“..I always felt there was something pulling me back to darkness, does that make sense? But I wasn’t allowed a real life or a real love – that was for normal people. With you I thought, ah maybe, just maybe, but I know now that was a false glimmer. I’m used to those, they happen all the time in the desert, but this one got to me…”
(Peter Quinn’s letter to Carrie in “Homeland”)
Who knew my “emotional doppelganger” would be Peter Quinn, a tormented, badass CIA-agent on TV?
Ok, on a more serious note;
What the hell is wrong with me?
I am enlightened. I know my ex is a narcissist. I know he probably wouldn’t care if I got hit by a bus. (Well it would be a loss of narcissistic supply but I don’t believe he would mourn me). I know he kept in touch with a lot of other women all through out our “relationship” (relationshiT). I know all the broken promises I endured; the consequences of them are staring me in the face, every single day.
I know so much now. Then how can I still miss him?
To an outsider this is the definition of insanity; or at the very least, it proves I’m a masochist, right? I must enjoy pain, even get off on it, to miss such a disturbed person?
I get so angry with myself, it’s like there’s some part of me that wants that darkness, that is addicted to the pain. I hate that part. I tell myself I only miss him cause I still have a fragment of hope that he could be “normal”. But that can’t be true, cause I know he can’t change.
I hoped for so long that he would be the light and love I’d searched for, for so long. It’s the opposite – it’s like the narcissist represents my inner dark parts, and something is pulling me back there.
Fret not, friends. I am not jumping off a cliff, or anything!
Tonight, I’m just having a really intense ride on the Roller Coaster that healing from a narcissistic relationship, really is. You’ll have your moments when it feels like you will almost die, if you can not see him/her. (You won’t die, you just have to take a deep breath, look back on what really was, get some sleep, and you’ll feel different in the morning).
How do I know this? I’ve been doing this Roller Coaster for a year now, and you know what? It’s actually given me some experience, I now know that these feelings of intense longing are not “real” real. It is simply the trauma bond and the loneliness, speaking. And I can beat those. I made it out, I saw the truth. I even started a god damn blog about this whole insane experience!
Narcissist; I will not yield, this easily. Just because you haven’t reached out in a while, do you think I don’t know you by now? Don’t you think I know all your little tricks and schemes? Don’t you think I know you’ll reach out again, for my upcoming birthday. Or Christmas. Or New Year’s. (Any excuse to get some supply, huh?)
Narc, you get one moment where no one gives you attention, and that’s when you reach out to me, “Old Faithful”. But guess what; I am neither old, nor faithful to you (anymore).
In fact, I have a fabulous New Year’s Eve planned! And if I happen to flirt with someone there, well, so be it. I’ve been known to flirt. (Some time in the previous decade, but still).
Our relationship with the narcissist was a Roller Coaster of up to Divine Love and down into Deepest Despair; Why would our recovery look any different?
-I miss you tonight. But I know that I am missing a person who never existed. Still, my pain is real. But I will not reach out to you. I know my pain is doubled, hell, make that quadrupled, anytime I’m in contact with you-.
I am missing a mirage, a ghost…
Does any of this make it less painful? Hell no. Tonight, the pain of missing the (fake) tender side of that “person”, is more than any human could bear. But I have to, nonetheless. The alternative is way, way worse. The alternative is: being used for temporary attention/narc supply, being fed false promises, and falling back to square one in my healing. (Remember: you were on a much worse Roller Coaster than this, when you were with narc).
Narcissist: you will never fool me again. In a dark and inexplicable way, I miss you, but I will not tell you that again. Ever. You were just a false glimmer. I am moving towards true light and hope.