As I stood at the airport, I felt the gigantic fist reaching down from the universe, punching me in the face.. I gasped for air and my heart jumped…
I was on a trip for work today, had to fly back and forth to another part of the country, just for the day. I thought I had done a pretty good job this week. Not at work, no… a pretty good job of being in a zombie-like state, and pretend that Mr. Wrong had sort of never existed.
Do you believe in signs, that’s the real question?
Believe me, I never used to believe in signs before. Seriously, since I lost my faith in any higher powers (a few years ago), I used to think that talking about “signs” was mumbo jumbo and wishful thinking. (Yay, go cynical me!).
But today… I’m telling you, I don’t know, this was SO weird, to the point that it almost made me laugh afterwards, cause it was so completely unlikely, for a coincidence.
So there I was, minding my own business at the airport, searching for my gate, seeing different tv screens above the gates.. they have one screen above each gate, showing only the name of that town/destination. I saw like 10 screens in front of me in a row from left to right, from a distance, so I started walking towards them a little, to get a better view.
The first screen I look at, some random one in the middle, shows a departure for the town Mr. Wrong lives in.
My zombie state is broken, and my heart is in my throat. I freeze.
All that we talked about comes rushing back, and I get this sudden excitement in my body, from remembering all of our earth-shattering, mutual desire. I shudder, and every cell, every atom in my body just wants him, now!
I try to calm myself down cause I have to get on my flight. But before I go, I see on that cursed screen that the flight to his town is departing the same time that my flight is…
Alright, it is a kind of a small, national only airport… but still?! I mean, the town Mr. Wrong lives in, is a speck of dust on an atom!! You can hardly even see it, on the map! I couldn’t ever imagine they have daily flights there, for pete’s sake! (Must be something subsidized from the government, for sure!) And that this flight should leave at the same time as mine, well, that’s just absurd.
When I saw that, I really thought it to be a cruel twist, by the universe. It felt… taunting… like a voice full of mocking, whispering, “See, wouldn’t you rather go there...? ”
The take-off on the plane was horrible. Waves and waves of desire washed over me, as I remembered all his passionate words in our hundreds of messages, our Skype chat with our natural banter, laughs, and extreme chemistry. I remember him smiling constantly, like someone who has found a treasure map.
I remember him saying how he could not believe how I had both things at once: “such a sweet, innocent face, and so sexy, such a heat, at the same time“. It was like he was overwhelmed. I remembered how it wasn’t until the last few days of our contacts, that he started calling me “darling”, like he had finally “caved”, faced with the inevitable…
The desire I felt sitting in that cramped airplane seat, was mixed with a sudden, intense sadness. Like drinking the finest champagne, only to find it laced with arsenic.
I have only known this kind of desire for someone twice before in my life. Both times it resulted in four year long relationships, with a sex life out of this world, like an electric storm accompanied by a forest fire… The kind of stuff you just surrender to, no questions asked. What I mean is, I am not “usually wrong about these things”… I am a person who finds it rather stupid to believe someone would be madly attracted to me. So when that happens, it is usually extremely clear to me, a “100%” sure thing.
So yes, there was hurricane material there, but he chickened out. I get it.
But why THIS, universe? Why taunt me with this reminder?
There was nothing here that could have reminded me…. absolutely nothing! He has very common interests, nothing that “sticks out”. We don’t have any songs, I have never felt his scent, we have never gone places together… just about the only general thing that could have reminded me of him, was the name of his town. And that is never mentioned in newspapers or anything (cause of the speck of dust thing… you get it).
I don’t know. Maybe I am going crazy. For real this time.
But I could swear, this was “intentional”, somehow. There was some meaning behind this, I was meant to see that town name all of a sudden, today. I have no idea why.
If there truly are signs, what are you trying to show me, universe? Cause I don’t get it, at all, to be honest. I’m gonna do what? There is nothing for me TO do… Mr. Wrong was the one to strangle this crazy passion in its cradle – and that’s that.
I just hope there won’t be any more reminders/face punches from the universe…
On the plane, I also had to deal with the hardest feeling I have had in a long time:
That this “ending before even beginning”, was something that was just… wrong. I can’t explain this, as I said, I don’t look for/believe in “signs” etc. But I sat there, heart aching, and knowing that how this all played out, was just wrong…
It’s not about rejection, I can take that. I am used to that. There was a genuine, sharp, crystal clear feeling like a lightning through me, that this was just so very, very wrong. This next thing sounds crazier than the current administration in the US, but: Images came to me as I sat there… like, images from another life… I saw Mr. Wrong and I together, in a bunch of different places; like a whole relationship played out before my mind’s eye. It was excruciating to watch this, like an incomprehensible film playing before your eyes.
This is some creepy shit, so I am going to stop talking about it now. I have no idea if this is my mind playing tricks on me. It probably is. But, there’s a gnawing feeling left inside of me, that just won’t leave… telling me to listen.
I won’t though, I will write this one off as some subconscious wishful thinking BS, as I can’t really do anything about all this, anyway.
Uhm, Universe: if “you” really are out there, and were trying to give me a “sign”, a hint: you are reminding the wrong person…. I was the one on board with all this insane passion nonsense, as you might remember.. But, mad props to you, for giving my cynicism a real challenge today!