There is a new player on the scene! I’ll call him “Mr. North”… I have no idea whether it will end up in mass destruction, or dissolve into clear blue skies and sunshine over the fields… Still, I am moving on just like a crazed tornado, no specific goal, it just has to keep moving on, tearing up old patterns, creating new tracks in its wake.
Perhaps it is unjust to call it a tornado, it is not only destructive, there is something truly positive in not dwelling on things… in those respects, I have been more of a…moss, the last few years. Lingering… lingering…dwelling in sadness, a grey and green material, damp, perhaps beautiful…but still, a memory of times gone by.
I am tearing it all up now, and it is liberating, I tell you. Live in a prison for years, and all you yearn for is freedom, movement, light (even flashes of light in milliseconds), energy, roaring… just anything, except standing still, basically.
I know I basically haven’t “done” anything, in the last 2 – 2.5 years… Except being in a state of mourning, and trying to heal, after the narcissist’s inhumane, cruel treatment of me…
Well, perhaps I am simply making up for lost time. I truly think so. I don’t find anything “desperate” in my efforts, not really. I managed to brush off “Family Man”, with a shrug. I truly have not been sad at all about his departure. I put up a healthy boundary, he couldn’t take it. End of story.
Soldier Boy has reached out. After 10 days of not a word. Sure, he has been travelling, but still? Not one text? Nah, that is not cool, if you expect someone to still be there…. I am hot stuff, he has to expect me to be gone, if he doesn’t make an effort…! We were sending a few messages back and forth. Then he wondered “What are you doing tonight“? I told him I was busy, AND that I also had “kind of thought he had forgotten about me, since he hasn’t been heard from in a while”. That has shut him up, so far. And to be frank, I don’t really care. I wasn’t head over heels to begin with, and someone who is inconsistent on top of that… nah. Can’t be bothered.
There was a time when I used to play a famous computer game. There was an abbreviation there that I LOVED. “CBA” = (I) Can’t Be Asked. That is the exact sentiment I get when someone wants to get laid after not caring one iota about me for the last 10 days, when it is someone I also was doubtful about to begin with…
But, what about the new player?
Mr. North is, well, from up North! He is also quite a bit younger than me, but so far is very respectful, very careful, yet, still seems to be very, very interested in me. Obviously, I am very interested in him, too. He is a “simple guy”, yet, he fascinates me. He does “countryside things that some people do up North…” Ie fishing, hunting, loves nature, etc. On top of that, he looks very handsome, in my book.
Now, I don’t crave “model” handsome. But, Mr. North is handsome, he really is. And, luckily for me, he hasn’t figured out just how handsome he is! (Cause then he’d be a lot more cocky). That is a phenomenon that can happen to handsome men, living up North in smaller towns, I have gathered… ha!
We have already talked about seeing each other, and since it is Easter, we would have to make it in a couple of weeks from now. Although we both have been keen. In the meantime, we will have time to get to talk more/get to know each other (meaning I will have time to look for the odious Red Flags….! There haven’t been any so far, this week we have been talking).
Have I completely forgot about Mr. Wrong? Unfortunately not… although I know a lot of you dear readers, wish that I would. He blips on the radar of my mind, now and then. But now more as a little bit of a sad memory, you know, as “what might have been”. Although I recognie that, and the extreme chemistry we had, I keep him in a very small and defined box, in “the attic of my heart’s estate”… I know he isn’t possible, so he gets to be a memory. But, being very recent in time, and given the fact that he touched me very deeply, compared to many others, I suppose it is only natural, that he gets to have that little box in the memories’ attic, for a while.
I believe it is only natural, when someone gets “under our skin”, like he did, to have some melancholic feelings, and some regret, about them, for a while… Would we be human, otherwise?
I am not saying that lets it stop this tornado, that is me, right now…. ! I am SO curious about Mr. North. He is handsome (and doesn’t know it), has a job, seems serious, is interested in me… the list goes on… Ha!
I wil have to explore what is possible with Mr. North, of course I do. Alright, he lives almost 3 hours away by train, but it’s not like he lives in Siberia, or 10 hours away by plane. It is doable, and therefore I really o have to just… have a look-see. You know? And, the positive is, he has claimed he is willing to come here, to me, when it is time to meet.
My heart is fluttering, like a butterfly within a glass jar.
I am SO glad that my heart is open… or at least, it is a heart that is… ajar. After being completely closed, like a tomb. I do not care that different impulses and emotions seem to be running through me like a tornado… I trust myself enough to sort it out, in the end. And, after the narcissist, and being damaged by him so much, that I by any rights ought to be dead right now, I know, that I can handle anything. Even if someone hurts me like a torture master, I will be able to get away, and…. survive…
after all, that is what I named this blog, right?… “Survived….”
Please, keep me in your thoughts though, and root for me… Like I do with each and every one of you, who reads this.
Love/Survived. PS: A song here that shows both melancholy, AND movement forward. Alright, it is in my language, but the emotions in all that I have written here, are there. So, feel free to enjoy. It is about a man who is reminiscing about his love, whule trying to move forward…