*Warning: Emotional Darkness/ Extreme Venting Ahead. (Long, and long time coming!)*
—Do you remember when you first discovered the world wasn’t always this “happy-go-lucky place”? I don’t mean finding out Santa wasn’t real. That was just the tiniest glimpse of the pieces of true sorrow and darkness that you would later go through, in life. The first time I truly understood the injustice of life and frailty of happiness, was when my mother’s husband passed away, a few years ago, way too young to die, about 50 years old. He got sick and passed away only a few months later, leaving my mother shattered.
Shortly after that, my very best friend got sick too. I couldn’t take it in at first. She was a part of me. She passed away (age 33). Her last weeks she couldn’t see friends, cause of immense pain, doped up on morphine. She sent me a text 3 days before she passed; “I know you reached out, I do know you’re thinking of me. Hugs”. I’ve come to understand what a truly amazing gesture that was, since she was barely conscious. (I could never be as strong as her, and I know my suffering is 2% of hers).
After my friend died, there was this big gaping black hole, inside me. By this time, I was getting broken by the narc’s mind games. But I stuck by him. I couldn’t lose both him, and her.
(Feeling of injustice; Why did she have to die at 33? She was the most gentle, fun, kind person you could ever imagine!)
After years of struggle with Narc.. This fall, when I finally started to break free properly from him, a family friend died unexpectedly, at age 45. Shortly after that, my grandmother died, too…
My current situation; extremely stressful job (for the last 8 years). Colleagues “left and right” get “burnt out”, can’t work again for a few years. (I’m working on finding other jobs but it’s hard cause I can’t afford studying anything else again).
I’m 35, single, childless, as you may know/or not. (At times, I hear people in difficulties say; “Well, praise god that I at least have my kids; without them, I couldn’t go on”, and I think; OK what the hell, I’ll go on for my…cat, damn it!)
Before the narc, I had 2 different serious long-term relationships, and I loved those men dearly. But for different reasons/immaturity, they ultimately didn’t wanna start a family. Unluckily enough, all my friends who met partners at that same age, between 24 – 30, somehow instantly met men who matured after a while and became “ready”. (Mine never did, although all of them/us were immature, at first). Especially my Serious Guy no. 2, is one I might write a post about some time. The heartbreak there, nearly split me in two. It was a very Hesitant Heart, that I gave the narcissist, 1,5 years later. I remember thinking; “OK, I’ll muster my last strength and courage, to give love a chance; this Hero guy actually seems to love me”. Haha. Yeah… I know, the irony.
I’m not gonna get into my childhood here, you’ve read some about its dysfunctions before. I can just add, that I was severely bullied for 5 years, upon changing schools. The leader chick forbade friendship with “new cute girl”. (Sorry, I feel I’m trying to fit a novel into a blog post!)
I don’t know, ever since my friend died, and “narc-shit”; I sort of have this underlying, angry feeling that makes me wanna scream; “Just give me a breeeeak for once, for f*ck’s sake!” Just one. I don’t want money, fame, a hot shot career. But give me one decent and mature man, that I can start a family with. And maybe a couple of good friends too, that stay with me, until old age.
This is my rant, this is my blackest of black. And I want it such. I want to pour it out here, so it doesn’t stay inside me and fester. I don’t want anyone to paint it golden and white, and say; “you make your own choices/luck”, etc. I know I probably made some shitty choices at some points. (Who didn’t). But whatever luck I had in my life, I never got it from anywhere else but my own making. I’ve seen hundreds of people have “dumb luck”. I’ve never known that feeling (well, except for the luck of “being alive”, while others died).
I would just ask for; the “tiniest” push from The Force, in the future. Cause I do feel, it has forgotten me entirely, the last 15 years or so.
I know how schizophrenic this post is, especially since my positive plan for healing etc. I suspect that this whole clusterf*ck thing with the narc, was simply “the last straw“, you know? Like; You’ve been good all your life, you followed the rules, worked/paid your taxes, never bothered anyone, never intentionally harmed anyone physically/emotionally, in fact you went out of your way to be kind to people. And this is how you get repaid by the universe/karma/whatever force is out there?
–“Hello, Karma Customer Service?” –“Hello, there’s been a mix-up here, I put in all the good behavior currency in your account, and you sent me: ‘Shitty Life With Everlasting Unfortune/Punishments’, but I was promised; ‘Normal Life With Reasonable Luck/Happiness’? Oh, OK, you’ll send a replacement order, free of charge? Awesome!” (Delivery delayed 35 years, but hey, I don’t wanna be a douche about it).
The belief I was raised with; “Do no harm, care about people, be loving, and you’ll get what you deserve”, has been put into serious question, in adulthood. They should’ve prepared me better on that one, I guess. No one ever told me that having that mindset, while getting deeply involved with a narc, could almost kill you.
This is also part of the Roller Coaster of the aftermath of narcissistic abuse. You catch a glimpse of Hope (make goals; see the beauty of life) and a minute after, you fall back into the abyss, and curse the injustices of the world.
Fret not, friends, all is not lost. This is not my everyday. But today, I need to paint out all the black from inside of me, onto this canvas of mine.