Yet another little story from The Book of Shame. Oh, how I share my most humiliating stories here, “doesn’t she have any shame”, you may be thinking. That’s exactly what I do have, folks. More than you could ever imagine. But, this blog is the Catharsis of my Soul. So, all must be cleansed! Begone, evil spirit!
So, about a year ago, I made the decision to leave, which led to the Break-up from Hell. (You can read those stories if you want, they’re called The Worst Moment of my life, read here: Part 1 and here: Part 2).
-But did it stop there? No. You see, Hero figured he could still have use for me, once in a blue moon. Which led to me staying on, irregularly, but still, as a source of narcissistic supply. I got a spot in the Narcissistic Harem.
What is that?
-Imagine that the Narc is a sultan. He’s doing quite well financially, but occasionally gets huge, sudden financial difficulties. Then, in panic, he turns to his gold reserve, right?
That’s what we are, the members of the harem. A temporary relief, when all other supply sources have run temporarily dry. Now, this back up is not necessarily limited to old reliable, brainwashed sources, like ex-partners. It also contains new online flirts, casual dates, and random admirers/superficial acquaintances.
Now, being a member in this harem, is actually like getting a huge demotion at work. You still get to put up with the same BS as before, but your reward and influence have both decreased substantially. Basically, you’re now a slave without a right to demand anything, or to get upset that the Sultan Narc chooses another harem member for a couple weeks, and forgets all about you during that time.
But how does this work? Why can’t we just quit, we don’t have to give in to this modern slavery? Right?
Sadly, we probably will, though. This Sultan didn’t tell us anything about all these other hanger-ons, initially. He’s brainwashed us. And much like I imagine real harem girls from different, ancient cultures, we can not see another way of life. We think if we only do more to please the Sultan, show more affection, he will surely choose us exclusively again. Or if we show him our deepest despair at his actions, he will care.
It takes us a while to see, that this ruler sees no difference between us and his other properties. When he goes in to his actual vault of gold reserves, or when he goes into the chambers of his harem; he sees the same. His own wealth, beauty and brilliance, reflected back to him. He sees his assets. When it comes to his human assets, he requires variety, or he gets easily bored, (due to his psychopathic features).
Due to his power, it’s of course unimaginable to him that any of his human toys would want to run away from his harem. This would negate his power completely. Who is this fool, that wants to run away from the greatest man in the world? They must be charmed, persuaded, forced back, if that’s what it takes! So suddenly, you have the Sultan’s full attention again. And you’re back in the fold. Until he leaves your bed again, to go elsewhere. Despair creeps in and you start creating a new escape plan. This cycle could go on until you’re old and grey, and wonder where the decades went… –
-I spent one year in the harem, and I can tell you it was the worst year of my life. It was actually worse than having an “exclusive” relationship with Hero. At least then, I had a “position”, I was his girlfriend and had a right to be angry/make demands, after his betrayals. But in the harem, the unpredictability, despair, back-and-forth, the long silences, hit me tenfold as hard.
Whatever you do, don’t ever let yourself become a harem member. Now, it’s a completely different matter if you’re having an “open relationship”, as your own choice. (No judgement here!) But if you do have feelings for someone, and want to be exclusive, demand that, or walk away!
No person, who loves you, will: be vague about your status, suddenly disappear, play cat and mouse games with you. If they do, it could be a sign that they’re a narcissist! When dating: Also watch out for people who: * “Never seems to leave” the dating site where you met (Hero did this for a long time! Huge red flag!) * Seems to never have let go of old flings/exes, has kept in touch with them all, cause they “just wanna be friendly” (Bull’s running out into the arena at this frantically waving red flag! Yes, check on this one too, for our (anti-) Hero…)
I’m so glad I finally made my escape from the Harem. Sure, I’m now walking in an endless desert with a scorching sun above…
..But I will reach a harbour town soon enough and get out of this godforsaken land! The shame of staying for so long, will continue to haunt me. What I put up with, how I let myself be treated. But, I choose to focus on the fact that I am Finally Free.