narcissist in the making/some other ego boost hunter…
What I’m really most proud of in all this, is that I didn’t “lose my cool”. As soon as I was shot and injured, I reached for my own gun in a millisecond, and returned fire. Of course, I am a woman, and therefore shoot with invisible emotional bullets. There are very obvious hints in my messages, screaming: “Man, you screwed up”.
Thing is, at this point, I don’t really care if he picks up on the hints, or not. I need a man who is going to understand automatically, how to treat a woman. I am not going to teach anyone, or write them on the nose when they behave like an idiot. I already spent 4 years with a narcissist trying to do that.
I read the best quote ever somewhere, in all that narcissist fog… “You shouldn’t ever have to teach adults what decent and/or hurtful behavior is. An adult should understand by themselves, which actions might hurt others”. Words to live by. Let people go, if they can not (even initially!) treat you right.
After getting up, from being shot, and having fired back, I brushed the dust and blood right off of me. I logged onto the dating site.
Another (hot!) friend/flirt, was online, and he had remembered exactly when I was about to land. And he (being 43 years old = 43 times wiser than Mr. Wrong..?) had of course himself taken initiative early in the morning, to message me, to make sure I had landed ok. And to remind me his interest in me is there, as always. And that he would be a lucky guy if he could get to take a walk with me….
I blew the smoke off of my gun, and sat down to type my reply to “Mr. 43”…..