I believe it’s time. Yes. In fact 2.5 years too late, even. I have been a “nun”, while the Narcissist has been with half the women in town. And I want to “move on”. (Cliché much?).
Those famous(?) words in the title come from my old favorite show, Sex and the City.
Yes, you guessed it, Mr. Wrong is back. Or rather, I learned he never “really” left…
Wait, hear me out first, before you deem me a hopeless idiot. I would think so too, but let me make my case first, please. I am not having any illusions about Mr. Wrong, he might very well turn out to be a lot of the things he has shown so far. He might very well be the “mr. Big” to Carrie, in Sex and the city. The one who won’t ever be “tied down”, no matter how obvious it is they have a truly special connection.
But, as any good impartial jury, we should know all the facts first.
So, the last time we left it, I had sent a goodbye message to Mr. Wrong on the dating site (cause he couldn’t see “us” working out, distance, blah blah. Said and done, I logged out from Sunday, to Thursday. Then came that “sign”, if you wanna call it that, at the airport. What this “sign” did was, make me think: Well, what harm can it do to log in one last time on the dating site, to see if Mr. Wrong went quiet, or if he had anything to say for himself”. I planned to shut down my profile for a few weeks after that, to possibly get him and that Crazy Chemistry out of my system.
But there it was, a long message again, him basically just explaining that it never felt right to say goodbye to me, how it gnawed on him, but that it was all out of the fear that we wouldn’t make it work. But, at the same time, there were some words about how I was the only one he is thinking about, how he can not get me out of his head, and how he thinks that we should try and see each other anyway, despite the odds…
After that message, I saw he had visited my profile again on Wednesday night, (probably to check if I had been online at all, which I hadn’t, then). That was just a few hours before my flight, by the way, and seeing that “sign” or whatever.
My heart raced reading his words… “You are the only one I want to see right now”. Etc. I considered my options and my personal circumstances. And found that the chances of making a relationship work are slim to none.
But, is a relationship really what I want, with the first guy I am really interested in, after the narcissist? Maybe. Maybe not. What I am sorely in need of right now, above all, as you know, is simply human touch. Passion. Someone who thinks I am beautiful, and tells me that.
Someone who holds me and with all his body, helps erase at least a few of the layers of memories of the Narcissist… someone to help make me feel alive again. I can feel alive by just walking in the spring rain by myself too, but it would be that much more powerful kissing someone in the rain, after making love a whole afternoon… or maybe that’s just me?
I don’t know, I am simply a very sensual person, I guess. I wither away after a few years without anyone touching me.
But seriously, especially if you read my poem yesterday: (Desire), you get an idea of how badly I need to just see someone I am really (physically) attracted to. And Mr. Wrong is the first one in 2.5 years I have felt this kind of attraction to. I haven’t only seen him in pictures, we have Skyped too. So the attraction seems real, and he seems to be my perfect sexual match, kinda like this:
All this is good and dandy, right? If we meet, sparks fly, I feel alive, I get what I need… but then what? Mr. Wrong probably burns out fast, with all these white hot flames…. Isn’t there a risk I will fall in love “in vain”, (especially if doing stupid stuff like kissing in the rain!!)… ?
Yes. There is that risk.
I have thought long and hard about how I can reduce that risk. Besides the obvious: Programming my brain to remind my heart every 5 hours that it is only a fling, I will also have to put some other limits to all this.
I have talked before about my crazy heart and how it is as easy to tame as a wild horse…
My one plan is: There has to be a time limit. That will help me see an end, right from the beginning. Of course, if we both fall madly in love, we will cross that bridge when we come to it…. (He has said so aswell, that he is open to that!). But far more likely is that Mr. Wrong will “only” be a Great Lover, instead of a Great Love.
So time limit: hello, my best ally! I will allow this fling to go on for no more than 4-6 weeks, starting from when we meet for the first time. (And assuming we won’t become serious, of course).
That will leave us with perhaps only 2 – 3 weekends together. (If we even make it past one). According to my logical, statistical brain, which has helped recover the broken pieces of my heart on several previous occasions, that should be a proper timeline for me to make it out without any real permanent damage…
One of the few positives of having lived through a narcissistic relationship: Years after, you can get these moments, days, where you feel almost indestructible, this new you. Cause you think to yourself: If I survived that, there is nothing I can’t get through!
And also: I have been doing this thing called life for quite some time alone now. Is some lover suddenly going to make me give up and lay down and die, if he leaves? I think not. I am used to taking care of myself now, and proud of my career and my other efforts at a good life. If he wants to be in it, it’s just a bonus really.
I know… I am cocky now. But… there are no unsinkable ships. No strategy is “airtight”.
But, I need this.
So, I will try as well as I can, to protect my heart from too many new scars.
I am doing quite well with it, I think. I am getting used to the word “lover”, it rolls right off the tongue. Feels natural. Why didn’t I ever take a lover before?
“Oh him? He’s no one. He’s just my lover“. (Practicing).
Yes, I can do this. I believe in myself and my strength.
Alea iacta est.