Yes, of course. It was simply too good to be true, that I was going to get to have the upcoming weekend full of steaming hot sex, and butterflies in my belly, and unicorns and rainbows all around…
Mr. Wrong cancelled our weekend together. Yep. He said he was “ordered” to work overtime/extra shifts, cause people are sick at his workplace. (Yes, that is a real thing here, there is a law that says employers can order you to work overtime, (sometimes), or you will get fired.
He was very apologetic, he wrote several texts in a row, about how he felt so terrible and was so very sorry. He also immediately offered to give me money for the airfare (about 300 US dollars), since all this was “his fault”.
I was so shocked by his text with the cancellation, that I just wrote a cold text saying I really didn’t care about the money and he could do whatever he wanted, about that. He wrote he was in a tight spot with money right now, but that he felt so awful about me paying and him cancelling, that he would definitely put in the sum in my account. And he did, instantly.
He also wrote that he “understood if I was completely fed up and done with him now”. His fourth text or so, he ended with “I won’t write anything more right now, you’re probably at work and don’t want to be disturbed more”.
I waited for about 10-12 hours to reply anthing “real”, since I had gotten his text yesterday morning, and so I replied in the evening.
I was gonna stay quiet, and write him off as some player, but something hadn’t felt right about this whole thing. Alright, I get that he was “blowing me off”, since he hadn’t offered to reschedule, which is crucial if you really want the other person to keep their interest up. But, there was something else I didn’t understand, several things in fact. It didn’t make sense at all…
Why all this talk about how it was “his fault”? (It was his employer’s “fault”, if anyone’s?)
Why keep up the contact with me for almost 4 weeks, on an almost daily basis, writing hundreds and hundreds of messages, if there was never any real interest?
Why sit and smile, laugh and look like a puppy in love, on Skype, recently? (If he indeed felt nothing at all).
Why seem to be overjoyed when we had set the date through our usual texting sessions? Why ask immediately for me to send one more photo of me, cause “he couldn’t wait, but had to see me right now“?
Why even care about giving me the money for the “wasted airfare”, if he was just a player?
Why! Nothing made ANY sense to me, for him to one day be overjoyed I was gonna visit, and 2 days later, cancel and not reschedule….
I decided my mind would never have peace, if I couldn’t at least try to get some semblance of an explanation. At the same time, I knew that, if he was a player etc, I wasn’t gonna get one. Oh well, damage done, couldn’t hurt to try. I wasn’t gonna ask though, I was going to send a simple statement, and then he could ignore or do whatever he wanted.
I sent a text that same evening:
“Since you haven’t asked to see me another weekend instead, I guess you aren’t interested anymore. Too bad, but hey, it’s alright. Take care“.
After a little while, my phone pinged with this explanation:
“I am very introverted as a person, so much so, that it’s bordering social phobia, and I also have periods where I suffer from depression. There is your answer to why I am still single and am very unreliable if one doesn’t know me well. I think it is best if we don’t talk anymore, so I don’t hurt you even more. Forgive me for everything, and I hope you find someone better…”
I was completely dumbfounded at first, so didn’t know what to reply, if anything. Out of all the explanations I had expected, this was NOT it. But it did seem genuine and believable, especially if I think back to that other time when he was pulling away, when I thought he seemed a bit over the top with all his anxious questions about things that could go wrong between us, “maybe we will fall in love and no one wants to move to the other”, etc. (I had those thoughts too, but I didn’t bring them up to HIM, of course, since I didn’t wanna seem like a nervous wreck).
I also wondered about that “hope you find someone better”. The first time around when he pulled away, it also ended with him saying that I could surely find someone “better”. It seemed to be a hang-up for him… I googled depression quickly, and one of the first things I found, was an article where they talked about how depressed people often do not believe they are worthy of love…
I finally replied something thanking him for his honesty, and that I wouldn’t have judged him or pushed him away, even if I had known he had depression etc. But, I said, if you think you will only hurt me, fine, I will have to take your word on that. I said I had genuinely liked him as a person, but that I would not contact him again. I ended with: Please take care. Goodbye.
“Please take care of yourself, too. ❤ ”
And that was it.
Now, it feels a bit empty.
No, my world didn’t stand and fall with one man, but it had been a longer than usual road leading up to our first planned meeting, and I was so excited to at least try and date someone I had a genuine interest in, for the first time in more than 2 years.
I am disappointed.
I understand him, and at the same time, I don’t. What the hell, I’ve lived in darkness for a long time, too. I still do, a lot of the time. But you can’t hide behind that forever, not when a chance like this comes along. I just think he could have taken the chance, see what would have happened.
I know there was great chemistry there, because I never have great chemistry with anyone, that is why I notice it so well, when it pops up like a diamond through the dirt… this was honestly like the third time in my life that has happened. I also know, from everything he wrote, his obvious excitement, his being overjoyed, etc, (before yesterday), that it was there from his side too. But he chose to “smother it in its crib”.
Time to regroup. Once again. His-Loss- Get-Back-In-The-Saddle- (insert cliché of your choice here).
I will probably take a short break from the dating site while I regroup.
Wherever Mr. Wrong goes, I hope he tries to escape the darkness and move towards the light again.